Brayden...

I haven't blogged about my boy, & I really feel like I need to. Afterall, he is my living savior & deserves so much recognition! ;) 

I have said it constantly and I'll repeat. He saved my life, and continues to save my life every single day. Now, he may be the cause of most of my insanity, but definitely keeps me waking up each and every day. Because of him, I don't go to bed each night wondering if tomorrow is the day that being without Ryan & the realization of his death will be the final straw for me. I go to bed knowing that no matter how I feel, I am my son's whole world, I am all he has, and I could never take that from him. I go to bed knowing that I will wake up another day, and raise Ryan's son. Our son. Our perfect, P-E-R-F-E-C-T creation. 

It is April 5. Which means Brayden is just over 18 months. Still the spitting image of his father. Still bright red hair. Big blue eyes. He seems to have a slight touch of my crazy ass personality. (& by slight, I may be underestimating a bit.)

He sings to songs, dances (his favorite is "Shake it off" by Taylor Swift. 

He is one of the most well-behaved and well-mannered babies (or toddlers WAAHHHHH) that I have seen. 

He loves being funny and getting attention. 

He is so sweet and cuddley! 

He LOVES to run! Gets that from his daddy. 

He loves to give hugs and kisses. 

Waves bye. 

He has a will to learn, just like his daddy as well. Ryan loved to learn anything and everything. His preferred & best way of learning was visual & hands on. My child follows that path. He likes to try everything, learn by watching then by doing. 1-2 trys and he's got it. 

He is incredibly smart. 

Things he can say that I can think of off the top of my head: 

Dada, Mama, Mommy, Doggy, Dog, Papaw, Banana, Eat, More, Light, Chicken, Duck, down, Done, Night-Night, Bye-Bye, I do, I did, I didn't, I love you, what are you doing?, Car, Truck, Amy, Zailey, Casey, Sky, Out, Uh-Oh, Ew, Uh-huh, Mmhmm, Mmmm, Huh, Luke, Go Big Blue, Go Cats, Stop, Tea, Milk, Drink, Turtle, Frog, Die, Dying (those 2 came from him crying for food & me asking if he was dying...haha!), Thank You, You're Welcome, Bless You, Bird, Tree, Yeah, Shit (ugh. Only happened once!)..Yes....one, Two, Three, A, B, C, D, E, G, H, I, O, T, Hi, Hiya, Egg.....

....I feel like there is more but I can't think of them right off. 

He has never told me no. Which is crazy to me, lol. Everyone said it would be one of the first things he would learn to say! Nope. He has more important ish to worry about. ;) 

He loves to be talked to. Read to. And played with. 

He has 12 teeth, currently. 

Bubble Guppies is his show of choice if we turn the TV one 

Loves ALL dogs. Hugs them. Kisses them. And even, yells at them from time to time when they're being bad. 

He loves to help me. He tries to help me put groceries away, help when I'm putting things together (with his toy screwdriver!), help do laundry, and help clean up... Although it isn't really that helpful lol 

He can show you his "fat belly".

His toes and feet. 

His hands. 

His nose & mouth.

He can point & show you what he wants. 

And he has WAY too good of a memory. He is sneaky as hell, and pays attention to every little thing. 

He still sleeps with me. Although he has a pretty bomb-ass ninja turtle room. 

He still takes a paci at night. 

Sleeps from 1130p-10a normally. Has a 2-2.5 hr nap at some point through the day. 

And he can drive me CRAZY when he is fussy...but he's incredible. 

I am more & more amazed by him, every single day. Watching him move, talk, breath, it is all so incredible. He has changed my life so much. He has saved my life. There are no better words. 

If you aren't in his life, you are truly missing out. Missing out on one amazing child. Missing out on mini Ryan. Missing out on all that is left of Ryan. You are just plain missing out. 

More ramblings.... Here it is.

Brayden is 18 months old. 

I buried my husband and the father of my child 19 months ago. 

I haven't blogged since January. 

It's time. 

A few blogs back, I blogged about grief suffocating me. 

I have once again, allowed myself to somehow put a blocker up & not think about things. This is truly a process that I have to stop. It will only come back to haunt me, and I am fully aware of that. 

I just want to grieve! 

I just want to cry. 

I just want to be in a semi-normal emotional state. 

I have WAY less stress now than I did in January, but my emotions and my depression/anxiety still isn't completely under control. I'm working on it. But, being a widow with a baby, and not many options of help, is hard. 

Everything in my life is a work in progress. 

I don't have all the answers. 

I don't have everything planned out. 

I don't know from one day to the next how I will be. 

I don't want to be this person. I don't want to be this angry, depressed, emotional, hermit 26 year old. I cannot let my child grow up seeing me this way. This is why I have become so fucking award winning at pretending to be okay. Brayden deserves more. Brayden deserves to see all of the good in life, even on the days when I believe there isn't any. That's not my job to decide for him. 

Since the last time I blogged, I have had 2 cortisone shots in my wrist, neither worked. Began physical therapy for my knee 2x a week (know how hard that is when you don't have help?)... Bought a house. Moved. Got a new puppy. (Another Great Dane!) Got a fish! and dealt with a whole lot of shit in between. 

I haven't heard from Brayden's grandparents in months. 

My mother almost caused me to lose the opportunity of buying a house for me and my son. 

I have watched several of my best friends suffer. 

I just want things to be easy, smooth, and the way they should be. Minus Ryan being here since that is something that I cannot have. I feel like that isn't asking much. I've been through 19 months of shit, with sprinkles in it. I hope that was a good enough explanation for you! 

My face is tired of pretending. 

My head is tired of pretending. 

My body is tired of pretending. 

I am tired. 

In 18 months of Brayden's life, I have probably been without him a combined total of 24 hours or LESS. 

I'm tired. 

I'm going crazy. 

I don't want to get out of bed...still. 

I don't want to go out...still. 

I don't want to participate. 

I'm tired. 

So, so, tired. 

I miss my husband. I miss the military life. I miss my friends. I miss Germany. I miss watching Ryan play Xbox in the evenings and talking to the baby through my belly button. I miss going on random adventures and exploring the world with Ryan. I miss normal. I miss the half that made me whole. It's hard to believe that we would have been together 9 years this year. Incredible. I am so grateful to have had such true love in my lifetime and I am blessed that he spent his life until death, with me. 

I don't want to be a sad soul anymore. 

But I just am. Always. 

... & so this is life. 

Late Night Ramblings

I've only made a couple "ramble" blogs.. Which amazes me because my mind is a constant ramble. 

Tonight, I'm thinking of so many different things, all across the board. 

Therapy. 

I believe it's helping. It's 45 minutes where I can do nothing but sit and cry & that's okay. I can say anything that I need and want to say, and that's okay! Even if not a word was spoken the entire session & all it consisted of was me crying, it would still help. 

I'm learning boundaries. I've been slowly pushing negativity farther & farther away from me, and it's an important step to take in working on getting myself better. I make myself sound crazy, sick, diseased, or something. Grief has made me crazy. True story. 

I will soon start pushing more negatives out of my life and letting people know.. I love you & I want you in my life, but, I cannot be apart of negativity while trying to work on myself. 

Last night, I wanted to give up. 

I wanted to be done with it all. 

I voiced that very clearly to Luke. 

It was one of those days, that knocks me around like a punching bag. 

I am so so SO very tired of doing this alone. 

This was never the way my life was supposed to be. 

I feel like I took the wrong turn at some point, and if i could find a place to do a U-turn, maybe it would fix it all. Heh. I know. I know. 

For 16 months, I have done this alone. 

Alone. 

By myself. 

I make sure that 5 living beings are taken care of every single day. 

Kuddos to others that do it with grace, and others that take care of more. 

This is enough for me. 

And how it hasn't managed to kill me yet, well, I'll never know. 

Wedding planning "officially" kicked off last night when we had our first official meeting (via skype) with our amazing wedding planner! I'm so blessed to have had come across so many wonderful people in this journey! Also, 1 bridesmaid dress was ordered today as a "tester dress".... We'll see how I like them! I hope it is perfect! 

Last ramble... I need a house. Now. 

Too. Much. Stuff. 

Dogs. Need. A. Yard. 

3rd. Floor. Apartments. SUCK! 

I'm working on this. 

The end. 

Guilt

I'm learning, through therapy, a lot of my true inner feelings. Feelings that I've kept hidden. Pushed wayyyy down. Ignored. While at the same time, still trying to keep them hidden & ignored. Still trying to keep my game face on. 

I've already admitted that I truly struggle. I have already admitted that my day to day life isn't as happy as the fake smile I slap across my face all the time. 

So what else is left? 

Way. More. Than. Imaginable. 

I feel so guilty and so angry (most days) that I'm alive. And not just because I'm alive having to endure all of this, but because Ryan is the one gone & not me. 

I don't understand "why him" and I never will. 

But seriously, why? 

He had so much to offer the world. He DID so much! Me? I was a stay-at-home wife, I didn't finish college, I didn't work, I cuss, I have done bad things. 

Ryan was a saint. Ryan gave & gave. Ryan never gave up. Ryan signed his life away, for every single civilian in this country. Ryan was this incredible human being who had everything to offer the world. I get to continue my life, and he doesn't. I get to do things he dreamed of doing. Why? I just don't get it. I am so undeserving. He deserved and EARNED it all. Everything! 

So why not me? 

I know. I'm working on not thinking this way. And getting past the guilt/anger of it. I'll get there. I will. 

I need sleep. 

Xo <3 

Laters, 2014!

Tschüss. 

Adios. 

PEACE. OUT. 

It really hasn't been a bad year, all-in-all. 

My husband is still gone, nothing magical brought him back & that's unfortunate. Living & breathing is still hard sometimes, but it was a pretty good year. 

Brayden is growing way too quickly. 

My heart had courage. I mean, I'm ending this year, engaged. What, what!? 

Brayden & I moved into our own place. 

I added a fur baby to my little family (but you already know that) 

Bought a new car. 

Burned quite a few bridges. 

Pushed toxic people out of my life. 

Finally began therapy. 

Became medicated. (Which it isn't working so that'll be addressed at my next appointment) 

Traveled, a LOT. (Like.. Bought my car with 43 miles on it in March, and ending the year with 15,200)

Made new friends. 

Grew as a person. I am not the same person I was at the beginning of this year. 

So it's been a pretty decent year and I'm sad to see it end because....I don't want to get any older, lol. 

Day to day is so routine. But there are so many days when missing Ryan gets the best of me. I'm not sure that that will ever change, but I am learning to accept it. Most of the time those days are angry days and I'm working on just letting myself hurt instead of being angry and mean to everyone around me... I'll get there. It's a 2015 goal. 

I have several goals for this year, and have made several lists. I try to make them realistic and reachable. 

1.) Get a better grip on my anxiety & depression. I've started the process and I just need to continue. 

2.) Don't be so easily angered. If there's one thing that life has undoubtedly flashed in front of my face, it is that I'm NOT in control of everything & once I learn this, things will anger me a lot less. 

3.) Find a house. Simple. As. That. Ha. Simple. 

4.) Lose at least 40 lbs! Y'all, I have a wedding in 2016... I own an elliptical and a treadmill, this should not be hard! 

5.) Wake up earlier! I sleep on Brayden's schedule. Or, he sleeps on mine. I never complain. But I think I want to learn to be a morning person, or give it my best shot! So, 8-9am alarm clock sets I will have! 

6.) Make better efforts at staying in touch with my friends & those that make efforts to stay in touch with me. My grief & anxiety has made me a hermit, and I'm endlessly sorry for that. I'm trying! 

I love you all & am so blessed to have had another year with my "Army"... Thank you so much for being a part of my life! I wish you all the best that 2015 has to offer! 

Xo

Co-sleeping...

Co-sleeping isn't for everyone & there's so many against it... But it is for me & I'm all for it. I don't think that I could live any other way. 

A few weeks ago a friend posted a video link on FB about co-sleeping & why it is bad... Which really hit me in the face and made me truly realize why I co-sleep, still, even though Brayden is 15 months old... 

I'm terrified. 

I am absolutely terrified of putting him into a different room than me & going to sleep. 

Ryan left for England one morning. 

I spoke to him that evening. 

I went to bed. 

Everything was fine. 

I woke up & was being notified that my husband was dead. 

If I never would have let him go. If I would have fought harder to get him off of that TDY. He would still be here. 

I am so incredibly scared of losing my son. 

I am so scared of putting Brayden to bed one night, in his own bed, in his own room, away from me, everything is fine.. & waking up to him gone, too. 

In my mind, keeping him with me and not letting him go, is protecting him. 

Nothing that normal working minds could understand or make sense out of... But that's the way it is. 

I can't lose my son, too. I keep him close to me because I'm terrified. 

One day, this too shall pass......... 

Alcohol

Is the devil. 

Let me tell you that if you think for one second that the bridge being burned between my Mother & I is my fault, then you should probably go ahead & make an exit out of my life as well. Now matter how much she denies it, or anyone else tries to not admit it, my mother is an alcoholic & needs help. When you drink 2-3 1.75L of Jim Beam whiskey a week, you're an alcoholic. 

When I moved back to my parents after Ryan's death & had Brayden, yes, she helped. If I wanted to go get my nails done, or my hair done, or run to the grocery store, she helped. Brayden loved her & would get excited to see her. Much like he does people, now! 

I admit that I did something that I shouldn't have by logging into her Facebook (she had previously given me her password) & reading her messages, but I won't apologize for doing so because I am not sorry that I did. What I AM sorry for, is that I didn't do it sooner. 

Upon reading these messages, my mom said some pretty horrible things about me. But nothing that she really hasn't said about me my entire life...even when i was a child & teenager. I'm a royal bitch, I'm causing problems between her and my father, that I'm lazy, never do anything, she's my maid... She said things like, she loves me but doesn't want me living there... Now, these aren't THAT horrible & it's basically words that I am used to... However, she said these things 6 DAYS after I buried my husband. A time when I needed her more than ever. When instead of bashing & belittling me, she should have been trying to be my mother & being the person I needed and could rely on & trust. 

After I had Brayden, she began to then tell people that I threw Brayden on the bed because he was crying in the middle of the night. Which first, isn't true, but secondly, why would I throw him on the bed? He sleeps with me. Always have. Sooo, he's already in the bed. Before he could roll, if he wouldn't stop crying and I couldn't figure it out, I would leave him on the bed (where he already was!) and walk outside on our front step to sit & cry. There is nothing wrong with what I did and nothing that I would do differently.

She told others that Brayden was fearful of me, that he never wanted me and he would scream & cry when I talked to him. 

Which is hilarious. It got to a point where one of the people she spoke to said "God only knows what she does when you are at work" ...are you kidding? You're right, God does know. He knows I never did anything except take care of my child. The ONLY thing that has kept me alive. Why would I ever, EVER, hurt the one person that keeps me waking up each day? Get. A. Grip. 

I have every screen shot of everything she said, because she doesn't seem to think she has done wrong. It is every bit of my fault because I read her messages. That's something she can't get past. my entire life I have listened to my mother tell me that I was a bitch and a fat ass, that she hated my father and called my father names. I watched her night after night log in to yahoo chat rooms and talk to men, talking shit about my father, me and my brother. Having to leave family Christmas gatherings early to go to the hotel so she could start drinking. Blowing out my birthday candles every year wishing for her to quit drinking. 

As a child/teenager, there was nothing i could do. When Ryan & I married, we told her then that if she wasn't sober she wouldn't be allowed around our child(ren)... After her saying the things she did about me 6 days after burying Ryan and the DAY I gave birth to my child, I cannot forgive her and I can finally say that I did what I wanted to do my entire life. It's the alcohol or your family. I'm tired of being 2nd to Jim Beam. I won't ever EVER let my son think alcohol is more important than he. So instead, I have cut ties completely until she can live a 100% sober life. Mother cannot seem to accept that and instead blames it all on me. Blames me for logging into her Facebook & for calling her Satan. Taking zero responsibility for the things she said. 

If I am the only person that ever holds her responsible for the childish things she has done in her life, I'm okay with that. 

Also, for those of you that keep telling her to sue me for grandparents rights....quit giving her false hope. It would never be beneficial for my child to have a substance abuser in his life, & they don't grant visitation in such case anyway. Instead, how about you stop enabling her & tell her how important it is to be sober, not only for her health but for her loved ones. 

While I love my mom and wish things were different so badly, I won't back down. I deserve better and so does my son. To be honest, everyone she has ever spoke badly about or treated badly because of Jim Beam, deserves better. She knows that all it will take is for her to be 100% sober and she can be in Brayden's life. That ball is not in my court.