Laters, 2014!

Tschüss. 

Adios. 

PEACE. OUT. 

It really hasn't been a bad year, all-in-all. 

My husband is still gone, nothing magical brought him back & that's unfortunate. Living & breathing is still hard sometimes, but it was a pretty good year. 

Brayden is growing way too quickly. 

My heart had courage. I mean, I'm ending this year, engaged. What, what!? 

Brayden & I moved into our own place. 

I added a fur baby to my little family (but you already know that) 

Bought a new car. 

Burned quite a few bridges. 

Pushed toxic people out of my life. 

Finally began therapy. 

Became medicated. (Which it isn't working so that'll be addressed at my next appointment) 

Traveled, a LOT. (Like.. Bought my car with 43 miles on it in March, and ending the year with 15,200)

Made new friends. 

Grew as a person. I am not the same person I was at the beginning of this year. 

So it's been a pretty decent year and I'm sad to see it end because....I don't want to get any older, lol. 

Day to day is so routine. But there are so many days when missing Ryan gets the best of me. I'm not sure that that will ever change, but I am learning to accept it. Most of the time those days are angry days and I'm working on just letting myself hurt instead of being angry and mean to everyone around me... I'll get there. It's a 2015 goal. 

I have several goals for this year, and have made several lists. I try to make them realistic and reachable. 

1.) Get a better grip on my anxiety & depression. I've started the process and I just need to continue. 

2.) Don't be so easily angered. If there's one thing that life has undoubtedly flashed in front of my face, it is that I'm NOT in control of everything & once I learn this, things will anger me a lot less. 

3.) Find a house. Simple. As. That. Ha. Simple. 

4.) Lose at least 40 lbs! Y'all, I have a wedding in 2016... I own an elliptical and a treadmill, this should not be hard! 

5.) Wake up earlier! I sleep on Brayden's schedule. Or, he sleeps on mine. I never complain. But I think I want to learn to be a morning person, or give it my best shot! So, 8-9am alarm clock sets I will have! 

6.) Make better efforts at staying in touch with my friends & those that make efforts to stay in touch with me. My grief & anxiety has made me a hermit, and I'm endlessly sorry for that. I'm trying! 

I love you all & am so blessed to have had another year with my "Army"... Thank you so much for being a part of my life! I wish you all the best that 2015 has to offer! 

Xo

Co-sleeping...

Co-sleeping isn't for everyone & there's so many against it... But it is for me & I'm all for it. I don't think that I could live any other way. 

A few weeks ago a friend posted a video link on FB about co-sleeping & why it is bad... Which really hit me in the face and made me truly realize why I co-sleep, still, even though Brayden is 15 months old... 

I'm terrified. 

I am absolutely terrified of putting him into a different room than me & going to sleep. 

Ryan left for England one morning. 

I spoke to him that evening. 

I went to bed. 

Everything was fine. 

I woke up & was being notified that my husband was dead. 

If I never would have let him go. If I would have fought harder to get him off of that TDY. He would still be here. 

I am so incredibly scared of losing my son. 

I am so scared of putting Brayden to bed one night, in his own bed, in his own room, away from me, everything is fine.. & waking up to him gone, too. 

In my mind, keeping him with me and not letting him go, is protecting him. 

Nothing that normal working minds could understand or make sense out of... But that's the way it is. 

I can't lose my son, too. I keep him close to me because I'm terrified. 

One day, this too shall pass......... 

Alcohol

Is the devil. 

Let me tell you that if you think for one second that the bridge being burned between my Mother & I is my fault, then you should probably go ahead & make an exit out of my life as well. Now matter how much she denies it, or anyone else tries to not admit it, my mother is an alcoholic & needs help. When you drink 2-3 1.75L of Jim Beam whiskey a week, you're an alcoholic. 

When I moved back to my parents after Ryan's death & had Brayden, yes, she helped. If I wanted to go get my nails done, or my hair done, or run to the grocery store, she helped. Brayden loved her & would get excited to see her. Much like he does people, now! 

I admit that I did something that I shouldn't have by logging into her Facebook (she had previously given me her password) & reading her messages, but I won't apologize for doing so because I am not sorry that I did. What I AM sorry for, is that I didn't do it sooner. 

Upon reading these messages, my mom said some pretty horrible things about me. But nothing that she really hasn't said about me my entire life...even when i was a child & teenager. I'm a royal bitch, I'm causing problems between her and my father, that I'm lazy, never do anything, she's my maid... She said things like, she loves me but doesn't want me living there... Now, these aren't THAT horrible & it's basically words that I am used to... However, she said these things 6 DAYS after I buried my husband. A time when I needed her more than ever. When instead of bashing & belittling me, she should have been trying to be my mother & being the person I needed and could rely on & trust. 

After I had Brayden, she began to then tell people that I threw Brayden on the bed because he was crying in the middle of the night. Which first, isn't true, but secondly, why would I throw him on the bed? He sleeps with me. Always have. Sooo, he's already in the bed. Before he could roll, if he wouldn't stop crying and I couldn't figure it out, I would leave him on the bed (where he already was!) and walk outside on our front step to sit & cry. There is nothing wrong with what I did and nothing that I would do differently.

She told others that Brayden was fearful of me, that he never wanted me and he would scream & cry when I talked to him. 

Which is hilarious. It got to a point where one of the people she spoke to said "God only knows what she does when you are at work" ...are you kidding? You're right, God does know. He knows I never did anything except take care of my child. The ONLY thing that has kept me alive. Why would I ever, EVER, hurt the one person that keeps me waking up each day? Get. A. Grip. 

I have every screen shot of everything she said, because she doesn't seem to think she has done wrong. It is every bit of my fault because I read her messages. That's something she can't get past. my entire life I have listened to my mother tell me that I was a bitch and a fat ass, that she hated my father and called my father names. I watched her night after night log in to yahoo chat rooms and talk to men, talking shit about my father, me and my brother. Having to leave family Christmas gatherings early to go to the hotel so she could start drinking. Blowing out my birthday candles every year wishing for her to quit drinking. 

As a child/teenager, there was nothing i could do. When Ryan & I married, we told her then that if she wasn't sober she wouldn't be allowed around our child(ren)... After her saying the things she did about me 6 days after burying Ryan and the DAY I gave birth to my child, I cannot forgive her and I can finally say that I did what I wanted to do my entire life. It's the alcohol or your family. I'm tired of being 2nd to Jim Beam. I won't ever EVER let my son think alcohol is more important than he. So instead, I have cut ties completely until she can live a 100% sober life. Mother cannot seem to accept that and instead blames it all on me. Blames me for logging into her Facebook & for calling her Satan. Taking zero responsibility for the things she said. 

If I am the only person that ever holds her responsible for the childish things she has done in her life, I'm okay with that. 

Also, for those of you that keep telling her to sue me for grandparents rights....quit giving her false hope. It would never be beneficial for my child to have a substance abuser in his life, & they don't grant visitation in such case anyway. Instead, how about you stop enabling her & tell her how important it is to be sober, not only for her health but for her loved ones. 

While I love my mom and wish things were different so badly, I won't back down. I deserve better and so does my son. To be honest, everyone she has ever spoke badly about or treated badly because of Jim Beam, deserves better. She knows that all it will take is for her to be 100% sober and she can be in Brayden's life. That ball is not in my court. 

Questions

Stop. 

Stop asking questions. 

When someone dies, stop asking how. 

Stop asking what happened.

Just stop it all. 

You can ask me anything! I'm generally an open book. I don't hide who I am, and i don't hide what I like, my feelings, facts about my life. I'll answer. But it isn't answering that is the problem. It's the question being asked in the given situation. 

Do you really believe that sending someone who just lost their husband (or lost ANYONE) a message saying "I'm so sorry, how did it happen?" Is appropriate? It is so incredibly inconsiderate, distasteful, rude, nosy, unsupportive, and the list could go on. 

We as adults have to do better! If you have children, TEACH them better! We need to learn to be more supportive to one another. 

When a family wants to share information, it will be shared. Why can't we accept that? 

I saw an article about an Airman being found dead the other day, his name & other information was withheld until the next of kin was notified. And then I continued and read the comments. "What happened" "how did he die" "how?" Etc.... Come on y'all....we have got to do better than this. 

Grief is suffocating

Behind my smile & my mostly successful attempts at remaining positive, how am I REALLY doing? 

I'm learning very quickly that the 1st year was full of numbness, denial, pretending, & just merely surviving. 

Year 2 is showing me that I'm not able to ignore it as easily, that I'm not able to pretend as easily, that numbness always wears off. I'm so exhausted. It is so exhausting. 

A lot has happened in the last 15 months. 

A lot has happened in the last 5 months. 

So much has happened since my last entry. So this entry may be long & quite ramble-y. Venture on at your own risk. 

Brayden & I finally live in our own. And while it is a huge factor in reminding me what I have lost, it also makes me so happy & at peace to be with just him & mine & Ryan's things. Just us. I will definitely only be in this apartment until our lease is up though, defffffffinitely need a house. A 3rd floor apartment for a widowed-single mom of a baby and 3 dogs, not at all the smartest idea. I wanted out of my parents house STAT though, so I won't complain too much. 

I have a pretty wonderful boyfriend, who is incredibly supportive & everything I could possibly ask for/expect in a Chapter 2. <3 (another blog at a later time...) 

Brayden has turned 1! (Now 13 months!) and he's just so perfect. I would not be alive without him here, I owe my life to him. He alone, makes waking up every day worth it.  (I'll blog more on him later, too...) 

But back to how I'm doing... I feel like I am suffocating. And it's getting harder to hide. 

I have severe anxiety, and can't even go to the grocery store and be around people. 

All I ever do is cry. 

I have to go to the grocery store at 10-11 pm when the stores are mostly empty. 

I can't go out and do things, because I can't bear to see happy people, couples, families. so Brayden and I stay inside except for on the spontaneous occasion that my head allows me to jump in the car and go do something before my brain changes its mind. Brayden & my dogs are happy & well taken care of, and we do get out and do things when my mind will allow, but we mostly stay closed up because I cannot bear the world. 

I hate being like this. I hate living like this. I hate feeling like this. I want to be able to go to the grocery store at any time of the day. I want to be able to go to my friends house without feeling like running into a closet, curling up, and crying. I want to not be so angry. I want to go to a park with Brayden without turning around as soon as we get to the parking lot. I want my life to feel normal again. I want to be able to call and schedule things without having to go through weeks of anxiety over it first. Over a PHONE CALL. 

I have to learn to do everything all over again. 

My entire adult life was with Ryan. 

Everything I knew, Ryan helped me learn. 

We were together for everything. For 7 years we were attached. (Except for deployment, etc)... He never wanted to do anything without me & I never wanted to do anything without him. He did the thing I couldn't do, and i did the things he couldn't (which was...hardly anything).. We grocery shopped together, learned to cook new foods together, traveled together, made every decision together...

I have to learn it all over again. I went from being a bratty ass teenager to being a bratty ass adult with him. The only thing I know for certain how to do on my own is to be a mother. And that's because I have done it on my own since the beginning. 

The best way I can explain it is... It's like I have a brain injury, and I'm having to relearn everything...except alone, with no help from anyone, and still having memory from before the brain injury. 

It's going to take a while. And the process is so suffocating. 

& so this is life......still. 

Xo ❤️🙏

Rant, Rant, Rant...

I am not the same person that I was one year ago. 

I do not live the same way I did one year ago. 

I do not laugh the same way I did one year ago. 

I do not smile the same way I did one year ago. 

I do not think the same way I did one year ago.

My life is 100% different than it was one year ago. 

I am not a single mom. I am a widowed mom. 

What has happened to me, does not define me. 

Losing the love of my life, my husband, my soul mate, has affected me every single day. And will every single day for the rest of my life. I didn't just lose him on August 6, I relive it every morning when I wake up. 

I will never move on. I will never be over it. I will absolutely pick my life up, and move forward though. I am the only person that give my son every part of his father as if he were here and I will do that. 

Ryan was my everything. For 7 years. My entire adulthood. He and I grew from smartass 18 year olds to mature adults together. My entire life was planned out with him. Everything I have, I have because of him. I know the meaning of true, passionate love because of him. The things that we went through together in 7 years & the love we built together in 7 years, could equal what others go through in 20 years. I knew Ryan like the back of my hand and he knew me the same. I still can make decisions "with" Ryan now, because half the time I know exactly what his view would be. 

My love for Ryan will never, ever fade. Nor will it ever be hidden. 

I have faced so much in the last year without my other half. I flew home from Germany at 34 weeks pregnant without him. I died inside a little while standing over his perfect yet lifeless body at 35 weeks pregnant & 24 years old - trying to make myself wake up from the nightmare. Trying to make sense of it, trying to convince my mind it wasn't true. I gave birth without the father of my child. I have dealt with every single day for the last year, without him. I have taken care of OUR son every single day, alone. Even more so, I have taken care of 3 dogs and myself. 

On particularly rough days, I don't get to decide I don't want to get out of bed. I don't get to decide I'm going to sit and cry all day. Those thoughts are quickly smashed by a baby laying next to me, waking up saying "da da da da da" and 3 dogs in the other room crying to get out of their cages. 

I have fought HARD to get my mind into a good place. I have fought HARD to not be awake until 5am thinking about everything that Ryan went through in his autopsy, or what happened that night, or any other detail. 

My life before August 6 and my life after August 6, are not the same. 

With all that being said. I am so tired of reading and hearing how YOU feel about MY life, the people in my life and my decisions. I will start cutting every single one of you out of my life SO quickly if it continues. I don't deserve it. Brayden doesn't deserve it. I am as happy as I can be, and Brayden is happy. He is beyond well taken care of. This should be all that matters. 

You do not live my life. You have no right to pass any judgement. All of my decisions have been made on my time, when I'm ready, when I feel it's right. 

I understand that not everyone understands my decisions, but no one needs to. It is my journey. Let me live it, happily. Without having to hear the echoes of your negativity in the back of my head. Because I won't let it continue for much longer. 

Damn. You.

Damn you who hurt me. 

I'm so tired of being quiet. Of silently screaming! I just want to get it out. 

I have had enough of giving to you. For once, can you be there for me when I need you? Can you be there for me on the rare occasion that I ask for help? 

You are not a victim. You made your bed. Get up and do something to fix what has been caused by no one but YOU. I'm tired of being walked on by you. I'm tired of constantly giving. My give-a-damn has absolutely run dry. Try being there for me for a change. Try giving instead of taking. Try owning up to your mistakes and quit playing woe is me. 

I'm so tired of alcohol being more important than me. Better yet, I'm BEYOND tired of alcohol being more important than my son. The things you have said and done to me, unforgivable. It won't happen to my son. I won't let him feel the way that I have felt. I will protect him from it with my life. I'm waiting for you to "grow up", for you to realize you're killing yourself so quickly, I'm waiting for you to for once in your life, put your damn family first! FIRST. Before ALL ELSE. When that happens, I would love for my son to see you and know you. Until that day, he & I are better off without you & without your "drug". If my son doesn't know you, that ball is in your court.  

I'm so tired of being put down by you! Who are you to tell me what is and isn't okay for me to be doing? You haven't lived my life. And you wouldn't survive a damn day in it! We lost the same person. We didn't lose the same relationship. We didn't lose the same life. You have no right to tell me what's too soon, that your loss is greater. You have no right to act like I am not hurting, like my feelings don't matter. I lost the love of my life, the man i spent 7 years with. The man my entire life was planned out with. The father of my child. It will never be okay. I will never be finished hurting. I will never be "over" it. Stop acting like I am. It isn't your business and it isn't your life. I am happy. My son is happy. My son is taken care of 10000000%. By me. And only me. All day. Every day. 100% of the time. I do this shit alone. I do everything alone. You have never been a support for me, and you damn sure haven't tried to be a support since Ryan died. You have no right to have any judgement or opinion on my life! 

If my son doesn't know who you are, that is not my problem. There is ONE person that I will make damn sure, with everything in my power, that my son knows. And that is the person that was ripped from him before he ever got the chance to meet him. His father. That's it. If you want my son to know you, be present in his life. Otherwise, quit complaining about it. 

I. 

Don't.

Care. 

Anymore. 

I live and breathe for my son, and he is first before all else. That's all that matters. 

Lone Decision Making...

Every aspect of life has changed since Ryan's death. 

& really, I hate it all. 

But one I particularly hate...decision making. Ryan & I made nearly all decisions together. Always! For 7 years! He is all I have known in my adult life. It is so hard to now make not only simple decisions, but life changing decisions! I hate it SO much! I wish he could just write me a letter every once in a while and tell me what HE thinks. I hope you're reading this memo, Ryan! ;) letters please! 

A few questions that I hate, but have been asked a billion times since August - "What are you going to do?" 

"Where are you going to go?"

"What's next?" 

...I don't know.

...I don't know. 

...I don't know. Don't want to know. 

I'm going to stay in hiding & not know anything. I don't want to figure it out. I didnt know then, I don't know now, and I wonder if I will ever REALLY "know". 

Hello. 

Jessica. 

You. You. You. What are YOU going to do? Where are YOU going to go? What is next for YOU? 

I don't want this, I don't want that... 

Well, it isn't about ME, anymore. It is now about me and Brayden. I have to think for the both of us. Plan for the both of us. Do for the both of us. 

Babble. Babble. Babble. 

So, what am I doing? What am I saying? 

A decision I have had to think about, cry about, pray about for 8 months now... Am I going to stay in Kentucky around the family? Or am I going to follow Catgerine to their next base? (Which is unknown, btw.) 

I finally told myself that it is really time to start thinking about what to do. I wrote lists. Pros/Cons of staying, Pros/Cons of going and then a list of things that I want/need/hope for. Writing this, and asking some unbiased ladies for their input, I have decided to... 

Stay in Kentucky, & rent a house, on my own. Give myself 1 year, on my own, to see if this is working for me and Brayden. If this is where I'm happy, get support, and just to see if this is where I want to stay. Lots of traveling will happen. If I were to move in on my own in May, then in May of 2015, Catherine & the family should be settled at their next location, and I will only be missing 5 months of that, if I end up choosing to go that direction. I will rent so I am not stuck. I will not stay where I am not happy. But I have to figure out what works. I have to start somewhere, and this is my start. This is our start. 

Staying in Kentucky will allow Brayden to be around family & "closer" to Ryan's family. 

We are closer to Ryan here. Which is important because I do plan on being graveside often. 

I do have a great support system here. 

(But will it be enough? I'll find out.) 

I don't enjoy KY much, but it is what I know & am comfortable with. 

I have help with my THREE dogs anytime I need it - for traveling!!! 

Stability. I need some sort of stability in my life. 

No, I won't be with the Morgan's, but honestly, this first year - I wouldn't get to be with them much anyway - besides the traveling that will be done! & who knows, in 12 months, this may not my same decision. 

If I go to a base with them, like planned - I have to think about things like.... Military won't move me, I'll be paying for that out of pocket - doing it on my own. I don't have Ryan. I don't have the military. Me. 

Being there might hurt at this point more so than anything, because that is a life Ryan and I lived. I can't even watch homecomings now...I don't know how I would be living near a base. I just don't know. 

Yes, I have the Morgans, but who else would I have? Would I have the support that I need? There's so much that I have to think about in this aspect. They are my BESTS, and I love them with all that I am, but can they offer me the support and/or back-up with a dog (or 3), my son, my house, anything, at any time? They would. At the drop of a dime. I've witnessed this. But it isn't always feasible, and they would be all that I have. 

I would be farther from Ryan, so additional road trips, and longer ones. 

I want for me and my babies to be on our own. 

I want to go back to school, ASAP.

I do not want Brayden in daycare. 

I will need back up & support to make the things that I want to happen, happen. So where will I best be able to do this? 

I am tired of moving. In 7 years, Ryan and I lived in KY, NC, NE, TX and Germany. Yes, NE for 2 years, but we moved after 1 year from an apartment to a house. Still a move. Still so much work! I do want to travel, explore, be on the go - but that's the beauty of this decision... I still can! 

I don't want to hurt anyone. It has been so hard. No matter the decision I made, I knew I was going to be hurting someone. It hurts me! But this first decision, is a temporary, 12 month trial decision. If it doesn't work out, I'll be with the Morgans quicker than my stuff arrived from Germany. ;) 

I know this post RAMBLED FOREVER - but I hope it has helped answer the questions, and I hope that I haven't hurt anyone! I love you all so much, and all of the support that I get on a daily basis from all around the world! It's amazing! Now...let me come visit and travel & show my appreciation! Lol. ;) 

Goodnight. 

Ps: <3

What's on my mind today?

My mind is all over the place, all of the time. It races 10 miles a minute, and goes from one topic to the extreme next. I cannot make it stop. 

I (stupidly) just watched a video of the Delta Honor Guard giving a fallen soldier a ramp ceremony. Of course, I balled. 

I keep thinking, was there a video of my husbands when he arrived in Knoxville on delta? 

Was there video from Dover? 

I KNOW there is video footage from the ramp ceremony from Lakenheath, but I still don't have that. When will I? Who knows. Do I want it? Yes! Like, yesterday! 

Then I think... Did the people on the flight know they were escorting my husbands body? Was anyone aware of this? 

Then I think... I hope he was treated good. I hope they really took care of him. 

I don't even want to think about these things, it makes me physically sick to think about Ryan being dead. I'm still in denial. I still try to refuse to believe it. But I just can't keep my mind from racing! 

I still don't even have his cell phone or his wallet. Which were on him. And last I heard, the British transport police had it. Am I ever going to get those? Did they throw them away? I hope not. I want them. 

I hate that these are things that have to be a part of my reality. That these thoughts are not just "what if" thoughts, or off the wall thinking..this is my reality. Why? 

Comforting words...or not

People say things that they hope can give you some sort of comfort. Even if just an ounce. No one says anything with the intentions of hurting. This I know. There aren't always right words. Almost never. There are words that give comfort, but that differs from person to person. My best advice is to let the person know you're thinking about them, and that you're there for them. And to continue to do so AFTER funeral is over, when everyone else seems to have moved on. 

Some things that you might not want to say... 

1.) "You're young, you'll find someone else." - Thanks, but no thanks. I'm young, but I married my soulmate, built a life with him, and had our future planned. I'd really just prefer have him back! 

2.) "You're still here for a reason." - Ok. So, my 25 year old husband no longer had a reason to be here? Not to live out his life with his spouse, not to see his only child be born or help raise him? Not to continue to serve in our Nations Military? No reason? Ok. 

3.) "Only the good die young." - It's iffy! Sometimes it is comforting, and others I just want to scream, "what about the rest of us, asshole?" 

4.) "How are you?" - It is such a hard thing to answer. Every time I am asked, I want to say how big of a basket case that I am, how life seems so meaningless, how I'm NOT okay..but when asked, I feel like I am obligated to just say, "I'm okay." And be done. 

5.) "Was he in Iraq or Afghanistan?" - Well, neither. But does it matter? Just don't. 

6.) "God needed another Angel." Or "he was needed in Heaven." - Why mine? For what? What was he needed for that possibly couldn't wait? 

7.) "Everything happens for a reason." - Goes back to #2. What good reasoning can you give me for this? I mean, let's be real. 

8.) "It was all a part of Gods plan." - Thanks, but this is a terrible f'ing plan!!! 

9.) "At least you have a child by him." - You're right. It is a huge, huge blessing! Without him, I wouldn't have a reason or will to be here! However, it does not make losing my husband any easier and it definitely adds zero light to the situation. For me personally, I feel like it's harder! All that has happened, it's hard for me to grieve. Then, every time I look at my son, I see my husband. And I think about all of the things that he is missing out on, and all of the things my son is missing out on! 

Let me add..

Please do NOT compare your grief/loss to someone else's! Everyone is different. Every situation is different. Every relationship is different. It is incredibly inconsiderate and hurtful! Please don't! 

& lastly, if you say that you're always going to be there... DO. Don't just say this in the heat of the sadness. Truly be there! There's nothing like being lonely and realizing all of these people that said they would be there for you, are not. 

Goodnight. Xo

Molly Lou or...Dinosaur

I was told it was a bad decision. 

I was told that people didn't agree. 

I did it anyway. 

I decided to quit deciding and just do what makes me happy! 

I got a puppy. 

Okay, not just ANY puppy...

A Great Dane puppy! 

And yes, I still have both Chloe & Lucas! 

Yes. I'm a little crazy. 

Any sanity I had, went to Heaven when Ryan did! 

Molly Lou Austin. Nicknamed Dina, Dinamo, Dinosaur... She is a full breed Harlequin Great Dane. 

She is 10.5 weeks old. 

I have now had her for 2.5 weeks & am SO incredibly happy to have her! Even after just 1 week, she had proven to be therapeutic for me. You're worried about my mental state? What mental state?! I have no mind left! Really. Well, she keeps me occupied! Brayden is easy. He's an incredibly easy baby! Chloe & Lucas were Ryan's babies. They took to him. He was their hero. They sleep with me, they love me. But they much prefer Ryan. Molly Is attached to ME. 

She's great with Brayden but Chloe & Lucas hate her! Chloe hates ALL other dogs except Lucas & always has so this is nothing new to me. But, they're pretty evil to her. :/ 

She keeps me going when Brayden doesn't...and sometimes they keep me going at the same time. :/ But I'm glad I got her now. While I have help if needed. While Brayden is a baby and can grow with the puppy. While I'm transitioning into my new life, and the new me. 

Ryan & I always talked about getting a big dog but always said we would wait until he got out of the military. I saw Molly's picture. & she was mine the minute I saw her. She won me. 

I love her. 

I am very happy with my decision to get her & have gotten her when I did. 

I have zero regrets. 

Already Regretting...

Brayden will be 4 months old in 2 days. How? Some days it feels like yesterday he was 2 weeks old, and some days it feels like he should be 2 years old! 

4 months and I am already having regrets. 

I feel like I have not given him all that I could. I have not given him my undivided attention. 

I have gotten frustrated, angry, impatient, and cried. 

I have had so much grief and depression take over me, that I feel like it has taken away from Brayden. He doesn't deserve that. 

He shouldn't have to see me walk away because I'm frustrated. 

He shouldn't have to see me cry all the time. 

In short, I wish there was a do-over. I wish Ryan weren't gone. But I also wish that I weren't consumed with the amount of emotions that I am, so I would have given Brayden so much more in the last 4 months. 

Why does this have to be my life?

Jealousy...

I try sometimes to hide my feelings. 

Mainly because I don't want people to  be upset at how I feel, or question how I feel, etc. 

But I'm drowning in emotion lately, and I have to get it out. 

Jealousy. 

Mixed with a little bit of anger. 

I am so incredibly jealous of everyone having babies & all the pictures of daddy with baby. 

I am so incredibly angry that those beautiful, heart warming memories were robbed from my son and I. 

My son was robbed of ever getting to be held by his father. He was robbed of the chance to have a picture with his daddy. 

I was robbed of every having the chance to feel overwhelmingly in love with that sight. 

I am so angry that this is my life. That this is my sons life! Why! Why is this the cards I have been dealt!? What did Ryan do to deserve this? What have I done to deserve this? And most importantly, what the hell has my 3.5 month old son done to deserve this? 

Brayden has been robbed of SO MUCH in his life, before he was even born! Why!!! 

Having a child does not make this easier or better. Every time I look at Brayden, I am reminded of all that was taken from him. I am reminded that his father is not here to sulk in how amazing he is. I am reminded that one day, I will have to explain everything to him. I will have to explain to my son that his daddy is dead. 

WHY is this happening! WHEN will I wake up from this nightmare!? I am tired of feeling this way! I have been punished enough for whatever it is that made me deserve this nightmare. So wake me up, and show me it was all a test. 

I'm so jealous! I want to have those feelings of seeing Ryan with Brayden. I want Brayden to have his father around. I hate seeing everyone else's happiness! It makes me so sick to my stomach!