Reflecting...

It has been a while since I have just sat and really reflected on things. I think about it everyday. How could I not? I go to sleep with the same thought every night, and wake up to the same reality every day. So it's there. It's just time for a bit more. 

In just 2 quick months, I'll hit my 3 year mark. 3 years since I was 24. 3 years since I was 33 weeks pregnant. 3 years since I became a widow. 3 years since the best man that I have ever known, left. For good. Although the years have gone quickly, days have been long. It sometimes feels like just yesterday that I saw him. And some days, I have to shake my mind from thinking he may just come home one day. 

I will hit my 3 year mark, which will essentially change my status with TriCare to "retiree" instead of my newly widowed status. 

I have had many ups, and many more downs. I have watched people I never thought would leave, leave. I have screamed, cried, cursed and been angry. I have been happy. I have been used, and taken advantage of. I have been stupid. And I have grown. I feel like I have infinite strength, yet am so weak and empty.  

I have watched my beautiful 8 lb 9 oz baby boy grow into this incredible toddler. (how is he almost 3?) I am so blessed to have him. I get overwhelmed at times, frustrated, and angry, but I could never do this life without Brayden. 

It still hurts to see fathers with their kids, families that are seemingly "whole".. It still hurts that I am doing this all alone. But this is my life now. And I have to make the best of it. I have to be happy. I have to give Brayden more. He is my life's work. 

I have tortured myself and my mind. I have damn near given up many times. But it won't happen. You will never see me give up. Brayden will never see me give up. 

I have talked to Brayden about his daddy being dead. He doesn't understand. He's only 2.5. "Why did my daddy died?" Is a question that he asked me a few days ago... I'm not ready to answer these kinds of questions. "I don't know." Was the best that I could give him on a whim. 

He will point to the ground at Ryan's grave and tell you his daddy is under there. He can tell you his daddy is in Heaven. And he has grown completely attached to his Dada doll. 

There are so many incredible people that have came into my life since August 6, 2013. Nearly 3 years later, I am in awe of how many of those people, that said they would always be there for me and for Brayden, are still there. People that are genuine are so very hard to come by. How I managed to get the best of them, I'm not sure. I'll never be able to meet them all in person, put into words how grateful for them I am, or thank them all enough. But my heart holds so much love for so many people. 

To all of you, I love you. I love you so much more than words could convey. I appreciate you. I am so incredibly grateful for you. Thank you. For pushing me, for reassuring me, for supporting me. 

Beautiful things are happening. I am happy, but I have my days. My moments. My nights. But they do not consume me any longer. I miss the shit out of Ryan. And I would give everything in life to have him back. But that isn't how life works. All I can do is continue on the best that I know how. 

There's so much more I could say.. But I jump around too much. So this is it. & this is life.... <3 

Legacies

As long as your name is spoken, your memories are shared & remembered, your legacy can never be forgotten. It does not die. 

Today I listened to a story on the news about a grieving son, who was fearful of a rumor about how his mother died, would tarnish her beautiful legacy. The murderer first tried to state that she died during consensual sex. She was actually suffocated, but that is not what matters in this specific instance. 

It triggered me. It has been 2 years & 5.5 months since Ryan left this Earth. Almost 2.5 years ago, I lost the man that I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. My son lost the chance to ever meet his father. Ryan's father, lost the will to live. Ryan's brother, lost his older brother. For 2.5 years, I have left out details of my husbands death, in fear it would change how people saw his death. In fear that his legacy would be...tarnished. 

Hearing that on TV today, was such a smack in the face and an eye opener for me. HOW someone dies should not change the way someone views that person, and should not make their death any less of a tragedy. But before I go further... If you are one of those that hear about someone dying and your first instinct is to be nosey, "what happened?" "how?" .... CHECK. YOURSELF. And don't do it again! Condolences are not conditional. Give your condolences and move on. Eventually, questions will be answered. Trust and believe that. 

Okay. Now for the details I would love to never speak of again. 

Ryan was electrocuted on live rail tracks at a train station in the overnight hours/early morning hours of 6 August 2013, in Maidstone, UK. They (him & the 2 he was with) had just left Bar Chocolate. They were stopping overnight on their way to Mildenhall AFB for a TDY. 

I will never have all of the information that I would like, and i will never believe all of the information that I have been given. 

I have learned to accept that. 

Ryan had a high blood alcohol level. 

He was drunk. He was under the influence when he died......The hurt in my heart typing this out, putting this out there......But I need to do it. He wasn't acting out, goofing off, doing drugs, being ignorant... He was having new drinks in another country with his co-workers. His decision to cross the rail tracks wasn't a good decision, but it is what it is. It cannot be changed now. The answer to the question, "why?" will never be answered. I have also accepted this. 

Do I believe that alcohol was the direct factor in his death? No. Absolutely not. 

But It obviously played a role. 

I am tired of feeling ashamed that he had been drinking and then died. The man loved to travel. He loved to explore. Try new things. He was curious. But always, ALWAYS level headed. 

I am tired of being fearful that other people will dismiss his death, because of the alcohol. When in reality, it wasn't who he was AND "other peoples'" opinions do not matter. 

Ryan was an amazing man. He was a truly wonderful husband, son, brother, cousin, friend... He was an amazing Airman. He loved life. He loved his career. He loved his family. He loved his unborn child (he didn't know it was a boy) and was so excited to be surprised. He would do anything for anyone. He wanted so much out of life, for himself, for me, for his child... He wanted to see everyone around him succeed. He didn't cuss. He didn't smoke. Never did drugs. Worked hard to be healthy. Helped anyone who needed it. Ryan made mistakes like every single one of us. He was perfect in all of his flaws. A good man, with a good heart. Mistakes do not define who you are. The good, the happy, the fun, quiet, silly memories, far outweigh the alcohol he drank that night. He left behind an incredible legacy, and I will continue to honor him & everything he was.

My decision to make this blog isn't with intentions of hurting anyone, or really isn't even for anyone other than myself. 

I am tired of feeling ashamed when I shouldn't feel that way at all. I'm tired of feeling like I'm lying about it to everyone, because then I feel again, ashamed. A vicious circle. The only way to finally end that for me, is to be honest. And still have every ounce of pride for my husband and his life. 

How Do You Handle Struggles?

In hard times, in grief, in suffering...we all have different ways of handling things. We all decompress, step backwards, straighten our minds out, in many different ways.

I know that. These are facts! So why is it so hard for me truly accept that not everyone handles things like I do? 

Rarely ever do I want to be alone in hard times. I'd rather be with someone close to me. Even if it is to be in silence. I yearn to have someone to talk to if I must be physically alone. Being completely alone hurts me so much worse. My mind runs rampant when I'm alone. Overthinking, over analyzing, it will kill you! It will eat away at you so quickly! 

Blocking the world out, blocking those I love out, it hurts worse. You have to allow happiness & sunlight to shine in, in between the cracks, to help you get through the days. You'll never be able to move out from under the black cloud if you allow it to rule 100% of your day, every single day. 

Take steps forward, eventually you'll look up and there will be clear skies & sunshine.  If you allow happiness in when it tries to get in, you have a much better chance at moving forward and efficiently handling your struggles. 

It is a vicious cycle. A vicious, miserable cycle. 

Talk about what brings you joy. 

Think about what brings you joy & take the necessary steps to get it, even if you fall along the way. Stand back up! 

Allow happiness & joy in your life. 

Allow those you love to be a part of your life, a part of your journey, if they want to be.

It's okay to smile, even in hard times.

Xo

My Mind Will Destroy Me

I am overly emotional.
I am "too" sensitive.
I feel too much and do not take care of myself and my mind/heart enough.
I give & give my all, in every way that I can/know how, and hurt myself when the same isn't reciprocated.
I am well understanding of the fact that the world does not revolve around me, and that not everyone shows things like I do, or even as much as I do. And truthfully, I'm okay with that. But, my heart/mind do not always agree.
My heart, my mind, my soul - All tired.
I am so tired. (I feel like this is becoming a repetitive thought for me.)

I make myself feel alone.
I make myself feel unimportant, unwanted, unneeded. NO ONE makes me feel that way. I do it.
My mind is my biggest enemy and it will destroy me.
I'm not taking care of myself, my heart, my thoughts or my feelings enough. I'm too worried about everyone and everything else. And in the midst of it all, I'm breaking. Every word, empty word, action or empty action is breaking me.

I am completely surrounded by people. People all over the world. People right under my nose. Hundreds of people. Amazing people who love me, support me, better me, and make me crazy. (Crazier than I am naturally.) Yet, I can still somehow feel the way that I do. And it truly isn't anyone's fault, but my own. I'm a mess!

I am not where I want to be. Whether it be in Maryland with my best family, in Germany 2.5 years ago with my dead husband, or in Arizona with my boyfriend - I am not where I want to be. I never wanted to be back here to begin with, and I have settled. Unfortunately, I will be here longer than I truly care to be. I have gotten comfortably numb to "settling" and I have to stop. I have to stop letting myself be put on the back burner, I have to stop giving chances, I have to stop doubting.

"Woe-is-me is not an attractive narrative."

This is not who I want to be. This is not who I truly am, even! 
I'm working on chilling the fuck out. (Couldn't go a whole blog without my fav word!) 
I am a work in progress.

Tomorrow, I will be better than I am today. 

Being an adult is seriously not going to work out for me. I think I quit. I'm just going to color & hang out under my blanket for the rest of my life. 

"When I am silent, I have thunder hidden inside of me."

2 Years Later....

I've parented on my own for 2 years now.
It has never been easy.
Easy in a sense that I haven't had to worry about how someone else wants to parent, I just do it my way. But not easy in any other way.
In 2 years, I have had maybe 15 hours without Brayden, TOTAL. Maybe.
Not to include my overnight hospital stay when I had my gallbladder removed.
I'm not complaining, I love my son. With every ounce of my being. I have enjoyed every second of watching him grow, talk, walk, watch his personality bloom, his hair get thicker...And if it had to be done the exact same way again, I would do it again.
I didn't choose it to be this way. I never imagined my life this way. I would have NEVER wanted it to be this way. And there are some days that I curse Ryan up one wall & down another.
But alas, here I am.
2 years later and I still have a head full of hair, and SOME what of a mind left. Not much.


NOW, I am going to complain.
I. Am. So. TIRED.
Maybe not physically, completely anyway, but my soul is so damn tired.
I try not to be the parent that yells, I hate being yelled at, hated it when I was a kid & don't want to yell as a parent...I try not to be the parent that spanks, because I hated that, and it isn't always effective...I fail. I fail every single day.

I am tired of DAILY headaches.
I'm tired of feeling like I am not enough.
I'm tired of being a failure.
I am tired of feeling like I want to give up.
I am tired of going to sleep at night, wondering if I am doing my best and doubting myself.

I get it.
He's 2.
He's going to do things he isn't supposed to.
He's going to whine, fuss, tantrum, and cry.
He's going to yell, jump and run through the house.
He's going to NOT LISTEN to anything I say.
I get it.
I really do.
But I feel like my parenting is completely ineffective. He's 2. How will I ever know for sure, at such a young age? I won't. Whatever.

If for one day, Brayden, you could just make me not go bat shit crazy, I think I would be set for another 2 years alone.
Otherwise, alone is for the birds, and there needs to be 2 of me. STAT.

So, this is life...
Xo

Exhausted. Purely.

I haven't made an update on "life in general" in a while. It's been crazy for a few months, and well, I am exhausted! Mentally. Emotionally. Physically. 

In March, I bought a house. (FINALLY!) & I have to officially turn the apartment keys in this Thursday. There's still a bunch of stuff in there. My house is a disaster. No time for that, gotta head to the apartment and pack! I can only blame myself. I had slacked! Once I got my necessities into the house, I settled. And just didn't want to go back to the apartment. I am so glad to be out of there! 

Also in March, I got another Great Dane. Dane #2. Merle. Cauley Cobb. Yep. Named after 2 of my favorite players! 😉 after a few weeks, he was a TERROR. So he was sent to board & train for 5 weeks. He's amazing now! And also came back double his size. Yikes! He is 75% Euro, and going to be a BIG BOY!!!!! 

In June, I added another addition to my Dane collection.  A Chocolate Harlequin. Keely Mae. Dane #3. She's crazy and feisty as hell, but man, I love her! All 3 of them are so entertaining together! K is seriously entertaining even by herself! She is 10 weeks old this week! 

And as you know, while I LOVEDDDD my 2014 Toyota RAV4 - it just won't transport all 6 of my babies! (don't forget I still have Chloe and Lucas!) so it had to be traded in for something with bigger hatch space! 

Bye bye my beautiful amazing Rav! 

And hello to my 2016 Honda Pilot Touring. 😍 So much more room for all my babes! 

I really, really miss my Rav. But it had to be done. And I'm accepting it. I love the pilot! Her name is Dana. Dana the Dane Mobile. Hahaha. Real life tho. 

I ended things with Luke recently. But from my past blog, you should have gathered that! 

Cleaning, unpacking, packing, chasing dogs, bathing dogs, feeding dogs, cleaning up after dogs, potty training dogs, chasing a toddler, changing diapers, feeding, play time, appointments, laundry - The never ending cycle of a single widowed mother. I don't ever get a break from Brayden, and that's okay because I love him with my whole heart & love him being with me. But I do wish, I could just have a small, miniature break! Hair appointments? He's there! Personal training? Ha. He's there! Bought a mini nail salon so I can do my own nails at home cause I can't take him there. Doctor appointments? I've got him. I never, ever, ever get a break. Why oh why did my husband have to die? Why? 

Anyway. It's 6 in the morning.. I can't sleep but I probably should try! 

& so this is life! 

Road Trips

How I can make road trips and not end up dead or in a wreck, is beyond me. When I'm with others, I'm fine. It's the driving alone part, that consumes me. 

I overthink. Meh, really, I just think. 

I listen to music, and reminisce. I think of all the memories that Ryan & I made while taking road trips. 

I cry.

A lot. 

I sing while crying. 

How I can drive, I'll never know. 

One step forward, 4 step back. 

That is the reality of my reality. 

But, as long as I continue to take that one step, that's what is important, right? 

Why am I a year and a half out and still cannot accept that my husband is never coming back? Why do I still try to tell myself that he's just gone for a while? 

I do tell myself that he is gone, forever. I will never see him again. And then I cry. And then I block it out as quickly as possible, and I remain in denial. 

When does this cycle end? 

I'm watching my son grow and learn all about the world....and while I am so incredibly proud to be his mother, and ecstatic for everything he is learning... It hurts me so bad that I have to do this alone. That I don't get to sit down at the end of the work day with Ryan and tell him all about the funny things Brayden did today. I don't get to tell him that while I was painting the bathroom, he came in and dunked his hand into the paint can. 

I don't get to tell him about Lucas's vet appointment today. 

I don't get to share in the everyday things with him that I'm supposed to. 

I am his. 

Brayden is his. 

Lucas is his. 

We are his. 

We are his family. 

This is our family. 

But it will never be. It can never be. 

Why can't I accept that? 

I'm tired of being tired. 

Smiling isn't my favorite.

I'm tired of pretending. 

I'm not strong. 

I don't want to be strong. 

I want the man that I married, that I built my life with, to be alive. To be well. To be HERE. 

It was during road trips that we talked about things like, what would happen if one of us died. How we would want things handled. Where we would want to be. Etc. 

We held hands, nearly the entire time. Even if we just went to the store. 

Now, I hold my gear stick. I'm so empty. 

We would sing together, or he would sing to me and I would tell him how awful he sounded. Do you know what I would give to hear his voice sing again? Instead, I sing alone. And when I do, I think of how awful I sound, and I think of Ryan, and I cry....sing cry. 

I Don't even know what life would be like with Ryan here anymore. And saying that, feeling that way, is like putting my heart in a blender. It hurts. It hurts so bad. 

I need to not take road trips for a while. 

...I've also been out of therapy and off my meds for far too long. 

Whatever.