No title, just writing...

On the night of your visitation, it was incredibly busy. There were so many people. They filled the entire guest book!

As stated in my other writing, your wishes were to have a closed casket. I did just that. I don't think it made all of your family happy, but it's about what you wanted. You didn't look like you, at all, to me anyway..so I don't think they wanted to see you.

Anyway. So many people came! There were fire trucks surrounding the funeral home just in case WBC decided to show up. One of the fire trucks was flying a huge flag. The Patriot Riders were posted up all around the funeral home. They also escorted you from Knoxville all the way to the funeral home. Everyone was so wonderful. Secretary's from political office's came to deliver me letters, Blue Star Mother's came, lots of your Offutt family came! Major C flew in from Germany..MSgt. B came, which was a surprise but was incredibly touching! It was quite overwhelming. I even tried to hide in the back, several times. But people kept finding me back there, so there was no point to keep trying. I talked to so many people, and honestly, I don't remember who I talked to and who just showed up. People introducing themselves to me who had gone to church with you when you were little, neighbors, family of family, friends of friends...It was just incredible and overwhelming. It was very humbling to know how many lives that you have touched. I knew you were amazing, but everyone else knew it too. And I was shown that this night and the day of your burial. I even tried to bring the dogs in to "visit" you, but they wouldn't allow it. They were your babies! And I was determined for them to get to visit you one last time...

So many people from your military career, coined you. Left coins to be put with you. Y even left his cable tools! His leatherman, snips and blade. TSgt. L & MSgt B left their coins that had been engraved with their names on them, even. So instead of me just sitting this huge bag of coins in there with you, and being done with it...I asked Major C to coin you. You took pride in  being coined, and being coined by commanders, so I felt it would mean more if your commander coined you. He took 2 coins out of the back, the squadron coin, and the Cable Dawg coin (I believe just those 2.) - And what happens next, I wish more than anything I would have videoed. (I think that's frowned upon, though.)

Major C stepped up to you, lifted your service jacket, found the pocket, and with his left hand placed the 2 coins inside the pocket inside your service jacket. He fixed the jacket back straight. He then placed the entire back of coins by your legs. He stood up straight, & raised his hand to his forehead, for a perfect salute. At this point...I was balling. (And am again now..) He stepped back (all in military marching style!), did a full turn and stepped back to the front row of seating. This is when I asked them to go ahead and close the casket. While they closed the casket, and fixed the flag over it....Major C stood there and saluted the entire time. It really was touching, and it wasn't what I expected in asking Major C to coin you, but it was beautiful and heartfelt.

I was the first one to see you that day, and I was the last one to leave you that night. I wish I never would have had to leave you. I wish they would have let me lay down right there beside you, and sleep next to you just one more time.

The following day, I was again the first one inside. Before the service began, I walked behind your casket, and sat on the step next to the podium where no one could see me. I sat there with my hand up under the flag, on the casket, and my  head leaning on the casket and just cried. I wasn't ready for this. I wasn't ready to take you to your final resting place, where I truly would never be able to physically touch you, or see you again. I didn't want to. I wanted to keep you. No one would let me. Something about it being morbid and illegal. Whatever. I wanted to anyway! When the music started playing, that was my cue that it was starting and I needed to get up and be seated. So I lifted the flag a little more, and kissed the casket. And this is where the flag started slipping off the front side of the casket, I grabbed it as quickly as possible with both hands. I was assured by your cousin, that it never touched the ground. Thank goodness. Can you imagine how embarrassing that was when I stood up, and the entire room was full? When I sat down back there, it was empty! That was almost a disaster.

The service was beautiful. I didn't plan it. I told D to do whatever he felt. I'd never planned a funeral, I'd never even thought about it. So, he did. Songs were sung. D's preaching was amazing. And I even asked Major C to speak. Most of the people there had not seen/been around you since HS, and I wanted everyone to get a glimpse at how you've grown. At your career. At the kind of man you became. Major C was able to make that very clear to everyone. My, oh my, how amazing you are! At the end, ALL of the Patriot Guard Riders lined up in couples and came down the aisle...Stepping up to your casket. If they were prior military, they saluted you. If they were not, they stood their with their hand across their heart. That is something else I wish I would have videoed. It was so very beautiful. This went on for about 5 minutes, until each and every last one of them stepped up to bid their last farewell, to you.

The procession line to Harlan was over a mile long. At one point, about 2 miles. So many police cars, Patriot Guard Riders... Going into Harlan was a sight that I will never forget. A feeling that I will never forget. A truly, truly humbling experience that made everyone cry. People were lined up on the roads, of all ages. Waving American flags. Holding signs saying "We love you Ryan!" or "Thank you for your service" - These people did not know you! Businesses must have put their businesses on hold, because employees were standing alongside the road. Saluting, hand over their heart, waving, holding a flag...Something. Nurses in scrubs outside the hospital, Walmart employees, Long John Silver employees..Those are the ones that still out to me at the moment. The Challenge Academy men/women were lined up, stood there saluting as we drove by. I read an article where someone said.. "It was a breathtaking and remarkable thing to see. Literally hundreds of folks stopped dead in traffic or lining the route, standing at attention and many waving the American flag."

It was overwhelming. Breathtaking. Amazing. Beautiful. Honorable. There was so much respect, and gratitude.

Once we got there, and everything was over....All I could do was sit on the ground next to you, and lean on you. I was not ready. I still am not. I still want to dig you up and keep you. See you again. Touch you again. I'm not okay with any of this. I am not okay with what I had to do. I miss you. I need you. I want you back. This is not the way we planned our future. This is not the way we planned having a baby together. This is not how it was supposed to be, and it is definitely not what you deserved. What I deserved or what your son deserved!

Procession Video I found on Youtube...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9gh2jKknRxo&feature=youtu.be

#1 - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a6y3QDjZV64

#2 - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tjnXhoKUQiA

 YES. The flag is backwards in this picture, it was corrected & fixed, but someone took this picture before it was fixed. The funeral home is at fault on this one!

3 months..

It has been 3 months.
3 months since my life dropped into the pits of Hell.

It has me thinking about the first day. It has me thinking about the 19th and the 20th. The days of your services.

I remember walking into the funeral home after you arrived there, and getting to see you for the first time. I remember walking in through the doors, turning my head to left, saw you at the end of the aisle, and just lost it. Thank goodness my Mom and C were there. I felt regret at first. Regretting that I chose to see you. I had doubts. Doubts that I would be able to walk down the aisle and see you up close. I didn't think I'd be able to even look your way again. But, I needed to. I mustered up, and slowly, depressingly walked down the empty room. Just staring at you. I was being held by my mom and C. I had no idea what I was doing. I had no idea why I was doing this. I didn't understand then, and I don't understand now. It was your wishes for your casket to be closed. I honored those wishes. I think it made some family not so happy. But they were your wishes. I had to see you. There was no doubt about that. I thought it would make this more real. It didn't. I stood over you, and shook my head. All I could say was, "this doesn't even look like him. At all. This isn't him."

I have so many issues with how you looked, but I didn't speak up. Talk about regretting that now. I wish I could have them dig you up, and fix it. But, I can't.

Anyway.. All I could do was stand over you. Cry. Deny. I was so scared. I have never dealt with death. I have everyone in my family. I was in the room with you when your mom died in your arms. That is the only death I have ever went through. I go from having everyone, to the first person I lose being my spouse. Why is that fair? Why is that the life that I have to live?

Your left eye wasn't closed all the way. You couldn't see your eyeball, but you could see the lining of the eyelid. And it irritated me. I should have had them fix it...But I didn't.
They had your blues shirt & jacket all the way up to your chin almost. You couldn't see any part of your neck at all. I wish I had them fix it...
They had so much make up on you! You looked airbrushed. You looked like a doll. Your skin was never that smooth. You shaved every single day, and still yet, your skin was not that smooth. And you hadn't shaved in ALMOST 24 hours, your face would have definitely had stubbles! I should have told them to just leave the make up off of you. So I could see YOU. You didn't need to be spiffed up. You were perfect in your natural state. I regret this. It's part of the reason you didn't look like you at all. I have never seen your face not only so smooth, but so pale. I'll definitely be putting in my wishes that I want no make up.
Your lips just weren't normal. Ugh, I hate it.

Your head had staples in it from the autopsy in England. It caught me off guard, because I wasn't told about it, and I spotted it. It broke my heart to see you that way.

The only thing I could do was rub your hair. Kiss your forehead. I tasted the make up. I felt how hard you were. But your hair, your hair was still the same. It was still as short as it normally was. It hadn't grown since I last saw you. I could still see the freckle on your nose that you hated so much. I held your hand. It was swollen. It was hard. But you had those gloves on. I wish I would have asked them to take your gloves OFF. You'd never had them, worn them. They weren't yours. I wanted to touch your hand. I want to see your hands. Why did I not speak up? Why did I allow myself to walk away with regrets?

I think so much about these days...I think so much about the accident happening. So many what ifs? SO many questions. What was going through your mind when you were falling? Did you know you were about to be electrocuted? Did you know you were about to die? Were you scared? Did you have any pain at all? Lord I hope not. My mind never stops running. It's constantly stuck on you. I don't mind thinking about you all the time. It keeps my heart happy. To know that my love for you will forever go on. But, it hurts so bad to think of all the things that I will never know.

I love you so much, Ryan. Infinitely Eternally. I am yours. You are mine. That will never change. I hope you are proud of me as a new mother. I hope you are proud of the perfect son that you have! You will meet him someday. And I will see you, again. This is NOT where it ends. Remember...Til death do us part is for quitters! I miss you. Always.

I'll leave you with this photo. This is when you came home from work to tell me that you made Staff. <3 You were so excited, and for once, so very proud of yourself. I love you!!!

Let's skip it!

It's that date again.. The one that will happen every month.. That I wish never existed. That I wish never happened.

Tomorrow makes 3 months.
N said there is no longer a "6th" that it is now the "5.5" NICE. That's what I am going to start using, then!

I could also do with skipping over the 12th, and the 20th. But, I'll be okay with dropping the 6th of every month.

How has it been 3 months?

I know this is short, but I have plenty more to write later. So for now...


this is life!