Rant, Rant, Rant...

I am not the same person that I was one year ago. 

I do not live the same way I did one year ago. 

I do not laugh the same way I did one year ago. 

I do not smile the same way I did one year ago. 

I do not think the same way I did one year ago.

My life is 100% different than it was one year ago. 

I am not a single mom. I am a widowed mom. 

What has happened to me, does not define me. 

Losing the love of my life, my husband, my soul mate, has affected me every single day. And will every single day for the rest of my life. I didn't just lose him on August 6, I relive it every morning when I wake up. 

I will never move on. I will never be over it. I will absolutely pick my life up, and move forward though. I am the only person that give my son every part of his father as if he were here and I will do that. 

Ryan was my everything. For 7 years. My entire adulthood. He and I grew from smartass 18 year olds to mature adults together. My entire life was planned out with him. Everything I have, I have because of him. I know the meaning of true, passionate love because of him. The things that we went through together in 7 years & the love we built together in 7 years, could equal what others go through in 20 years. I knew Ryan like the back of my hand and he knew me the same. I still can make decisions "with" Ryan now, because half the time I know exactly what his view would be. 

My love for Ryan will never, ever fade. Nor will it ever be hidden. 

I have faced so much in the last year without my other half. I flew home from Germany at 34 weeks pregnant without him. I died inside a little while standing over his perfect yet lifeless body at 35 weeks pregnant & 24 years old - trying to make myself wake up from the nightmare. Trying to make sense of it, trying to convince my mind it wasn't true. I gave birth without the father of my child. I have dealt with every single day for the last year, without him. I have taken care of OUR son every single day, alone. Even more so, I have taken care of 3 dogs and myself. 

On particularly rough days, I don't get to decide I don't want to get out of bed. I don't get to decide I'm going to sit and cry all day. Those thoughts are quickly smashed by a baby laying next to me, waking up saying "da da da da da" and 3 dogs in the other room crying to get out of their cages. 

I have fought HARD to get my mind into a good place. I have fought HARD to not be awake until 5am thinking about everything that Ryan went through in his autopsy, or what happened that night, or any other detail. 

My life before August 6 and my life after August 6, are not the same. 

With all that being said. I am so tired of reading and hearing how YOU feel about MY life, the people in my life and my decisions. I will start cutting every single one of you out of my life SO quickly if it continues. I don't deserve it. Brayden doesn't deserve it. I am as happy as I can be, and Brayden is happy. He is beyond well taken care of. This should be all that matters. 

You do not live my life. You have no right to pass any judgement. All of my decisions have been made on my time, when I'm ready, when I feel it's right. 

I understand that not everyone understands my decisions, but no one needs to. It is my journey. Let me live it, happily. Without having to hear the echoes of your negativity in the back of my head. Because I won't let it continue for much longer.