& really, I hate it all.
But one I particularly hate...decision making. Ryan & I made nearly all decisions together. Always! For 7 years! He is all I have known in my adult life. It is so hard to now make not only simple decisions, but life changing decisions! I hate it SO much! I wish he could just write me a letter every once in a while and tell me what HE thinks. I hope you're reading this memo, Ryan! ;) letters please!
A few questions that I hate, but have been asked a billion times since August - "What are you going to do?"
"Where are you going to go?"
"What's next?"
...I don't know.
...I don't know.
...I don't know. Don't want to know.
I'm going to stay in hiding & not know anything. I don't want to figure it out. I didnt know then, I don't know now, and I wonder if I will ever REALLY "know".
Hello.
Jessica.
You. You. You. What are YOU going to do? Where are YOU going to go? What is next for YOU?
I don't want this, I don't want that...
Well, it isn't about ME, anymore. It is now about me and Brayden. I have to think for the both of us. Plan for the both of us. Do for the both of us.
Babble. Babble. Babble.
So, what am I doing? What am I saying?
A decision I have had to think about, cry about, pray about for 8 months now... Am I going to stay in Kentucky around the family? Or am I going to follow Catgerine to their next base? (Which is unknown, btw.)
I finally told myself that it is really time to start thinking about what to do. I wrote lists. Pros/Cons of staying, Pros/Cons of going and then a list of things that I want/need/hope for. Writing this, and asking some unbiased ladies for their input, I have decided to...
Stay in Kentucky, & rent a house, on my own. Give myself 1 year, on my own, to see if this is working for me and Brayden. If this is where I'm happy, get support, and just to see if this is where I want to stay. Lots of traveling will happen. If I were to move in on my own in May, then in May of 2015, Catherine & the family should be settled at their next location, and I will only be missing 5 months of that, if I end up choosing to go that direction. I will rent so I am not stuck. I will not stay where I am not happy. But I have to figure out what works. I have to start somewhere, and this is my start. This is our start.
Staying in Kentucky will allow Brayden to be around family & "closer" to Ryan's family.
We are closer to Ryan here. Which is important because I do plan on being graveside often.
I do have a great support system here.
(But will it be enough? I'll find out.)
I don't enjoy KY much, but it is what I know & am comfortable with.
I have help with my THREE dogs anytime I need it - for traveling!!!
Stability. I need some sort of stability in my life.
No, I won't be with the Morgan's, but honestly, this first year - I wouldn't get to be with them much anyway - besides the traveling that will be done! & who knows, in 12 months, this may not my same decision.
If I go to a base with them, like planned - I have to think about things like.... Military won't move me, I'll be paying for that out of pocket - doing it on my own. I don't have Ryan. I don't have the military. Me.
Being there might hurt at this point more so than anything, because that is a life Ryan and I lived. I can't even watch homecomings now...I don't know how I would be living near a base. I just don't know.
Yes, I have the Morgans, but who else would I have? Would I have the support that I need? There's so much that I have to think about in this aspect. They are my BESTS, and I love them with all that I am, but can they offer me the support and/or back-up with a dog (or 3), my son, my house, anything, at any time? They would. At the drop of a dime. I've witnessed this. But it isn't always feasible, and they would be all that I have.
I would be farther from Ryan, so additional road trips, and longer ones.
I want for me and my babies to be on our own.
I want to go back to school, ASAP.
I do not want Brayden in daycare.
I will need back up & support to make the things that I want to happen, happen. So where will I best be able to do this?
I am tired of moving. In 7 years, Ryan and I lived in KY, NC, NE, TX and Germany. Yes, NE for 2 years, but we moved after 1 year from an apartment to a house. Still a move. Still so much work! I do want to travel, explore, be on the go - but that's the beauty of this decision... I still can!
I don't want to hurt anyone. It has been so hard. No matter the decision I made, I knew I was going to be hurting someone. It hurts me! But this first decision, is a temporary, 12 month trial decision. If it doesn't work out, I'll be with the Morgans quicker than my stuff arrived from Germany. ;)
I know this post RAMBLED FOREVER - but I hope it has helped answer the questions, and I hope that I haven't hurt anyone! I love you all so much, and all of the support that I get on a daily basis from all around the world! It's amazing! Now...let me come visit and travel & show my appreciation! Lol. ;)
Goodnight.
Ps: <3
