Death

Death has always been my biggest fear. 

It terrifies me. 

I wouldn't skydive, because of the what ifs. 

Hate flying because of the what ifs. 

Won't parasail because of the what ifs. 

One thing about me that Ryan disliked. My paranoia and fear of death. 

I'm scared of the unknown. I don't like not knowing. What comes next? What happens when you die? How does it feel? How do you just....die? I don't understand it, it's unknown to me, to anyone truthfully, & it terrifies me! 

I have never experienced death. I am 25 years old, and have all of my family members. All of my grandparents. I don't know how to deal with death. How to handle it, how to grieve. I go from never losing anyone, to losing the one person no one ever wants to lose. Their spouse. He was 25!! Had an amazing career. A fabulous marriage. And a baby on the way!  How does this happen? 

Now, I have to think.. "my husband is...dead. What does that mean? What happened to him?" 

I believe in Heaven. 

I don't KNOW it's real though. I just believe. 

I KNOW he's there, I know he's looking over me and Brayden. But what if?? 

I just don't know and it makes me so sick to think about. Death makes me sick. The unknown makes me sick. 

I love you infinitely, Ryan. Xoxo. I choose to believe that I will see you again. That this is not where it ends.