Rant, Rant, Rant...

I am not the same person that I was one year ago. 

I do not live the same way I did one year ago. 

I do not laugh the same way I did one year ago. 

I do not smile the same way I did one year ago. 

I do not think the same way I did one year ago.

My life is 100% different than it was one year ago. 

I am not a single mom. I am a widowed mom. 

What has happened to me, does not define me. 

Losing the love of my life, my husband, my soul mate, has affected me every single day. And will every single day for the rest of my life. I didn't just lose him on August 6, I relive it every morning when I wake up. 

I will never move on. I will never be over it. I will absolutely pick my life up, and move forward though. I am the only person that give my son every part of his father as if he were here and I will do that. 

Ryan was my everything. For 7 years. My entire adulthood. He and I grew from smartass 18 year olds to mature adults together. My entire life was planned out with him. Everything I have, I have because of him. I know the meaning of true, passionate love because of him. The things that we went through together in 7 years & the love we built together in 7 years, could equal what others go through in 20 years. I knew Ryan like the back of my hand and he knew me the same. I still can make decisions "with" Ryan now, because half the time I know exactly what his view would be. 

My love for Ryan will never, ever fade. Nor will it ever be hidden. 

I have faced so much in the last year without my other half. I flew home from Germany at 34 weeks pregnant without him. I died inside a little while standing over his perfect yet lifeless body at 35 weeks pregnant & 24 years old - trying to make myself wake up from the nightmare. Trying to make sense of it, trying to convince my mind it wasn't true. I gave birth without the father of my child. I have dealt with every single day for the last year, without him. I have taken care of OUR son every single day, alone. Even more so, I have taken care of 3 dogs and myself. 

On particularly rough days, I don't get to decide I don't want to get out of bed. I don't get to decide I'm going to sit and cry all day. Those thoughts are quickly smashed by a baby laying next to me, waking up saying "da da da da da" and 3 dogs in the other room crying to get out of their cages. 

I have fought HARD to get my mind into a good place. I have fought HARD to not be awake until 5am thinking about everything that Ryan went through in his autopsy, or what happened that night, or any other detail. 

My life before August 6 and my life after August 6, are not the same. 

With all that being said. I am so tired of reading and hearing how YOU feel about MY life, the people in my life and my decisions. I will start cutting every single one of you out of my life SO quickly if it continues. I don't deserve it. Brayden doesn't deserve it. I am as happy as I can be, and Brayden is happy. He is beyond well taken care of. This should be all that matters. 

You do not live my life. You have no right to pass any judgement. All of my decisions have been made on my time, when I'm ready, when I feel it's right. 

I understand that not everyone understands my decisions, but no one needs to. It is my journey. Let me live it, happily. Without having to hear the echoes of your negativity in the back of my head. Because I won't let it continue for much longer. 

Damn. You.

Damn you who hurt me. 

I'm so tired of being quiet. Of silently screaming! I just want to get it out. 

I have had enough of giving to you. For once, can you be there for me when I need you? Can you be there for me on the rare occasion that I ask for help? 

You are not a victim. You made your bed. Get up and do something to fix what has been caused by no one but YOU. I'm tired of being walked on by you. I'm tired of constantly giving. My give-a-damn has absolutely run dry. Try being there for me for a change. Try giving instead of taking. Try owning up to your mistakes and quit playing woe is me. 

I'm so tired of alcohol being more important than me. Better yet, I'm BEYOND tired of alcohol being more important than my son. The things you have said and done to me, unforgivable. It won't happen to my son. I won't let him feel the way that I have felt. I will protect him from it with my life. I'm waiting for you to "grow up", for you to realize you're killing yourself so quickly, I'm waiting for you to for once in your life, put your damn family first! FIRST. Before ALL ELSE. When that happens, I would love for my son to see you and know you. Until that day, he & I are better off without you & without your "drug". If my son doesn't know you, that ball is in your court.  

I'm so tired of being put down by you! Who are you to tell me what is and isn't okay for me to be doing? You haven't lived my life. And you wouldn't survive a damn day in it! We lost the same person. We didn't lose the same relationship. We didn't lose the same life. You have no right to tell me what's too soon, that your loss is greater. You have no right to act like I am not hurting, like my feelings don't matter. I lost the love of my life, the man i spent 7 years with. The man my entire life was planned out with. The father of my child. It will never be okay. I will never be finished hurting. I will never be "over" it. Stop acting like I am. It isn't your business and it isn't your life. I am happy. My son is happy. My son is taken care of 10000000%. By me. And only me. All day. Every day. 100% of the time. I do this shit alone. I do everything alone. You have never been a support for me, and you damn sure haven't tried to be a support since Ryan died. You have no right to have any judgement or opinion on my life! 

If my son doesn't know who you are, that is not my problem. There is ONE person that I will make damn sure, with everything in my power, that my son knows. And that is the person that was ripped from him before he ever got the chance to meet him. His father. That's it. If you want my son to know you, be present in his life. Otherwise, quit complaining about it. 

I. 

Don't.

Care. 

Anymore. 

I live and breathe for my son, and he is first before all else. That's all that matters. 

Lone Decision Making...

Every aspect of life has changed since Ryan's death. 

& really, I hate it all. 

But one I particularly hate...decision making. Ryan & I made nearly all decisions together. Always! For 7 years! He is all I have known in my adult life. It is so hard to now make not only simple decisions, but life changing decisions! I hate it SO much! I wish he could just write me a letter every once in a while and tell me what HE thinks. I hope you're reading this memo, Ryan! ;) letters please! 

A few questions that I hate, but have been asked a billion times since August - "What are you going to do?" 

"Where are you going to go?"

"What's next?" 

...I don't know.

...I don't know. 

...I don't know. Don't want to know. 

I'm going to stay in hiding & not know anything. I don't want to figure it out. I didnt know then, I don't know now, and I wonder if I will ever REALLY "know". 

Hello. 

Jessica. 

You. You. You. What are YOU going to do? Where are YOU going to go? What is next for YOU? 

I don't want this, I don't want that... 

Well, it isn't about ME, anymore. It is now about me and Brayden. I have to think for the both of us. Plan for the both of us. Do for the both of us. 

Babble. Babble. Babble. 

So, what am I doing? What am I saying? 

A decision I have had to think about, cry about, pray about for 8 months now... Am I going to stay in Kentucky around the family? Or am I going to follow Catgerine to their next base? (Which is unknown, btw.) 

I finally told myself that it is really time to start thinking about what to do. I wrote lists. Pros/Cons of staying, Pros/Cons of going and then a list of things that I want/need/hope for. Writing this, and asking some unbiased ladies for their input, I have decided to... 

Stay in Kentucky, & rent a house, on my own. Give myself 1 year, on my own, to see if this is working for me and Brayden. If this is where I'm happy, get support, and just to see if this is where I want to stay. Lots of traveling will happen. If I were to move in on my own in May, then in May of 2015, Catherine & the family should be settled at their next location, and I will only be missing 5 months of that, if I end up choosing to go that direction. I will rent so I am not stuck. I will not stay where I am not happy. But I have to figure out what works. I have to start somewhere, and this is my start. This is our start. 

Staying in Kentucky will allow Brayden to be around family & "closer" to Ryan's family. 

We are closer to Ryan here. Which is important because I do plan on being graveside often. 

I do have a great support system here. 

(But will it be enough? I'll find out.) 

I don't enjoy KY much, but it is what I know & am comfortable with. 

I have help with my THREE dogs anytime I need it - for traveling!!! 

Stability. I need some sort of stability in my life. 

No, I won't be with the Morgan's, but honestly, this first year - I wouldn't get to be with them much anyway - besides the traveling that will be done! & who knows, in 12 months, this may not my same decision. 

If I go to a base with them, like planned - I have to think about things like.... Military won't move me, I'll be paying for that out of pocket - doing it on my own. I don't have Ryan. I don't have the military. Me. 

Being there might hurt at this point more so than anything, because that is a life Ryan and I lived. I can't even watch homecomings now...I don't know how I would be living near a base. I just don't know. 

Yes, I have the Morgans, but who else would I have? Would I have the support that I need? There's so much that I have to think about in this aspect. They are my BESTS, and I love them with all that I am, but can they offer me the support and/or back-up with a dog (or 3), my son, my house, anything, at any time? They would. At the drop of a dime. I've witnessed this. But it isn't always feasible, and they would be all that I have. 

I would be farther from Ryan, so additional road trips, and longer ones. 

I want for me and my babies to be on our own. 

I want to go back to school, ASAP.

I do not want Brayden in daycare. 

I will need back up & support to make the things that I want to happen, happen. So where will I best be able to do this? 

I am tired of moving. In 7 years, Ryan and I lived in KY, NC, NE, TX and Germany. Yes, NE for 2 years, but we moved after 1 year from an apartment to a house. Still a move. Still so much work! I do want to travel, explore, be on the go - but that's the beauty of this decision... I still can! 

I don't want to hurt anyone. It has been so hard. No matter the decision I made, I knew I was going to be hurting someone. It hurts me! But this first decision, is a temporary, 12 month trial decision. If it doesn't work out, I'll be with the Morgans quicker than my stuff arrived from Germany. ;) 

I know this post RAMBLED FOREVER - but I hope it has helped answer the questions, and I hope that I haven't hurt anyone! I love you all so much, and all of the support that I get on a daily basis from all around the world! It's amazing! Now...let me come visit and travel & show my appreciation! Lol. ;) 

Goodnight. 

Ps: <3

What's on my mind today?

My mind is all over the place, all of the time. It races 10 miles a minute, and goes from one topic to the extreme next. I cannot make it stop. 

I (stupidly) just watched a video of the Delta Honor Guard giving a fallen soldier a ramp ceremony. Of course, I balled. 

I keep thinking, was there a video of my husbands when he arrived in Knoxville on delta? 

Was there video from Dover? 

I KNOW there is video footage from the ramp ceremony from Lakenheath, but I still don't have that. When will I? Who knows. Do I want it? Yes! Like, yesterday! 

Then I think... Did the people on the flight know they were escorting my husbands body? Was anyone aware of this? 

Then I think... I hope he was treated good. I hope they really took care of him. 

I don't even want to think about these things, it makes me physically sick to think about Ryan being dead. I'm still in denial. I still try to refuse to believe it. But I just can't keep my mind from racing! 

I still don't even have his cell phone or his wallet. Which were on him. And last I heard, the British transport police had it. Am I ever going to get those? Did they throw them away? I hope not. I want them. 

I hate that these are things that have to be a part of my reality. That these thoughts are not just "what if" thoughts, or off the wall thinking..this is my reality. Why? 

Comforting words...or not

People say things that they hope can give you some sort of comfort. Even if just an ounce. No one says anything with the intentions of hurting. This I know. There aren't always right words. Almost never. There are words that give comfort, but that differs from person to person. My best advice is to let the person know you're thinking about them, and that you're there for them. And to continue to do so AFTER funeral is over, when everyone else seems to have moved on. 

Some things that you might not want to say... 

1.) "You're young, you'll find someone else." - Thanks, but no thanks. I'm young, but I married my soulmate, built a life with him, and had our future planned. I'd really just prefer have him back! 

2.) "You're still here for a reason." - Ok. So, my 25 year old husband no longer had a reason to be here? Not to live out his life with his spouse, not to see his only child be born or help raise him? Not to continue to serve in our Nations Military? No reason? Ok. 

3.) "Only the good die young." - It's iffy! Sometimes it is comforting, and others I just want to scream, "what about the rest of us, asshole?" 

4.) "How are you?" - It is such a hard thing to answer. Every time I am asked, I want to say how big of a basket case that I am, how life seems so meaningless, how I'm NOT okay..but when asked, I feel like I am obligated to just say, "I'm okay." And be done. 

5.) "Was he in Iraq or Afghanistan?" - Well, neither. But does it matter? Just don't. 

6.) "God needed another Angel." Or "he was needed in Heaven." - Why mine? For what? What was he needed for that possibly couldn't wait? 

7.) "Everything happens for a reason." - Goes back to #2. What good reasoning can you give me for this? I mean, let's be real. 

8.) "It was all a part of Gods plan." - Thanks, but this is a terrible f'ing plan!!! 

9.) "At least you have a child by him." - You're right. It is a huge, huge blessing! Without him, I wouldn't have a reason or will to be here! However, it does not make losing my husband any easier and it definitely adds zero light to the situation. For me personally, I feel like it's harder! All that has happened, it's hard for me to grieve. Then, every time I look at my son, I see my husband. And I think about all of the things that he is missing out on, and all of the things my son is missing out on! 

Let me add..

Please do NOT compare your grief/loss to someone else's! Everyone is different. Every situation is different. Every relationship is different. It is incredibly inconsiderate and hurtful! Please don't! 

& lastly, if you say that you're always going to be there... DO. Don't just say this in the heat of the sadness. Truly be there! There's nothing like being lonely and realizing all of these people that said they would be there for you, are not. 

Goodnight. Xo

Molly Lou or...Dinosaur

I was told it was a bad decision. 

I was told that people didn't agree. 

I did it anyway. 

I decided to quit deciding and just do what makes me happy! 

I got a puppy. 

Okay, not just ANY puppy...

A Great Dane puppy! 

And yes, I still have both Chloe & Lucas! 

Yes. I'm a little crazy. 

Any sanity I had, went to Heaven when Ryan did! 

Molly Lou Austin. Nicknamed Dina, Dinamo, Dinosaur... She is a full breed Harlequin Great Dane. 

She is 10.5 weeks old. 

I have now had her for 2.5 weeks & am SO incredibly happy to have her! Even after just 1 week, she had proven to be therapeutic for me. You're worried about my mental state? What mental state?! I have no mind left! Really. Well, she keeps me occupied! Brayden is easy. He's an incredibly easy baby! Chloe & Lucas were Ryan's babies. They took to him. He was their hero. They sleep with me, they love me. But they much prefer Ryan. Molly Is attached to ME. 

She's great with Brayden but Chloe & Lucas hate her! Chloe hates ALL other dogs except Lucas & always has so this is nothing new to me. But, they're pretty evil to her. :/ 

She keeps me going when Brayden doesn't...and sometimes they keep me going at the same time. :/ But I'm glad I got her now. While I have help if needed. While Brayden is a baby and can grow with the puppy. While I'm transitioning into my new life, and the new me. 

Ryan & I always talked about getting a big dog but always said we would wait until he got out of the military. I saw Molly's picture. & she was mine the minute I saw her. She won me. 

I love her. 

I am very happy with my decision to get her & have gotten her when I did. 

I have zero regrets. 

Already Regretting...

Brayden will be 4 months old in 2 days. How? Some days it feels like yesterday he was 2 weeks old, and some days it feels like he should be 2 years old! 

4 months and I am already having regrets. 

I feel like I have not given him all that I could. I have not given him my undivided attention. 

I have gotten frustrated, angry, impatient, and cried. 

I have had so much grief and depression take over me, that I feel like it has taken away from Brayden. He doesn't deserve that. 

He shouldn't have to see me walk away because I'm frustrated. 

He shouldn't have to see me cry all the time. 

In short, I wish there was a do-over. I wish Ryan weren't gone. But I also wish that I weren't consumed with the amount of emotions that I am, so I would have given Brayden so much more in the last 4 months. 

Why does this have to be my life?