3 months..

It has been 3 months.
3 months since my life dropped into the pits of Hell.

It has me thinking about the first day. It has me thinking about the 19th and the 20th. The days of your services.

I remember walking into the funeral home after you arrived there, and getting to see you for the first time. I remember walking in through the doors, turning my head to left, saw you at the end of the aisle, and just lost it. Thank goodness my Mom and C were there. I felt regret at first. Regretting that I chose to see you. I had doubts. Doubts that I would be able to walk down the aisle and see you up close. I didn't think I'd be able to even look your way again. But, I needed to. I mustered up, and slowly, depressingly walked down the empty room. Just staring at you. I was being held by my mom and C. I had no idea what I was doing. I had no idea why I was doing this. I didn't understand then, and I don't understand now. It was your wishes for your casket to be closed. I honored those wishes. I think it made some family not so happy. But they were your wishes. I had to see you. There was no doubt about that. I thought it would make this more real. It didn't. I stood over you, and shook my head. All I could say was, "this doesn't even look like him. At all. This isn't him."

I have so many issues with how you looked, but I didn't speak up. Talk about regretting that now. I wish I could have them dig you up, and fix it. But, I can't.

Anyway.. All I could do was stand over you. Cry. Deny. I was so scared. I have never dealt with death. I have everyone in my family. I was in the room with you when your mom died in your arms. That is the only death I have ever went through. I go from having everyone, to the first person I lose being my spouse. Why is that fair? Why is that the life that I have to live?

Your left eye wasn't closed all the way. You couldn't see your eyeball, but you could see the lining of the eyelid. And it irritated me. I should have had them fix it...But I didn't.
They had your blues shirt & jacket all the way up to your chin almost. You couldn't see any part of your neck at all. I wish I had them fix it...
They had so much make up on you! You looked airbrushed. You looked like a doll. Your skin was never that smooth. You shaved every single day, and still yet, your skin was not that smooth. And you hadn't shaved in ALMOST 24 hours, your face would have definitely had stubbles! I should have told them to just leave the make up off of you. So I could see YOU. You didn't need to be spiffed up. You were perfect in your natural state. I regret this. It's part of the reason you didn't look like you at all. I have never seen your face not only so smooth, but so pale. I'll definitely be putting in my wishes that I want no make up.
Your lips just weren't normal. Ugh, I hate it.

Your head had staples in it from the autopsy in England. It caught me off guard, because I wasn't told about it, and I spotted it. It broke my heart to see you that way.

The only thing I could do was rub your hair. Kiss your forehead. I tasted the make up. I felt how hard you were. But your hair, your hair was still the same. It was still as short as it normally was. It hadn't grown since I last saw you. I could still see the freckle on your nose that you hated so much. I held your hand. It was swollen. It was hard. But you had those gloves on. I wish I would have asked them to take your gloves OFF. You'd never had them, worn them. They weren't yours. I wanted to touch your hand. I want to see your hands. Why did I not speak up? Why did I allow myself to walk away with regrets?

I think so much about these days...I think so much about the accident happening. So many what ifs? SO many questions. What was going through your mind when you were falling? Did you know you were about to be electrocuted? Did you know you were about to die? Were you scared? Did you have any pain at all? Lord I hope not. My mind never stops running. It's constantly stuck on you. I don't mind thinking about you all the time. It keeps my heart happy. To know that my love for you will forever go on. But, it hurts so bad to think of all the things that I will never know.

I love you so much, Ryan. Infinitely Eternally. I am yours. You are mine. That will never change. I hope you are proud of me as a new mother. I hope you are proud of the perfect son that you have! You will meet him someday. And I will see you, again. This is NOT where it ends. Remember...Til death do us part is for quitters! I miss you. Always.

I'll leave you with this photo. This is when you came home from work to tell me that you made Staff. <3 You were so excited, and for once, so very proud of yourself. I love you!!!