Road Trips

How I can make road trips and not end up dead or in a wreck, is beyond me. When I'm with others, I'm fine. It's the driving alone part, that consumes me. 

I overthink. Meh, really, I just think. 

I listen to music, and reminisce. I think of all the memories that Ryan & I made while taking road trips. 

I cry.

A lot. 

I sing while crying. 

How I can drive, I'll never know. 

One step forward, 4 step back. 

That is the reality of my reality. 

But, as long as I continue to take that one step, that's what is important, right? 

Why am I a year and a half out and still cannot accept that my husband is never coming back? Why do I still try to tell myself that he's just gone for a while? 

I do tell myself that he is gone, forever. I will never see him again. And then I cry. And then I block it out as quickly as possible, and I remain in denial. 

When does this cycle end? 

I'm watching my son grow and learn all about the world....and while I am so incredibly proud to be his mother, and ecstatic for everything he is learning... It hurts me so bad that I have to do this alone. That I don't get to sit down at the end of the work day with Ryan and tell him all about the funny things Brayden did today. I don't get to tell him that while I was painting the bathroom, he came in and dunked his hand into the paint can. 

I don't get to tell him about Lucas's vet appointment today. 

I don't get to share in the everyday things with him that I'm supposed to. 

I am his. 

Brayden is his. 

Lucas is his. 

We are his. 

We are his family. 

This is our family. 

But it will never be. It can never be. 

Why can't I accept that? 

I'm tired of being tired. 

Smiling isn't my favorite.

I'm tired of pretending. 

I'm not strong. 

I don't want to be strong. 

I want the man that I married, that I built my life with, to be alive. To be well. To be HERE. 

It was during road trips that we talked about things like, what would happen if one of us died. How we would want things handled. Where we would want to be. Etc. 

We held hands, nearly the entire time. Even if we just went to the store. 

Now, I hold my gear stick. I'm so empty. 

We would sing together, or he would sing to me and I would tell him how awful he sounded. Do you know what I would give to hear his voice sing again? Instead, I sing alone. And when I do, I think of how awful I sound, and I think of Ryan, and I cry....sing cry. 

I Don't even know what life would be like with Ryan here anymore. And saying that, feeling that way, is like putting my heart in a blender. It hurts. It hurts so bad. 

I need to not take road trips for a while. 

...I've also been out of therapy and off my meds for far too long. 

Whatever. 

Brayden...

I haven't blogged about my boy, & I really feel like I need to. Afterall, he is my living savior & deserves so much recognition! ;) 

I have said it constantly and I'll repeat. He saved my life, and continues to save my life every single day. Now, he may be the cause of most of my insanity, but definitely keeps me waking up each and every day. Because of him, I don't go to bed each night wondering if tomorrow is the day that being without Ryan & the realization of his death will be the final straw for me. I go to bed knowing that no matter how I feel, I am my son's whole world, I am all he has, and I could never take that from him. I go to bed knowing that I will wake up another day, and raise Ryan's son. Our son. Our perfect, P-E-R-F-E-C-T creation. 

It is April 5. Which means Brayden is just over 18 months. Still the spitting image of his father. Still bright red hair. Big blue eyes. He seems to have a slight touch of my crazy ass personality. (& by slight, I may be underestimating a bit.)

He sings to songs, dances (his favorite is "Shake it off" by Taylor Swift. 

He is one of the most well-behaved and well-mannered babies (or toddlers WAAHHHHH) that I have seen. 

He loves being funny and getting attention. 

He is so sweet and cuddley! 

He LOVES to run! Gets that from his daddy. 

He loves to give hugs and kisses. 

Waves bye. 

He has a will to learn, just like his daddy as well. Ryan loved to learn anything and everything. His preferred & best way of learning was visual & hands on. My child follows that path. He likes to try everything, learn by watching then by doing. 1-2 trys and he's got it. 

He is incredibly smart. 

Things he can say that I can think of off the top of my head: 

Dada, Mama, Mommy, Doggy, Dog, Papaw, Banana, Eat, More, Light, Chicken, Duck, down, Done, Night-Night, Bye-Bye, I do, I did, I didn't, I love you, what are you doing?, Car, Truck, Amy, Zailey, Casey, Sky, Out, Uh-Oh, Ew, Uh-huh, Mmhmm, Mmmm, Huh, Luke, Go Big Blue, Go Cats, Stop, Tea, Milk, Drink, Turtle, Frog, Die, Dying (those 2 came from him crying for food & me asking if he was dying...haha!), Thank You, You're Welcome, Bless You, Bird, Tree, Yeah, Shit (ugh. Only happened once!)..Yes....one, Two, Three, A, B, C, D, E, G, H, I, O, T, Hi, Hiya, Egg.....

....I feel like there is more but I can't think of them right off. 

He has never told me no. Which is crazy to me, lol. Everyone said it would be one of the first things he would learn to say! Nope. He has more important ish to worry about. ;) 

He loves to be talked to. Read to. And played with. 

He has 12 teeth, currently. 

Bubble Guppies is his show of choice if we turn the TV one 

Loves ALL dogs. Hugs them. Kisses them. And even, yells at them from time to time when they're being bad. 

He loves to help me. He tries to help me put groceries away, help when I'm putting things together (with his toy screwdriver!), help do laundry, and help clean up... Although it isn't really that helpful lol 

He can show you his "fat belly".

His toes and feet. 

His hands. 

His nose & mouth.

He can point & show you what he wants. 

And he has WAY too good of a memory. He is sneaky as hell, and pays attention to every little thing. 

He still sleeps with me. Although he has a pretty bomb-ass ninja turtle room. 

He still takes a paci at night. 

Sleeps from 1130p-10a normally. Has a 2-2.5 hr nap at some point through the day. 

And he can drive me CRAZY when he is fussy...but he's incredible. 

I am more & more amazed by him, every single day. Watching him move, talk, breath, it is all so incredible. He has changed my life so much. He has saved my life. There are no better words. 

If you aren't in his life, you are truly missing out. Missing out on one amazing child. Missing out on mini Ryan. Missing out on all that is left of Ryan. You are just plain missing out. 

More ramblings.... Here it is.

Brayden is 18 months old. 

I buried my husband and the father of my child 19 months ago. 

I haven't blogged since January. 

It's time. 

A few blogs back, I blogged about grief suffocating me. 

I have once again, allowed myself to somehow put a blocker up & not think about things. This is truly a process that I have to stop. It will only come back to haunt me, and I am fully aware of that. 

I just want to grieve! 

I just want to cry. 

I just want to be in a semi-normal emotional state. 

I have WAY less stress now than I did in January, but my emotions and my depression/anxiety still isn't completely under control. I'm working on it. But, being a widow with a baby, and not many options of help, is hard. 

Everything in my life is a work in progress. 

I don't have all the answers. 

I don't have everything planned out. 

I don't know from one day to the next how I will be. 

I don't want to be this person. I don't want to be this angry, depressed, emotional, hermit 26 year old. I cannot let my child grow up seeing me this way. This is why I have become so fucking award winning at pretending to be okay. Brayden deserves more. Brayden deserves to see all of the good in life, even on the days when I believe there isn't any. That's not my job to decide for him. 

Since the last time I blogged, I have had 2 cortisone shots in my wrist, neither worked. Began physical therapy for my knee 2x a week (know how hard that is when you don't have help?)... Bought a house. Moved. Got a new puppy. (Another Great Dane!) Got a fish! and dealt with a whole lot of shit in between. 

I haven't heard from Brayden's grandparents in months. 

My mother almost caused me to lose the opportunity of buying a house for me and my son. 

I have watched several of my best friends suffer. 

I just want things to be easy, smooth, and the way they should be. Minus Ryan being here since that is something that I cannot have. I feel like that isn't asking much. I've been through 19 months of shit, with sprinkles in it. I hope that was a good enough explanation for you! 

My face is tired of pretending. 

My head is tired of pretending. 

My body is tired of pretending. 

I am tired. 

In 18 months of Brayden's life, I have probably been without him a combined total of 24 hours or LESS. 

I'm tired. 

I'm going crazy. 

I don't want to get out of bed...still. 

I don't want to go out...still. 

I don't want to participate. 

I'm tired. 

So, so, tired. 

I miss my husband. I miss the military life. I miss my friends. I miss Germany. I miss watching Ryan play Xbox in the evenings and talking to the baby through my belly button. I miss going on random adventures and exploring the world with Ryan. I miss normal. I miss the half that made me whole. It's hard to believe that we would have been together 9 years this year. Incredible. I am so grateful to have had such true love in my lifetime and I am blessed that he spent his life until death, with me. 

I don't want to be a sad soul anymore. 

But I just am. Always. 

... & so this is life. 

Late Night Ramblings

I've only made a couple "ramble" blogs.. Which amazes me because my mind is a constant ramble. 

Tonight, I'm thinking of so many different things, all across the board. 

Therapy. 

I believe it's helping. It's 45 minutes where I can do nothing but sit and cry & that's okay. I can say anything that I need and want to say, and that's okay! Even if not a word was spoken the entire session & all it consisted of was me crying, it would still help. 

I'm learning boundaries. I've been slowly pushing negativity farther & farther away from me, and it's an important step to take in working on getting myself better. I make myself sound crazy, sick, diseased, or something. Grief has made me crazy. True story. 

I will soon start pushing more negatives out of my life and letting people know.. I love you & I want you in my life, but, I cannot be apart of negativity while trying to work on myself. 

Last night, I wanted to give up. 

I wanted to be done with it all. 

I voiced that very clearly to Luke. 

It was one of those days, that knocks me around like a punching bag. 

I am so so SO very tired of doing this alone. 

This was never the way my life was supposed to be. 

I feel like I took the wrong turn at some point, and if i could find a place to do a U-turn, maybe it would fix it all. Heh. I know. I know. 

For 16 months, I have done this alone. 

Alone. 

By myself. 

I make sure that 5 living beings are taken care of every single day. 

Kuddos to others that do it with grace, and others that take care of more. 

This is enough for me. 

And how it hasn't managed to kill me yet, well, I'll never know. 

Wedding planning "officially" kicked off last night when we had our first official meeting (via skype) with our amazing wedding planner! I'm so blessed to have had come across so many wonderful people in this journey! Also, 1 bridesmaid dress was ordered today as a "tester dress".... We'll see how I like them! I hope it is perfect! 

Last ramble... I need a house. Now. 

Too. Much. Stuff. 

Dogs. Need. A. Yard. 

3rd. Floor. Apartments. SUCK! 

I'm working on this. 

The end. 

Guilt

I'm learning, through therapy, a lot of my true inner feelings. Feelings that I've kept hidden. Pushed wayyyy down. Ignored. While at the same time, still trying to keep them hidden & ignored. Still trying to keep my game face on. 

I've already admitted that I truly struggle. I have already admitted that my day to day life isn't as happy as the fake smile I slap across my face all the time. 

So what else is left? 

Way. More. Than. Imaginable. 

I feel so guilty and so angry (most days) that I'm alive. And not just because I'm alive having to endure all of this, but because Ryan is the one gone & not me. 

I don't understand "why him" and I never will. 

But seriously, why? 

He had so much to offer the world. He DID so much! Me? I was a stay-at-home wife, I didn't finish college, I didn't work, I cuss, I have done bad things. 

Ryan was a saint. Ryan gave & gave. Ryan never gave up. Ryan signed his life away, for every single civilian in this country. Ryan was this incredible human being who had everything to offer the world. I get to continue my life, and he doesn't. I get to do things he dreamed of doing. Why? I just don't get it. I am so undeserving. He deserved and EARNED it all. Everything! 

So why not me? 

I know. I'm working on not thinking this way. And getting past the guilt/anger of it. I'll get there. I will. 

I need sleep. 

Xo <3 

Laters, 2014!

Tschüss. 

Adios. 

PEACE. OUT. 

It really hasn't been a bad year, all-in-all. 

My husband is still gone, nothing magical brought him back & that's unfortunate. Living & breathing is still hard sometimes, but it was a pretty good year. 

Brayden is growing way too quickly. 

My heart had courage. I mean, I'm ending this year, engaged. What, what!? 

Brayden & I moved into our own place. 

I added a fur baby to my little family (but you already know that) 

Bought a new car. 

Burned quite a few bridges. 

Pushed toxic people out of my life. 

Finally began therapy. 

Became medicated. (Which it isn't working so that'll be addressed at my next appointment) 

Traveled, a LOT. (Like.. Bought my car with 43 miles on it in March, and ending the year with 15,200)

Made new friends. 

Grew as a person. I am not the same person I was at the beginning of this year. 

So it's been a pretty decent year and I'm sad to see it end because....I don't want to get any older, lol. 

Day to day is so routine. But there are so many days when missing Ryan gets the best of me. I'm not sure that that will ever change, but I am learning to accept it. Most of the time those days are angry days and I'm working on just letting myself hurt instead of being angry and mean to everyone around me... I'll get there. It's a 2015 goal. 

I have several goals for this year, and have made several lists. I try to make them realistic and reachable. 

1.) Get a better grip on my anxiety & depression. I've started the process and I just need to continue. 

2.) Don't be so easily angered. If there's one thing that life has undoubtedly flashed in front of my face, it is that I'm NOT in control of everything & once I learn this, things will anger me a lot less. 

3.) Find a house. Simple. As. That. Ha. Simple. 

4.) Lose at least 40 lbs! Y'all, I have a wedding in 2016... I own an elliptical and a treadmill, this should not be hard! 

5.) Wake up earlier! I sleep on Brayden's schedule. Or, he sleeps on mine. I never complain. But I think I want to learn to be a morning person, or give it my best shot! So, 8-9am alarm clock sets I will have! 

6.) Make better efforts at staying in touch with my friends & those that make efforts to stay in touch with me. My grief & anxiety has made me a hermit, and I'm endlessly sorry for that. I'm trying! 

I love you all & am so blessed to have had another year with my "Army"... Thank you so much for being a part of my life! I wish you all the best that 2015 has to offer! 

Xo

Co-sleeping...

Co-sleeping isn't for everyone & there's so many against it... But it is for me & I'm all for it. I don't think that I could live any other way. 

A few weeks ago a friend posted a video link on FB about co-sleeping & why it is bad... Which really hit me in the face and made me truly realize why I co-sleep, still, even though Brayden is 15 months old... 

I'm terrified. 

I am absolutely terrified of putting him into a different room than me & going to sleep. 

Ryan left for England one morning. 

I spoke to him that evening. 

I went to bed. 

Everything was fine. 

I woke up & was being notified that my husband was dead. 

If I never would have let him go. If I would have fought harder to get him off of that TDY. He would still be here. 

I am so incredibly scared of losing my son. 

I am so scared of putting Brayden to bed one night, in his own bed, in his own room, away from me, everything is fine.. & waking up to him gone, too. 

In my mind, keeping him with me and not letting him go, is protecting him. 

Nothing that normal working minds could understand or make sense out of... But that's the way it is. 

I can't lose my son, too. I keep him close to me because I'm terrified. 

One day, this too shall pass.........