Guilt

I'm learning, through therapy, a lot of my true inner feelings. Feelings that I've kept hidden. Pushed wayyyy down. Ignored. While at the same time, still trying to keep them hidden & ignored. Still trying to keep my game face on. 

I've already admitted that I truly struggle. I have already admitted that my day to day life isn't as happy as the fake smile I slap across my face all the time. 

So what else is left? 

Way. More. Than. Imaginable. 

I feel so guilty and so angry (most days) that I'm alive. And not just because I'm alive having to endure all of this, but because Ryan is the one gone & not me. 

I don't understand "why him" and I never will. 

But seriously, why? 

He had so much to offer the world. He DID so much! Me? I was a stay-at-home wife, I didn't finish college, I didn't work, I cuss, I have done bad things. 

Ryan was a saint. Ryan gave & gave. Ryan never gave up. Ryan signed his life away, for every single civilian in this country. Ryan was this incredible human being who had everything to offer the world. I get to continue my life, and he doesn't. I get to do things he dreamed of doing. Why? I just don't get it. I am so undeserving. He deserved and EARNED it all. Everything! 

So why not me? 

I know. I'm working on not thinking this way. And getting past the guilt/anger of it. I'll get there. I will. 

I need sleep. 

Xo <3