My mind constantly throws thoughts In every direction, every topic. So I'm gonna begin this post in the morning and I'm going to jot some of my thoughts down throughout the day.
We will start with... I hate life.
- Why do I have to eat and drink when Ryan can never eat and drink again?
- I'm going to kill these dogs!
- We have the lost beautiful son, ever.
- why can't I allow myself to cry? Why do I feel like I have to be strong? I'm a mess. My heart is broken. My heart is empty. My head is inhabitable. Why do I pretend?
- going to North Carolina is going to be a huge struggle and i don't know if I'm going to be able to get through it.
- why would a "loving" God have such awful, horrific plans?
-homecomings are stupid. They're just reminders that my husband came home in a casket.
-i have horrible thoughts that I'm not sure i truly mean, maybe it's just the emotions speaking.
-why has my stuff still not made it to the states?
-I'd like to have just one more day with Ryan. With the baby. I want to see him interact with the baby so bad. It was probably the one thing I was most excited about with having a baby. I wanted to see how he reacted to the baby, and how he interacted. Life is stupid.
-I'm tired and have a headache but I can't stop my mind.
-was it really instantaneous for Ryan? I hope he didn't feel anything or lay there and suffer.
-I don't know if I will ever know the truth.
-if people can taxidermy animals, why can't i do that to ryan? Why am I weird?
-I need to be around the life and things that Ryan & I built together to feel a little calmer and at peace.
-why do papers have you mark your marital status? It's a painful reminder. Thanks.
-I hope Ryan is proud of me. (On a side note, I think of Ryan constantly. He never ever leaves my mind. Not even for a second. I always wonder of Ryan would get mad at something im doing, or how he would act towards something, what he would do, etc..)
-I hope he is in love with Brayden. I can't wait to tell Brayden all about him!
-When will I feel a little less miserable?
-I hate that people take for granted so much.
-I hate reading your love statuses. But I don't really hate it. But I do. :/
-I want to scream at everyone.
-I wish I could cook for Ryan again. Or that I had the motivation to cook again, period.
-my room is a disaster. But trying to throw a ton of stuff from MY house and mine & Ryan's things into 1 small room is so hard. In addition to everything I've gained since his dead. Paperwork, donations, gifts. My room is more of a storage room. I don't even sleep in there!
I'm done. I've rambled enough.
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