Co-sleeping...

Co-sleeping isn't for everyone & there's so many against it... But it is for me & I'm all for it. I don't think that I could live any other way. 

A few weeks ago a friend posted a video link on FB about co-sleeping & why it is bad... Which really hit me in the face and made me truly realize why I co-sleep, still, even though Brayden is 15 months old... 

I'm terrified. 

I am absolutely terrified of putting him into a different room than me & going to sleep. 

Ryan left for England one morning. 

I spoke to him that evening. 

I went to bed. 

Everything was fine. 

I woke up & was being notified that my husband was dead. 

If I never would have let him go. If I would have fought harder to get him off of that TDY. He would still be here. 

I am so incredibly scared of losing my son. 

I am so scared of putting Brayden to bed one night, in his own bed, in his own room, away from me, everything is fine.. & waking up to him gone, too. 

In my mind, keeping him with me and not letting him go, is protecting him. 

Nothing that normal working minds could understand or make sense out of... But that's the way it is. 

I can't lose my son, too. I keep him close to me because I'm terrified. 

One day, this too shall pass......... 

Alcohol

Is the devil. 

Let me tell you that if you think for one second that the bridge being burned between my Mother & I is my fault, then you should probably go ahead & make an exit out of my life as well. Now matter how much she denies it, or anyone else tries to not admit it, my mother is an alcoholic & needs help. When you drink 2-3 1.75L of Jim Beam whiskey a week, you're an alcoholic. 

When I moved back to my parents after Ryan's death & had Brayden, yes, she helped. If I wanted to go get my nails done, or my hair done, or run to the grocery store, she helped. Brayden loved her & would get excited to see her. Much like he does people, now! 

I admit that I did something that I shouldn't have by logging into her Facebook (she had previously given me her password) & reading her messages, but I won't apologize for doing so because I am not sorry that I did. What I AM sorry for, is that I didn't do it sooner. 

Upon reading these messages, my mom said some pretty horrible things about me. But nothing that she really hasn't said about me my entire life...even when i was a child & teenager. I'm a royal bitch, I'm causing problems between her and my father, that I'm lazy, never do anything, she's my maid... She said things like, she loves me but doesn't want me living there... Now, these aren't THAT horrible & it's basically words that I am used to... However, she said these things 6 DAYS after I buried my husband. A time when I needed her more than ever. When instead of bashing & belittling me, she should have been trying to be my mother & being the person I needed and could rely on & trust. 

After I had Brayden, she began to then tell people that I threw Brayden on the bed because he was crying in the middle of the night. Which first, isn't true, but secondly, why would I throw him on the bed? He sleeps with me. Always have. Sooo, he's already in the bed. Before he could roll, if he wouldn't stop crying and I couldn't figure it out, I would leave him on the bed (where he already was!) and walk outside on our front step to sit & cry. There is nothing wrong with what I did and nothing that I would do differently.

She told others that Brayden was fearful of me, that he never wanted me and he would scream & cry when I talked to him. 

Which is hilarious. It got to a point where one of the people she spoke to said "God only knows what she does when you are at work" ...are you kidding? You're right, God does know. He knows I never did anything except take care of my child. The ONLY thing that has kept me alive. Why would I ever, EVER, hurt the one person that keeps me waking up each day? Get. A. Grip. 

I have every screen shot of everything she said, because she doesn't seem to think she has done wrong. It is every bit of my fault because I read her messages. That's something she can't get past. my entire life I have listened to my mother tell me that I was a bitch and a fat ass, that she hated my father and called my father names. I watched her night after night log in to yahoo chat rooms and talk to men, talking shit about my father, me and my brother. Having to leave family Christmas gatherings early to go to the hotel so she could start drinking. Blowing out my birthday candles every year wishing for her to quit drinking. 

As a child/teenager, there was nothing i could do. When Ryan & I married, we told her then that if she wasn't sober she wouldn't be allowed around our child(ren)... After her saying the things she did about me 6 days after burying Ryan and the DAY I gave birth to my child, I cannot forgive her and I can finally say that I did what I wanted to do my entire life. It's the alcohol or your family. I'm tired of being 2nd to Jim Beam. I won't ever EVER let my son think alcohol is more important than he. So instead, I have cut ties completely until she can live a 100% sober life. Mother cannot seem to accept that and instead blames it all on me. Blames me for logging into her Facebook & for calling her Satan. Taking zero responsibility for the things she said. 

If I am the only person that ever holds her responsible for the childish things she has done in her life, I'm okay with that. 

Also, for those of you that keep telling her to sue me for grandparents rights....quit giving her false hope. It would never be beneficial for my child to have a substance abuser in his life, & they don't grant visitation in such case anyway. Instead, how about you stop enabling her & tell her how important it is to be sober, not only for her health but for her loved ones. 

While I love my mom and wish things were different so badly, I won't back down. I deserve better and so does my son. To be honest, everyone she has ever spoke badly about or treated badly because of Jim Beam, deserves better. She knows that all it will take is for her to be 100% sober and she can be in Brayden's life. That ball is not in my court. 

Questions

Stop. 

Stop asking questions. 

When someone dies, stop asking how. 

Stop asking what happened.

Just stop it all. 

You can ask me anything! I'm generally an open book. I don't hide who I am, and i don't hide what I like, my feelings, facts about my life. I'll answer. But it isn't answering that is the problem. It's the question being asked in the given situation. 

Do you really believe that sending someone who just lost their husband (or lost ANYONE) a message saying "I'm so sorry, how did it happen?" Is appropriate? It is so incredibly inconsiderate, distasteful, rude, nosy, unsupportive, and the list could go on. 

We as adults have to do better! If you have children, TEACH them better! We need to learn to be more supportive to one another. 

When a family wants to share information, it will be shared. Why can't we accept that? 

I saw an article about an Airman being found dead the other day, his name & other information was withheld until the next of kin was notified. And then I continued and read the comments. "What happened" "how did he die" "how?" Etc.... Come on y'all....we have got to do better than this. 

Grief is suffocating

Behind my smile & my mostly successful attempts at remaining positive, how am I REALLY doing? 

I'm learning very quickly that the 1st year was full of numbness, denial, pretending, & just merely surviving. 

Year 2 is showing me that I'm not able to ignore it as easily, that I'm not able to pretend as easily, that numbness always wears off. I'm so exhausted. It is so exhausting. 

A lot has happened in the last 15 months. 

A lot has happened in the last 5 months. 

So much has happened since my last entry. So this entry may be long & quite ramble-y. Venture on at your own risk. 

Brayden & I finally live in our own. And while it is a huge factor in reminding me what I have lost, it also makes me so happy & at peace to be with just him & mine & Ryan's things. Just us. I will definitely only be in this apartment until our lease is up though, defffffffinitely need a house. A 3rd floor apartment for a widowed-single mom of a baby and 3 dogs, not at all the smartest idea. I wanted out of my parents house STAT though, so I won't complain too much. 

I have a pretty wonderful boyfriend, who is incredibly supportive & everything I could possibly ask for/expect in a Chapter 2. <3 (another blog at a later time...) 

Brayden has turned 1! (Now 13 months!) and he's just so perfect. I would not be alive without him here, I owe my life to him. He alone, makes waking up every day worth it.  (I'll blog more on him later, too...) 

But back to how I'm doing... I feel like I am suffocating. And it's getting harder to hide. 

I have severe anxiety, and can't even go to the grocery store and be around people. 

All I ever do is cry. 

I have to go to the grocery store at 10-11 pm when the stores are mostly empty. 

I can't go out and do things, because I can't bear to see happy people, couples, families. so Brayden and I stay inside except for on the spontaneous occasion that my head allows me to jump in the car and go do something before my brain changes its mind. Brayden & my dogs are happy & well taken care of, and we do get out and do things when my mind will allow, but we mostly stay closed up because I cannot bear the world. 

I hate being like this. I hate living like this. I hate feeling like this. I want to be able to go to the grocery store at any time of the day. I want to be able to go to my friends house without feeling like running into a closet, curling up, and crying. I want to not be so angry. I want to go to a park with Brayden without turning around as soon as we get to the parking lot. I want my life to feel normal again. I want to be able to call and schedule things without having to go through weeks of anxiety over it first. Over a PHONE CALL. 

I have to learn to do everything all over again. 

My entire adult life was with Ryan. 

Everything I knew, Ryan helped me learn. 

We were together for everything. For 7 years we were attached. (Except for deployment, etc)... He never wanted to do anything without me & I never wanted to do anything without him. He did the thing I couldn't do, and i did the things he couldn't (which was...hardly anything).. We grocery shopped together, learned to cook new foods together, traveled together, made every decision together...

I have to learn it all over again. I went from being a bratty ass teenager to being a bratty ass adult with him. The only thing I know for certain how to do on my own is to be a mother. And that's because I have done it on my own since the beginning. 

The best way I can explain it is... It's like I have a brain injury, and I'm having to relearn everything...except alone, with no help from anyone, and still having memory from before the brain injury. 

It's going to take a while. And the process is so suffocating. 

& so this is life......still. 

Xo ❤️🙏

Rant, Rant, Rant...

I am not the same person that I was one year ago. 

I do not live the same way I did one year ago. 

I do not laugh the same way I did one year ago. 

I do not smile the same way I did one year ago. 

I do not think the same way I did one year ago.

My life is 100% different than it was one year ago. 

I am not a single mom. I am a widowed mom. 

What has happened to me, does not define me. 

Losing the love of my life, my husband, my soul mate, has affected me every single day. And will every single day for the rest of my life. I didn't just lose him on August 6, I relive it every morning when I wake up. 

I will never move on. I will never be over it. I will absolutely pick my life up, and move forward though. I am the only person that give my son every part of his father as if he were here and I will do that. 

Ryan was my everything. For 7 years. My entire adulthood. He and I grew from smartass 18 year olds to mature adults together. My entire life was planned out with him. Everything I have, I have because of him. I know the meaning of true, passionate love because of him. The things that we went through together in 7 years & the love we built together in 7 years, could equal what others go through in 20 years. I knew Ryan like the back of my hand and he knew me the same. I still can make decisions "with" Ryan now, because half the time I know exactly what his view would be. 

My love for Ryan will never, ever fade. Nor will it ever be hidden. 

I have faced so much in the last year without my other half. I flew home from Germany at 34 weeks pregnant without him. I died inside a little while standing over his perfect yet lifeless body at 35 weeks pregnant & 24 years old - trying to make myself wake up from the nightmare. Trying to make sense of it, trying to convince my mind it wasn't true. I gave birth without the father of my child. I have dealt with every single day for the last year, without him. I have taken care of OUR son every single day, alone. Even more so, I have taken care of 3 dogs and myself. 

On particularly rough days, I don't get to decide I don't want to get out of bed. I don't get to decide I'm going to sit and cry all day. Those thoughts are quickly smashed by a baby laying next to me, waking up saying "da da da da da" and 3 dogs in the other room crying to get out of their cages. 

I have fought HARD to get my mind into a good place. I have fought HARD to not be awake until 5am thinking about everything that Ryan went through in his autopsy, or what happened that night, or any other detail. 

My life before August 6 and my life after August 6, are not the same. 

With all that being said. I am so tired of reading and hearing how YOU feel about MY life, the people in my life and my decisions. I will start cutting every single one of you out of my life SO quickly if it continues. I don't deserve it. Brayden doesn't deserve it. I am as happy as I can be, and Brayden is happy. He is beyond well taken care of. This should be all that matters. 

You do not live my life. You have no right to pass any judgement. All of my decisions have been made on my time, when I'm ready, when I feel it's right. 

I understand that not everyone understands my decisions, but no one needs to. It is my journey. Let me live it, happily. Without having to hear the echoes of your negativity in the back of my head. Because I won't let it continue for much longer. 

Damn. You.

Damn you who hurt me. 

I'm so tired of being quiet. Of silently screaming! I just want to get it out. 

I have had enough of giving to you. For once, can you be there for me when I need you? Can you be there for me on the rare occasion that I ask for help? 

You are not a victim. You made your bed. Get up and do something to fix what has been caused by no one but YOU. I'm tired of being walked on by you. I'm tired of constantly giving. My give-a-damn has absolutely run dry. Try being there for me for a change. Try giving instead of taking. Try owning up to your mistakes and quit playing woe is me. 

I'm so tired of alcohol being more important than me. Better yet, I'm BEYOND tired of alcohol being more important than my son. The things you have said and done to me, unforgivable. It won't happen to my son. I won't let him feel the way that I have felt. I will protect him from it with my life. I'm waiting for you to "grow up", for you to realize you're killing yourself so quickly, I'm waiting for you to for once in your life, put your damn family first! FIRST. Before ALL ELSE. When that happens, I would love for my son to see you and know you. Until that day, he & I are better off without you & without your "drug". If my son doesn't know you, that ball is in your court.  

I'm so tired of being put down by you! Who are you to tell me what is and isn't okay for me to be doing? You haven't lived my life. And you wouldn't survive a damn day in it! We lost the same person. We didn't lose the same relationship. We didn't lose the same life. You have no right to tell me what's too soon, that your loss is greater. You have no right to act like I am not hurting, like my feelings don't matter. I lost the love of my life, the man i spent 7 years with. The man my entire life was planned out with. The father of my child. It will never be okay. I will never be finished hurting. I will never be "over" it. Stop acting like I am. It isn't your business and it isn't your life. I am happy. My son is happy. My son is taken care of 10000000%. By me. And only me. All day. Every day. 100% of the time. I do this shit alone. I do everything alone. You have never been a support for me, and you damn sure haven't tried to be a support since Ryan died. You have no right to have any judgement or opinion on my life! 

If my son doesn't know who you are, that is not my problem. There is ONE person that I will make damn sure, with everything in my power, that my son knows. And that is the person that was ripped from him before he ever got the chance to meet him. His father. That's it. If you want my son to know you, be present in his life. Otherwise, quit complaining about it. 

I. 

Don't.

Care. 

Anymore. 

I live and breathe for my son, and he is first before all else. That's all that matters. 

Lone Decision Making...

Every aspect of life has changed since Ryan's death. 

& really, I hate it all. 

But one I particularly hate...decision making. Ryan & I made nearly all decisions together. Always! For 7 years! He is all I have known in my adult life. It is so hard to now make not only simple decisions, but life changing decisions! I hate it SO much! I wish he could just write me a letter every once in a while and tell me what HE thinks. I hope you're reading this memo, Ryan! ;) letters please! 

A few questions that I hate, but have been asked a billion times since August - "What are you going to do?" 

"Where are you going to go?"

"What's next?" 

...I don't know.

...I don't know. 

...I don't know. Don't want to know. 

I'm going to stay in hiding & not know anything. I don't want to figure it out. I didnt know then, I don't know now, and I wonder if I will ever REALLY "know". 

Hello. 

Jessica. 

You. You. You. What are YOU going to do? Where are YOU going to go? What is next for YOU? 

I don't want this, I don't want that... 

Well, it isn't about ME, anymore. It is now about me and Brayden. I have to think for the both of us. Plan for the both of us. Do for the both of us. 

Babble. Babble. Babble. 

So, what am I doing? What am I saying? 

A decision I have had to think about, cry about, pray about for 8 months now... Am I going to stay in Kentucky around the family? Or am I going to follow Catgerine to their next base? (Which is unknown, btw.) 

I finally told myself that it is really time to start thinking about what to do. I wrote lists. Pros/Cons of staying, Pros/Cons of going and then a list of things that I want/need/hope for. Writing this, and asking some unbiased ladies for their input, I have decided to... 

Stay in Kentucky, & rent a house, on my own. Give myself 1 year, on my own, to see if this is working for me and Brayden. If this is where I'm happy, get support, and just to see if this is where I want to stay. Lots of traveling will happen. If I were to move in on my own in May, then in May of 2015, Catherine & the family should be settled at their next location, and I will only be missing 5 months of that, if I end up choosing to go that direction. I will rent so I am not stuck. I will not stay where I am not happy. But I have to figure out what works. I have to start somewhere, and this is my start. This is our start. 

Staying in Kentucky will allow Brayden to be around family & "closer" to Ryan's family. 

We are closer to Ryan here. Which is important because I do plan on being graveside often. 

I do have a great support system here. 

(But will it be enough? I'll find out.) 

I don't enjoy KY much, but it is what I know & am comfortable with. 

I have help with my THREE dogs anytime I need it - for traveling!!! 

Stability. I need some sort of stability in my life. 

No, I won't be with the Morgan's, but honestly, this first year - I wouldn't get to be with them much anyway - besides the traveling that will be done! & who knows, in 12 months, this may not my same decision. 

If I go to a base with them, like planned - I have to think about things like.... Military won't move me, I'll be paying for that out of pocket - doing it on my own. I don't have Ryan. I don't have the military. Me. 

Being there might hurt at this point more so than anything, because that is a life Ryan and I lived. I can't even watch homecomings now...I don't know how I would be living near a base. I just don't know. 

Yes, I have the Morgans, but who else would I have? Would I have the support that I need? There's so much that I have to think about in this aspect. They are my BESTS, and I love them with all that I am, but can they offer me the support and/or back-up with a dog (or 3), my son, my house, anything, at any time? They would. At the drop of a dime. I've witnessed this. But it isn't always feasible, and they would be all that I have. 

I would be farther from Ryan, so additional road trips, and longer ones. 

I want for me and my babies to be on our own. 

I want to go back to school, ASAP.

I do not want Brayden in daycare. 

I will need back up & support to make the things that I want to happen, happen. So where will I best be able to do this? 

I am tired of moving. In 7 years, Ryan and I lived in KY, NC, NE, TX and Germany. Yes, NE for 2 years, but we moved after 1 year from an apartment to a house. Still a move. Still so much work! I do want to travel, explore, be on the go - but that's the beauty of this decision... I still can! 

I don't want to hurt anyone. It has been so hard. No matter the decision I made, I knew I was going to be hurting someone. It hurts me! But this first decision, is a temporary, 12 month trial decision. If it doesn't work out, I'll be with the Morgans quicker than my stuff arrived from Germany. ;) 

I know this post RAMBLED FOREVER - but I hope it has helped answer the questions, and I hope that I haven't hurt anyone! I love you all so much, and all of the support that I get on a daily basis from all around the world! It's amazing! Now...let me come visit and travel & show my appreciation! Lol. ;) 

Goodnight. 

Ps: <3