Oh...Holidays Schmolidays....

I don't even know where to begin. 

I have slacked so much on writing. 

But what do you say that you haven't said before? I hate this life. What more could be said? 

I'll start with good news. 

Mine & Ryan's belongings have finally made it stateside! After 4 months! Now to just get it transferred from Virginia to Kentucky! 

Brayden will be 3 months old on Friday. 

I feel like the last 4 months since Ryan's death have gone by so much faster than his deployment did. I mean, really. 

Still don't have Ryan's headstone crap straightened out with the VA. They have come to not be my friends. They still have not responded to my cries for counseling. Whatever. 

This would have been our 8th Christmas together. Holidays are hard. 

December 5th was our anniversary. Our 7th anniversary of being together as well as our 4th married anniversary. 

 I did make the 4 hour drive down to visit with him. Being there just makes me soul feel at ease. I wish I could build a house right there. It was also Brayden's second time being there. I will ALWAYS take him there. We will always take photos of him growing up & visiting his dad & grandma. 

I've has rough days and I have had okay days. I'm never happy. Some days I am just a little less sad than others. 

2006-2009 our Christmas's were in NC. 

Our first Christmas on our own was in Nebraska in 2010. 

2011, we spent Christmas apart as he was deployed. 

2012, we spent Christmas in Germany! 

& now I'm back to doing this on my own.

It's going to be so hard. I want our tree. I want our ornaments. I want our stockings & our decorations. I want him to help me put the lights on the tree because I suck at it. I don't have a clue how I'm supposed to do this on my own. 

For more challenging days.. I am heading to North Carolina after Christmas to spend a few days with his dad and his dad's side of the family. 

Ryan and I moved out there together and lived in that house for a year. This trip, I honestly dread! I don't know how I'm going to do this road trip without him. We were the best pair for road trips! Now I'm doing it alone, with our 3 month old son. 

And then to be in that house, sleep in that house, without him. Ugh. Pray for me! 

I cannot even tell you what I would give to have Ryan back. For my son to be able to meet his father. I just want to see the look on Ryan's face. I want to hear what he would say to his son. 

Here's our first Family photo: 

Merry Christmas, readers! Thank you for all of your endless support, love, thoughts & prayers. You are appreciated more than I could write about!