Damn. You.

Damn you who hurt me. 

I'm so tired of being quiet. Of silently screaming! I just want to get it out. 

I have had enough of giving to you. For once, can you be there for me when I need you? Can you be there for me on the rare occasion that I ask for help? 

You are not a victim. You made your bed. Get up and do something to fix what has been caused by no one but YOU. I'm tired of being walked on by you. I'm tired of constantly giving. My give-a-damn has absolutely run dry. Try being there for me for a change. Try giving instead of taking. Try owning up to your mistakes and quit playing woe is me. 

I'm so tired of alcohol being more important than me. Better yet, I'm BEYOND tired of alcohol being more important than my son. The things you have said and done to me, unforgivable. It won't happen to my son. I won't let him feel the way that I have felt. I will protect him from it with my life. I'm waiting for you to "grow up", for you to realize you're killing yourself so quickly, I'm waiting for you to for once in your life, put your damn family first! FIRST. Before ALL ELSE. When that happens, I would love for my son to see you and know you. Until that day, he & I are better off without you & without your "drug". If my son doesn't know you, that ball is in your court.  

I'm so tired of being put down by you! Who are you to tell me what is and isn't okay for me to be doing? You haven't lived my life. And you wouldn't survive a damn day in it! We lost the same person. We didn't lose the same relationship. We didn't lose the same life. You have no right to tell me what's too soon, that your loss is greater. You have no right to act like I am not hurting, like my feelings don't matter. I lost the love of my life, the man i spent 7 years with. The man my entire life was planned out with. The father of my child. It will never be okay. I will never be finished hurting. I will never be "over" it. Stop acting like I am. It isn't your business and it isn't your life. I am happy. My son is happy. My son is taken care of 10000000%. By me. And only me. All day. Every day. 100% of the time. I do this shit alone. I do everything alone. You have never been a support for me, and you damn sure haven't tried to be a support since Ryan died. You have no right to have any judgement or opinion on my life! 

If my son doesn't know who you are, that is not my problem. There is ONE person that I will make damn sure, with everything in my power, that my son knows. And that is the person that was ripped from him before he ever got the chance to meet him. His father. That's it. If you want my son to know you, be present in his life. Otherwise, quit complaining about it. 

I. 

Don't.

Care. 

Anymore. 

I live and breathe for my son, and he is first before all else. That's all that matters.