That day...

On August 3, we celebrated baby. Catherine and Travis (our chosen Godparents for Brayden) held our baby shower for us. We sweat our butts off, ate awesome food, played hilarious games and enjoyed great company. 
Of course there was picture taking, something I am now forever grateful for. Who knew those would be the last images of my husband? 

August 4, Ryan packed his bags and prepared things for his month trip to England. Ryan loved to travel so much, and that is one reason he specifically loved being stationed where we were because it meant he could travel, and do what he loved...his career. Although I had asked him several times to ask someone else to go to England since it was so close to my due date, and although I'd told him daily how unhappy I was that he was going on that TDY..He wanted to go, and I could not change that. He did some odds & ends around the house for me, since I was 33 weeks pregnant, he wanted to be sure things were taken care of before leaving me. I got a picture of him hanging the baby monitor without him knowing. This, would be the last photo of him alive... We went to bed that night with the same perfect goodnight kiss, and I love you as every other night. 

On August 5, he woke up at his normal time around 6am, and begun getting ready. He woke me at 630 like every other morning, so I could prepare his breakfast. Egg whites and oatmeal. Who knew that would be the last time that I would ever make him breakfast? I took him to work that morning to drop him off for the month. Everyone was behind, so we went to the gas station and got him some road snacks and then a quick trip through Burger King for me some breakfast. I dropped him off, and that was that. 

Later that evening, around 7-830 time frame, I got a phone call from Ryan letting me know that they made it to their first destination safely, where they would stay overnight and resume travel in the morning. He let me know he couldn't talk long because it was the duty phone, he wasn't getting internet for 1 night because it was expensive, so he would talk to me after they made it Mildenhall. Our phone call ended with, "I love you, muah, bye baby." The last words he would ever speak to me... 

I woke up around 8am on August 6. Checked my phone, and had 2 missed calls at 3:25am from the phone that Ryan had called me from the night before. It worried me, so I started messaging one of the other spouses that also had her husband on that TDY. She had not heard anything and seemed to have no reason of concern. Around 9:30-10, my door bell rang. I looked from the top of the steps, it looked like my realtors car, so I didn't answer. I laid back down and hushed my dogs. My friend C texts me telling me to open my door. I responded, "You're not out there!" She promptly messages me back telling me to just open my door. "It's my realtor, I already looked." where she responds with, "It's not your realtor, just open your door" 

I walked down the steps to the front door, where I could see blue outside of the windows, but had no idea what exactly stood outside my front door. 

I opened my door to see 3 men in service blues, standing in front of me with long, dreadful looks on their faces. I recognized 1 face. His commander. Who is closest to my door, with a blue folder in his hand. There's 1 reason these men come to your door, we all know why. The sickness in my stomach was nearly instant. They hadn't even said a word yet. After a few moments, "Mrs. Austin..." and then they asked if they could come inside. I stepped back so they could enter, and apologized for my the messy house. The chaplain told me to sit down, but I thought that I could handle whatever they had to say so I told them to "just tell me." 

Ryan's commander spoke.. "On behalf of the Chief of staff, the United States Air Force, I regret to inform you of the untimely death of your husband, Staff Sargeant Ryan Douglas Austin..." There was more. Date. Time. Location. and "coming into contact with a high powered live rail track" at the end. From the second he opened his mouth to talk, I wanted to throw up. By the end of his very scripted briefing, I was numb, yet so nauseated. 

I then proceeded to sit down, grabbed a pillow and held it. I was so numb. So confused. In denial. There was absolutely no way that this could be true. I honestly don't remember things that were coming out of my mouth, but I can remember saying things like.. "This is a sick joke, right?".. "I just talked to him last night!".. "He JUST left yesterday..".."There's no way." ..."We're getting ready to have our first baby!"..."He was just here!"...Meanwhile, the Commander continued to talk, as well as the Chaplain but the words they spoke were not heard. 

I stared. I stared so blankly at their shiny black shoes. In no time, my house became that of a newly widowed spouse. Ryan's first shirt entered with the Chief, along with my friend C. I knew I had to call Catherine. I needed Catherine, immediately. I started to speak, but the words just couldn't come to me, C had to take the phone and break the news to Catherine. That her best friends husband, and her husbands best friend, her friend, was gone. He was no longer with us. 

My mom was next. Then one of the other spouses thats husband was with Ryan. Ryan's younger brother. Then his step mom. And after that, I couldn't think. I couldn't speak the same story over and over anymore. Because to me, it wasn't true. It was a mistake. There's no way that my husband had gone. 

My house became so incredibly chaotic. Chief telling me what was happening next, and that they were going to be monitoring my health and the baby's health. People began to pour into my house. Some that I did not even know. 
Sitting in silence. Hugging me. Crying. Staring at my floor. I don't even know if people actually spoke to me. I remember it stared to rain. So I walked outside and sat on our porch. In the rain. C brought me a blanket. All I could do was sit there, in the rain, and stare blankly. In denial. How did this happen? How could it? My husband didn't even cuss! He'd never smoked a cigarette, or tried a drug in his life! The appropriate amount of tears didn't even fall from my eyes. How could they? I couldn't believe the things I had been told. I did my best to ignore everything & everyone around me. To make it not real. But the people just kept coming. Their tears kept flowing. Their silence still screaming at me. 

After walking back inside, I can't remember what happened the rest of the day. It all became a huge blur, and I obviously did a good job at blocking everything out. 

2 months & 6 days later.... I'm still in denial. I still try to ignore it. I still try not to believe it. I'm not ready to accept it. I'm not ready for "what's next"... I'm not ready to accept that this is the life that I have to live. To wake up every morning without Ryan, to go to sleep every night without him.. To never hear his voice again.. To raise our son without him.. To figure out what really is next.. I don't know what's next. I haven't began "walking" yet. No one step in front of the other. I'm scooting. I'm not swimming, I'm floating. I'm here. I'm alive. I'm not okay. 

& so this is life...