Reliving...

I can replay the day he arrived at the funeral home and I got to see him. 
I can replay the day of his visitation.
I can replay the funeral. 
I can replay it all, like it's a script I've been memorizing for years. 
It's a tape that continuously plays in my head. They are scenes that live in the front of my mind.
This is my hell.
This is my nightmare.

I won't re-hash that on here. Yet. But, I will make some notes...
-He did not look like he was sleeping. He did not look peaceful. He looked lifeless. I just wanted to grab him out of there and hold him. And squeeze him. And never let go. Ever. I told him I'd never let him go, all the time in the last 7 years, and I did. I let him go. Do you know how painful of a feeling that is? To have to see the love of your life, at 25 years old, laying lifeless...And have to turn and walk away from them, forever?

-Running my fingers over his hair, and kissing him on the forehead. It felt so right. I never wanted to stop. It's all I could do, and I didn't want to have to stop. 

-I kept the ring that I put on his finger on our wedding day, the ring he's worn for the last few years... I wanted it. But, I did buy him another ring, so he could be buried with one. 

-He was coined by his commander. This, I WILL play out for you all, because it was perfect..But, not in this entry. 

-It was all so...so...very...miserable. 


I'm not sure what the exact point of this entry was...I forgot...Which is pretty typical now-a-days...


& so this is life...