Lone Decision Making...

Every aspect of life has changed since Ryan's death. 

& really, I hate it all. 

But one I particularly hate...decision making. Ryan & I made nearly all decisions together. Always! For 7 years! He is all I have known in my adult life. It is so hard to now make not only simple decisions, but life changing decisions! I hate it SO much! I wish he could just write me a letter every once in a while and tell me what HE thinks. I hope you're reading this memo, Ryan! ;) letters please! 

A few questions that I hate, but have been asked a billion times since August - "What are you going to do?" 

"Where are you going to go?"

"What's next?" 

...I don't know.

...I don't know. 

...I don't know. Don't want to know. 

I'm going to stay in hiding & not know anything. I don't want to figure it out. I didnt know then, I don't know now, and I wonder if I will ever REALLY "know". 

Hello. 

Jessica. 

You. You. You. What are YOU going to do? Where are YOU going to go? What is next for YOU? 

I don't want this, I don't want that... 

Well, it isn't about ME, anymore. It is now about me and Brayden. I have to think for the both of us. Plan for the both of us. Do for the both of us. 

Babble. Babble. Babble. 

So, what am I doing? What am I saying? 

A decision I have had to think about, cry about, pray about for 8 months now... Am I going to stay in Kentucky around the family? Or am I going to follow Catgerine to their next base? (Which is unknown, btw.) 

I finally told myself that it is really time to start thinking about what to do. I wrote lists. Pros/Cons of staying, Pros/Cons of going and then a list of things that I want/need/hope for. Writing this, and asking some unbiased ladies for their input, I have decided to... 

Stay in Kentucky, & rent a house, on my own. Give myself 1 year, on my own, to see if this is working for me and Brayden. If this is where I'm happy, get support, and just to see if this is where I want to stay. Lots of traveling will happen. If I were to move in on my own in May, then in May of 2015, Catherine & the family should be settled at their next location, and I will only be missing 5 months of that, if I end up choosing to go that direction. I will rent so I am not stuck. I will not stay where I am not happy. But I have to figure out what works. I have to start somewhere, and this is my start. This is our start. 

Staying in Kentucky will allow Brayden to be around family & "closer" to Ryan's family. 

We are closer to Ryan here. Which is important because I do plan on being graveside often. 

I do have a great support system here. 

(But will it be enough? I'll find out.) 

I don't enjoy KY much, but it is what I know & am comfortable with. 

I have help with my THREE dogs anytime I need it - for traveling!!! 

Stability. I need some sort of stability in my life. 

No, I won't be with the Morgan's, but honestly, this first year - I wouldn't get to be with them much anyway - besides the traveling that will be done! & who knows, in 12 months, this may not my same decision. 

If I go to a base with them, like planned - I have to think about things like.... Military won't move me, I'll be paying for that out of pocket - doing it on my own. I don't have Ryan. I don't have the military. Me. 

Being there might hurt at this point more so than anything, because that is a life Ryan and I lived. I can't even watch homecomings now...I don't know how I would be living near a base. I just don't know. 

Yes, I have the Morgans, but who else would I have? Would I have the support that I need? There's so much that I have to think about in this aspect. They are my BESTS, and I love them with all that I am, but can they offer me the support and/or back-up with a dog (or 3), my son, my house, anything, at any time? They would. At the drop of a dime. I've witnessed this. But it isn't always feasible, and they would be all that I have. 

I would be farther from Ryan, so additional road trips, and longer ones. 

I want for me and my babies to be on our own. 

I want to go back to school, ASAP.

I do not want Brayden in daycare. 

I will need back up & support to make the things that I want to happen, happen. So where will I best be able to do this? 

I am tired of moving. In 7 years, Ryan and I lived in KY, NC, NE, TX and Germany. Yes, NE for 2 years, but we moved after 1 year from an apartment to a house. Still a move. Still so much work! I do want to travel, explore, be on the go - but that's the beauty of this decision... I still can! 

I don't want to hurt anyone. It has been so hard. No matter the decision I made, I knew I was going to be hurting someone. It hurts me! But this first decision, is a temporary, 12 month trial decision. If it doesn't work out, I'll be with the Morgans quicker than my stuff arrived from Germany. ;) 

I know this post RAMBLED FOREVER - but I hope it has helped answer the questions, and I hope that I haven't hurt anyone! I love you all so much, and all of the support that I get on a daily basis from all around the world! It's amazing! Now...let me come visit and travel & show my appreciation! Lol. ;) 

Goodnight. 

Ps: <3

What's on my mind today?

My mind is all over the place, all of the time. It races 10 miles a minute, and goes from one topic to the extreme next. I cannot make it stop. 

I (stupidly) just watched a video of the Delta Honor Guard giving a fallen soldier a ramp ceremony. Of course, I balled. 

I keep thinking, was there a video of my husbands when he arrived in Knoxville on delta? 

Was there video from Dover? 

I KNOW there is video footage from the ramp ceremony from Lakenheath, but I still don't have that. When will I? Who knows. Do I want it? Yes! Like, yesterday! 

Then I think... Did the people on the flight know they were escorting my husbands body? Was anyone aware of this? 

Then I think... I hope he was treated good. I hope they really took care of him. 

I don't even want to think about these things, it makes me physically sick to think about Ryan being dead. I'm still in denial. I still try to refuse to believe it. But I just can't keep my mind from racing! 

I still don't even have his cell phone or his wallet. Which were on him. And last I heard, the British transport police had it. Am I ever going to get those? Did they throw them away? I hope not. I want them. 

I hate that these are things that have to be a part of my reality. That these thoughts are not just "what if" thoughts, or off the wall thinking..this is my reality. Why? 

Comforting words...or not

People say things that they hope can give you some sort of comfort. Even if just an ounce. No one says anything with the intentions of hurting. This I know. There aren't always right words. Almost never. There are words that give comfort, but that differs from person to person. My best advice is to let the person know you're thinking about them, and that you're there for them. And to continue to do so AFTER funeral is over, when everyone else seems to have moved on. 

Some things that you might not want to say... 

1.) "You're young, you'll find someone else." - Thanks, but no thanks. I'm young, but I married my soulmate, built a life with him, and had our future planned. I'd really just prefer have him back! 

2.) "You're still here for a reason." - Ok. So, my 25 year old husband no longer had a reason to be here? Not to live out his life with his spouse, not to see his only child be born or help raise him? Not to continue to serve in our Nations Military? No reason? Ok. 

3.) "Only the good die young." - It's iffy! Sometimes it is comforting, and others I just want to scream, "what about the rest of us, asshole?" 

4.) "How are you?" - It is such a hard thing to answer. Every time I am asked, I want to say how big of a basket case that I am, how life seems so meaningless, how I'm NOT okay..but when asked, I feel like I am obligated to just say, "I'm okay." And be done. 

5.) "Was he in Iraq or Afghanistan?" - Well, neither. But does it matter? Just don't. 

6.) "God needed another Angel." Or "he was needed in Heaven." - Why mine? For what? What was he needed for that possibly couldn't wait? 

7.) "Everything happens for a reason." - Goes back to #2. What good reasoning can you give me for this? I mean, let's be real. 

8.) "It was all a part of Gods plan." - Thanks, but this is a terrible f'ing plan!!! 

9.) "At least you have a child by him." - You're right. It is a huge, huge blessing! Without him, I wouldn't have a reason or will to be here! However, it does not make losing my husband any easier and it definitely adds zero light to the situation. For me personally, I feel like it's harder! All that has happened, it's hard for me to grieve. Then, every time I look at my son, I see my husband. And I think about all of the things that he is missing out on, and all of the things my son is missing out on! 

Let me add..

Please do NOT compare your grief/loss to someone else's! Everyone is different. Every situation is different. Every relationship is different. It is incredibly inconsiderate and hurtful! Please don't! 

& lastly, if you say that you're always going to be there... DO. Don't just say this in the heat of the sadness. Truly be there! There's nothing like being lonely and realizing all of these people that said they would be there for you, are not. 

Goodnight. Xo

Molly Lou or...Dinosaur

I was told it was a bad decision. 

I was told that people didn't agree. 

I did it anyway. 

I decided to quit deciding and just do what makes me happy! 

I got a puppy. 

Okay, not just ANY puppy...

A Great Dane puppy! 

And yes, I still have both Chloe & Lucas! 

Yes. I'm a little crazy. 

Any sanity I had, went to Heaven when Ryan did! 

Molly Lou Austin. Nicknamed Dina, Dinamo, Dinosaur... She is a full breed Harlequin Great Dane. 

She is 10.5 weeks old. 

I have now had her for 2.5 weeks & am SO incredibly happy to have her! Even after just 1 week, she had proven to be therapeutic for me. You're worried about my mental state? What mental state?! I have no mind left! Really. Well, she keeps me occupied! Brayden is easy. He's an incredibly easy baby! Chloe & Lucas were Ryan's babies. They took to him. He was their hero. They sleep with me, they love me. But they much prefer Ryan. Molly Is attached to ME. 

She's great with Brayden but Chloe & Lucas hate her! Chloe hates ALL other dogs except Lucas & always has so this is nothing new to me. But, they're pretty evil to her. :/ 

She keeps me going when Brayden doesn't...and sometimes they keep me going at the same time. :/ But I'm glad I got her now. While I have help if needed. While Brayden is a baby and can grow with the puppy. While I'm transitioning into my new life, and the new me. 

Ryan & I always talked about getting a big dog but always said we would wait until he got out of the military. I saw Molly's picture. & she was mine the minute I saw her. She won me. 

I love her. 

I am very happy with my decision to get her & have gotten her when I did. 

I have zero regrets. 

Already Regretting...

Brayden will be 4 months old in 2 days. How? Some days it feels like yesterday he was 2 weeks old, and some days it feels like he should be 2 years old! 

4 months and I am already having regrets. 

I feel like I have not given him all that I could. I have not given him my undivided attention. 

I have gotten frustrated, angry, impatient, and cried. 

I have had so much grief and depression take over me, that I feel like it has taken away from Brayden. He doesn't deserve that. 

He shouldn't have to see me walk away because I'm frustrated. 

He shouldn't have to see me cry all the time. 

In short, I wish there was a do-over. I wish Ryan weren't gone. But I also wish that I weren't consumed with the amount of emotions that I am, so I would have given Brayden so much more in the last 4 months. 

Why does this have to be my life?

Jealousy...

I try sometimes to hide my feelings. 

Mainly because I don't want people to  be upset at how I feel, or question how I feel, etc. 

But I'm drowning in emotion lately, and I have to get it out. 

Jealousy. 

Mixed with a little bit of anger. 

I am so incredibly jealous of everyone having babies & all the pictures of daddy with baby. 

I am so incredibly angry that those beautiful, heart warming memories were robbed from my son and I. 

My son was robbed of ever getting to be held by his father. He was robbed of the chance to have a picture with his daddy. 

I was robbed of every having the chance to feel overwhelmingly in love with that sight. 

I am so angry that this is my life. That this is my sons life! Why! Why is this the cards I have been dealt!? What did Ryan do to deserve this? What have I done to deserve this? And most importantly, what the hell has my 3.5 month old son done to deserve this? 

Brayden has been robbed of SO MUCH in his life, before he was even born! Why!!! 

Having a child does not make this easier or better. Every time I look at Brayden, I am reminded of all that was taken from him. I am reminded that his father is not here to sulk in how amazing he is. I am reminded that one day, I will have to explain everything to him. I will have to explain to my son that his daddy is dead. 

WHY is this happening! WHEN will I wake up from this nightmare!? I am tired of feeling this way! I have been punished enough for whatever it is that made me deserve this nightmare. So wake me up, and show me it was all a test. 

I'm so jealous! I want to have those feelings of seeing Ryan with Brayden. I want Brayden to have his father around. I hate seeing everyone else's happiness! It makes me so sick to my stomach! 

I just don't care...

I just don't want to be here most days. 

Waking up is a struggle. 

Caring about anything except my son, is non existent. 

Every breath hurts. 

Every smile is forced. 

It's so hard to put my feet on the floor and get up. 

Knowing I will never hear your voice. Look you in the eye. Be amazed by your smile. Be held in your arms. Kissed on my forehead. Argue over the stupidest things. Eat your amazing cooking. Drink a glass of wine with you. 

Nothing. 

It's all over. 

It's all a memory now. 

Why do I have to go through this? Seriously. It isn't fair. 

No. 

It's real. 

You're real.

Our love is real. 

It will never end. 

Never. 

 You made me who I am. 

I can never let that go.

Death ended your life. 

Not our relationship. 

The Social Security paperwork says..."this marriage was ended by death on August 6, 2013." 

Wrong. 

My marriage did not end. 

I am still and always will be your wife. 

You were married to me all of your life. 

And I will be married to you all of mine. 

I love you more than my words could ever express. More than the Heavens could ever tell. Our love is eternal. 

I just want to be able to breath again. I want to not always feel like I'm going to throw up. Like there's a knot in my throat. I don't want my chin to quiver when I'm trying not to cry. I'm going to break. I can't bend anymore. I have met the end of my strength. I want to give up. 

Help me. Please. Help me hold my head above the water. 

I love you, Scooby. & I miss you quite terribly.