God's Entertainment

I think the last 3 months of my life wouldn't have been as bad without my husband. But God took my husband from me, and then proceeds to make a huge joke our of my daily life. I feel like God is watching my life on Comedy Central. Only, it isn't funny at all. But, all I want to do is laugh, cry, scream.

I have had issues with nearly EVERY single aspect of dealing with Ryan's death. Will it ever end? I mean, really?

In the beginning, I had issues with the bank locking me out of our bank account although I was on the account! Now, it wasn't even logical! They locked me from DEPOSITING money. But I could withdrawal every single penny! What sense does that make? They locked me from paying our $70 credit card bill when I tried paying it. What!? And then they locked me from logging into the account online. Dumb!

I haven't had issues with AT&T, per say, but it's quite ridiculous! I am somehow, not an authorized user on the account but his brother, who no longer even has a line on our account, is? So, I was able to unsuspend our account, and I can pay for it every month, but I can't do anything else. I cannot change the address, transfer it into my name, nothing! I've been paying for Ryan's phone as well now for almost 3 months, and they told me that even once they receive the Death Certificate it's like another 4+ month process to get his name off of it. WHAT!? And I have to pay for this the entire time!?! Yes! Are you kidding me??? My husband had the career. I did not. There is no monthly income. Are they stupid? YES!

Everywhere, everything, everyone wants a death certificate to do anything. Well, I cannot be issued a death certificate until the investigation closes. And guess what? 2 out of 3 investigations are still open. I don't see me getting a death certificate any time soon!

There have been so many issues come up, that I have luckily been able to fix..

Received our car stateside, finally. Registration with my name on it was well as Ryan's, was missing. It was completely accidental, but still stressful. I had a Report of Casualty, Customs paperwork, registration with the prior owners name, and the bill of sale. The report of casualty had my name on it, THANK GOD. I sat at the DMV for almost 4 hours, with a newborn might I add, while waiting to see if they would accept that paperwork and let me title the car. After forever, they did. And I was able to register, title & tag the car.
THEN, I sat there longer because the Revenue wanted to charge me full retail price as if I was buying the car from Ryan. WHAT? I didn't BUY the car from Ryan! He was my husband! He died! But they would NOT budge. At. ALL. I had to pay $400 to title the car. Take a minute to laugh at that.

Getting my Driver's license renewed. I already had a KY license. But I needed to renew them, and change the address on them. They would NOT let me change the address without a piece of mail, postage paid, with my name and address on it. Seriously? Lol. I have had mail coming to this house for 7 years, I have not lived here in 7 years! I have mail that probably still goes to Texas, Nebraska, North Carolina, Germany...all in my name, but I don't live there. What does that prove?? Please explain that to me! So, I had to leave and come home, grabbed a sympathy card and took it back. I mean, because getting a card in the mail proves, and verifies that I live at that address, right? Take a minute to laugh at that.

Quick instances; I had gotten a letter for a refusal to pay for his headstone because they wanted a discharge paper, lots of the benefit paperwork that was completed in Germany is coming back to me and needing re-done.. I didn't want to do it then because it meant my husband was dead, and I didn't. All I did was sign papers, and they took care of the rest. And now it's all coming back! I don't want to do it now because it means the same thing. I'm not lazy, or relying on other people, but I don't want to do it! I don't want to read the papers. I just don't. I have gotten 3 benefit papers back, and the headstone issue.

The fact that I had to deliver my child without my husband, not even just without my husband, but the fact that my husband had died a month earlier. THEN, having to do the one thing I didn't want to..Have a c-section.

Getting Ryan's belongings in pieces, is.killing.me! It is no one's fault that it is coming the way it is, but having to go through it, and then wait...and go through more, and wait...it's killing me. I received his things that he took with him to England about 2 weeks ago.. I didn't even go through his suit case, it's in the garage. I really just cannot do it. Still waiting on his wallet and cell phone though. That's still in England. Once they release it, it will go to Germany. And then to me. I'm not sure what his cell phone & wallet are providing for the investigation, but OK.

My things are being stored in Virginia. Why? I guess because that's where the port is. It's 10 hours from me. I have stuff in there that I want/need. I came to the states with maternity clothes. 2 pairs of flip flops & a pair of slippers. I was under the impression my things would be close to me. It isn't even getting to VA until the end of November. And then I have to use my 1 time military move for it to be moved closer to me, because you know.. I need my clothes and things!

I've had numerous issues with insurance, medical insurance wise AND health insurance.
Trouble with getting my meds filled because no where wants to accept Tricare, Doctors forgetting to sign the script...etc.
My case worker AND my casualty officer were both furloughed throughout the government shut down, so I had to wait for any questions or concerns..

There have been other issues that I have run into, that I don't want to write about because I don't want anyone to think I am blaming them, because I know it is not their fault..I also am drawing a blank past all of this... But there's more. So much more. It's something new every day. If not every day, at least every other day. I'm really just not sure when any of it will end. Please, PLEASE, cancel my show on Comedy Central, and let me grieve. Or give me my husband back! There's the only 2 options!

Running 4 Ryan

Ryan and I have came into contact with some wonderfully amazing people in the last 7 years of our life together. Even more so, the last 3.5 years of his Military Career. He has had amazing leadership, mentors, co-workers and friends/brothers&sisters!

One in particular, his first Squadron Commander at Kapaun in Germany. Major Freeman is one amazing leader! Ryan always had good things to say about her. We even talked about her Dragon shirt, and that she was the Lady Dragon!

Major Freeman created a group on Facebook titled "R4R" meaning Running for Ryan...She knew, as we all know, that Ryan loved to run. And one of his dreams/goals was to run a marathon, run in races in big cities, run fun runs, run in Ireland, in England, in Spain..He wanted to participate in all of them. Unfortunately, he didn't get to complete one.

A few weeks before his death, he ran in the Viking Challenge on Vogelweh in Germany. It was a 24 hour run with proceeds going to the Fischer House. Ryan completed 22 miles while there, and was mildly upset at himself for not being able to continue to reach that marathon mileage.

To participate & honor Ryan, simply write "R4R" on your race bib & post in the group the city, distance & anything else you'd like to post about the race. ALL distances are welcomed, and encouraged!

Here's the link to the OPEN group:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/203107656535005/

In the group, I shared this: 

"In hopes he can encourage some of you... 

On Sept. 7, 2012, Ryan & I ran our first actual 5k. (Of course Ryan had ran them all the time.. Once even 15 miles when he was deployed!) 

We ran the Omaha Midnight Run. 

Ryan completed the run 88th out of 1,234 (and was not pleased!) completing it in 22:12. 

Once he completed, he turned around to find me, & ran alongside me, encouraging me, pushing me and finished the race a 2nd time...with me. 

Ryan wanted to run everywhere! He wanted to run marathons everywhere! Big cities, countries, and for all reasons."

I miss you so much, Ryan. & I love you, infinitely. 

My Strength...

My strength comes from him...

And him... 

And YOU. In the last week, I have received 2 pieces of mail from YOU.
Now, I have received LOTS of mail, cards, & messages and I appreciate them all. They ALL stick in the front of my mind. But, I want to start to really thank you. I want you to really know that I really do appreciate everything, and I want you to know that YOU are my strength.

I won't post names just in case, but I will initial! Both pieces of mail came enclosed with a card, and a gift for Brayden & myself.

"Courage. Hope. Strength. As you face one day at a time.

Jessica, 

         You have been a pillar of strength and truly an inspiration during this time. You have taught me to cherish every moment, good & bad, never take anything for granted and to take a lot of pictures. You have taught me to love my husband again and made me love him more. Not a day goes by that you don't cross my mind. You are always in my prayers. I am so happy you have Brayden and you will be a fabulous Mommy!

 <3,

M"

-------------------------------------------------------------

"Jessica,

          I hate that I even have to write you this letter. No one should ever have to face what you are going through. My heart breaks for you and for your son. Even though I never got to know your husband well, I know how highly you spoke of him and how much you loved him. The world lost an incredible man and no words can convey my sorrow.

          Nothing I say or write or do will fix any of this, but I want you to know that you and your son are in my prayers. You are a wonderful mom and your son is perfect.

          Enclosed is a ring sling for you and your son. I remember how excited you were about using one and how much you liked my rainbow. Through the generous gift of money and time, a mom that I never met helped me get this for you.

          Rainbows are a sign of hope and promises of a better tomorrow. I know it's just a sling, but may it be a blessing to you and your son. Rainbows only come after a storm and my, what a storm you are weathering. May this be a reminder to you that your rainbow is out there and that, while you may not see it now, it is there for you. May you be able to snuggle your sweet son even closer and may you be surrounded by people who will lift you up when the day is too much and stand beside you when you cannot go on anymore.

          You are strong. You are an inspiration. And your son is blessed to have you for a mother.

Much love and prayers,

K"

Please, K, thank the other Mom who helped you get the ring sling for Brayden and I! I, as you know, love it! I will post a picture of it, as soon as I learn to use it, lol!

To both you, K & M... your words are imprinted on my heart and in my head. I cried as I read both, and I cried as I just typed them. It means so much to me to know that Ryan & I have came into contact with some of the most amazing people in the world. To know that those amazing people, are in MY life, is a huge blessing. You all are blessings to me. You take part in my backbone. I don't have enough words to tell you & everyone else how much you mean to me, and how much you & your words are appreciated.

ALSO...

There are 2 people that send me nearly daily messages on Facebook. Without hesitation, without skipping a beat. J & M. Messages range from "XOXO", "<3", "thinking about you", "I love you, praying for you" - to so much more! Just small, quick messages to let me know that I am on their mind.  I may not respond to you every day, or hardly at all, but opening your messages every.single.day and knowing that I have you 2 behind me, lifts me up. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Death

Death has always been my biggest fear. 

It terrifies me. 

I wouldn't skydive, because of the what ifs. 

Hate flying because of the what ifs. 

Won't parasail because of the what ifs. 

One thing about me that Ryan disliked. My paranoia and fear of death. 

I'm scared of the unknown. I don't like not knowing. What comes next? What happens when you die? How does it feel? How do you just....die? I don't understand it, it's unknown to me, to anyone truthfully, & it terrifies me! 

I have never experienced death. I am 25 years old, and have all of my family members. All of my grandparents. I don't know how to deal with death. How to handle it, how to grieve. I go from never losing anyone, to losing the one person no one ever wants to lose. Their spouse. He was 25!! Had an amazing career. A fabulous marriage. And a baby on the way!  How does this happen? 

Now, I have to think.. "my husband is...dead. What does that mean? What happened to him?" 

I believe in Heaven. 

I don't KNOW it's real though. I just believe. 

I KNOW he's there, I know he's looking over me and Brayden. But what if?? 

I just don't know and it makes me so sick to think about. Death makes me sick. The unknown makes me sick. 

I love you infinitely, Ryan. Xoxo. I choose to believe that I will see you again. That this is not where it ends. 

Playlist

I listen to sad music...
 It makes me feel better...? 
Have you ever sang out loud, while crying? It really sounds like a moose with a toothache! But I do it. 

What do I listen to?

• Staind - All I want
• Laura Story - Blessings
• The Script - Breakeven
• Mariah Carey  - Bye Bye
• Crossfade - Cold (There's a story behind this...)
• Luke Bryan - Drink A Beer (This is a song that Travis told me came on while he was thinking about Ryan. Sooo sad. But what a perfect song!)
• Vince Gill - Go Rest High on That Mountain ( This song was sung at Ryan's service)
• 3 Doors Down - Here Without You
• Mariah Carey - Hero
• MercyMe - I Can Only Imagine
• Plumb - I Want You Here
• Faith Evans & P. Diddy - I'll Be Missing You
• LoneStar - I'm Already There
• Justin Moore - If Heaven Wasn't So Far Away
• Staind - It's Been Awhile
• Carrie Underwood - Just A Dream
• P!nk - Just Give Me A Reason (We sang this a lot in the car together)
• Delta Goodrem - Lost Without You
• Blake Shelton - Mine Would Be You
• Mariah Carey - One Sweet Day
• Staind - Right Here
• Carrie Underwood - See You Again
• Staind - Tangled Up In You (Our first dance song)
• Faith Hill - There You'll Be
• P!nk - True Love (I used to always tell Ryan this was my song to him! lol)
• Simple Plan - Untitled
• Jeremy Camp - Walk By Faith

What are some songs that help you get through tough times? 

This is for you

This one is for you. 

Yes, you. 

I want to message every single one of you. I want to have a conversation with each of you. I want to hand write you a thank you letter, and send it to you. 

However, writing each of you is not as easy as I thought it would be. 

So, this one is for you. You who messaged me. Prayed for me. Donated money. Donated items. Brought me food. Sent me a card. Reposted a status, reposted an article. For you, who cried. Who lost a little bit of sleep. For you who even just think of me, think of Brayden or think of Ryan. 

50% of you are complete strangers. People I've never met. Never had a conversation with. Some, I can't even contact because I have no idea how to. I hope you see this. 

I hope that each & every one of you know how much I truly appreciate it all. It all means so much to me, and has shown me how amazing people really are in times of tragedy, need, heartache... You all are so amazing. 

Thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Because of you, your thoughts, you prayers, I'm a little bit stronger. Because of people like you, I won't give up. I will keep going. I will one day, inspire others. 

Stranger or not, each of you hold a special spot in my heart. 

I love all of you. Thank you. 

DMV

Here's my miniature vent for the day.... 

Just because a piece of mail comes to an address in MY name, does NOT prove/verify/confirm that I live at that address. 

Let's be real. 

Nothing in the last 2 months has gone smoothly for me. 

& so this is life...

Reliving...

I can replay the day he arrived at the funeral home and I got to see him. 
I can replay the day of his visitation.
I can replay the funeral. 
I can replay it all, like it's a script I've been memorizing for years. 
It's a tape that continuously plays in my head. They are scenes that live in the front of my mind.
This is my hell.
This is my nightmare.

I won't re-hash that on here. Yet. But, I will make some notes...
-He did not look like he was sleeping. He did not look peaceful. He looked lifeless. I just wanted to grab him out of there and hold him. And squeeze him. And never let go. Ever. I told him I'd never let him go, all the time in the last 7 years, and I did. I let him go. Do you know how painful of a feeling that is? To have to see the love of your life, at 25 years old, laying lifeless...And have to turn and walk away from them, forever?

-Running my fingers over his hair, and kissing him on the forehead. It felt so right. I never wanted to stop. It's all I could do, and I didn't want to have to stop. 

-I kept the ring that I put on his finger on our wedding day, the ring he's worn for the last few years... I wanted it. But, I did buy him another ring, so he could be buried with one. 

-He was coined by his commander. This, I WILL play out for you all, because it was perfect..But, not in this entry. 

-It was all so...so...very...miserable. 


I'm not sure what the exact point of this entry was...I forgot...Which is pretty typical now-a-days...


& so this is life... 

That day...

On August 3, we celebrated baby. Catherine and Travis (our chosen Godparents for Brayden) held our baby shower for us. We sweat our butts off, ate awesome food, played hilarious games and enjoyed great company. 
Of course there was picture taking, something I am now forever grateful for. Who knew those would be the last images of my husband? 

August 4, Ryan packed his bags and prepared things for his month trip to England. Ryan loved to travel so much, and that is one reason he specifically loved being stationed where we were because it meant he could travel, and do what he loved...his career. Although I had asked him several times to ask someone else to go to England since it was so close to my due date, and although I'd told him daily how unhappy I was that he was going on that TDY..He wanted to go, and I could not change that. He did some odds & ends around the house for me, since I was 33 weeks pregnant, he wanted to be sure things were taken care of before leaving me. I got a picture of him hanging the baby monitor without him knowing. This, would be the last photo of him alive... We went to bed that night with the same perfect goodnight kiss, and I love you as every other night. 

On August 5, he woke up at his normal time around 6am, and begun getting ready. He woke me at 630 like every other morning, so I could prepare his breakfast. Egg whites and oatmeal. Who knew that would be the last time that I would ever make him breakfast? I took him to work that morning to drop him off for the month. Everyone was behind, so we went to the gas station and got him some road snacks and then a quick trip through Burger King for me some breakfast. I dropped him off, and that was that. 

Later that evening, around 7-830 time frame, I got a phone call from Ryan letting me know that they made it to their first destination safely, where they would stay overnight and resume travel in the morning. He let me know he couldn't talk long because it was the duty phone, he wasn't getting internet for 1 night because it was expensive, so he would talk to me after they made it Mildenhall. Our phone call ended with, "I love you, muah, bye baby." The last words he would ever speak to me... 

I woke up around 8am on August 6. Checked my phone, and had 2 missed calls at 3:25am from the phone that Ryan had called me from the night before. It worried me, so I started messaging one of the other spouses that also had her husband on that TDY. She had not heard anything and seemed to have no reason of concern. Around 9:30-10, my door bell rang. I looked from the top of the steps, it looked like my realtors car, so I didn't answer. I laid back down and hushed my dogs. My friend C texts me telling me to open my door. I responded, "You're not out there!" She promptly messages me back telling me to just open my door. "It's my realtor, I already looked." where she responds with, "It's not your realtor, just open your door" 

I walked down the steps to the front door, where I could see blue outside of the windows, but had no idea what exactly stood outside my front door. 

I opened my door to see 3 men in service blues, standing in front of me with long, dreadful looks on their faces. I recognized 1 face. His commander. Who is closest to my door, with a blue folder in his hand. There's 1 reason these men come to your door, we all know why. The sickness in my stomach was nearly instant. They hadn't even said a word yet. After a few moments, "Mrs. Austin..." and then they asked if they could come inside. I stepped back so they could enter, and apologized for my the messy house. The chaplain told me to sit down, but I thought that I could handle whatever they had to say so I told them to "just tell me." 

Ryan's commander spoke.. "On behalf of the Chief of staff, the United States Air Force, I regret to inform you of the untimely death of your husband, Staff Sargeant Ryan Douglas Austin..." There was more. Date. Time. Location. and "coming into contact with a high powered live rail track" at the end. From the second he opened his mouth to talk, I wanted to throw up. By the end of his very scripted briefing, I was numb, yet so nauseated. 

I then proceeded to sit down, grabbed a pillow and held it. I was so numb. So confused. In denial. There was absolutely no way that this could be true. I honestly don't remember things that were coming out of my mouth, but I can remember saying things like.. "This is a sick joke, right?".. "I just talked to him last night!".. "He JUST left yesterday..".."There's no way." ..."We're getting ready to have our first baby!"..."He was just here!"...Meanwhile, the Commander continued to talk, as well as the Chaplain but the words they spoke were not heard. 

I stared. I stared so blankly at their shiny black shoes. In no time, my house became that of a newly widowed spouse. Ryan's first shirt entered with the Chief, along with my friend C. I knew I had to call Catherine. I needed Catherine, immediately. I started to speak, but the words just couldn't come to me, C had to take the phone and break the news to Catherine. That her best friends husband, and her husbands best friend, her friend, was gone. He was no longer with us. 

My mom was next. Then one of the other spouses thats husband was with Ryan. Ryan's younger brother. Then his step mom. And after that, I couldn't think. I couldn't speak the same story over and over anymore. Because to me, it wasn't true. It was a mistake. There's no way that my husband had gone. 

My house became so incredibly chaotic. Chief telling me what was happening next, and that they were going to be monitoring my health and the baby's health. People began to pour into my house. Some that I did not even know. 
Sitting in silence. Hugging me. Crying. Staring at my floor. I don't even know if people actually spoke to me. I remember it stared to rain. So I walked outside and sat on our porch. In the rain. C brought me a blanket. All I could do was sit there, in the rain, and stare blankly. In denial. How did this happen? How could it? My husband didn't even cuss! He'd never smoked a cigarette, or tried a drug in his life! The appropriate amount of tears didn't even fall from my eyes. How could they? I couldn't believe the things I had been told. I did my best to ignore everything & everyone around me. To make it not real. But the people just kept coming. Their tears kept flowing. Their silence still screaming at me. 

After walking back inside, I can't remember what happened the rest of the day. It all became a huge blur, and I obviously did a good job at blocking everything out. 

2 months & 6 days later.... I'm still in denial. I still try to ignore it. I still try not to believe it. I'm not ready to accept it. I'm not ready for "what's next"... I'm not ready to accept that this is the life that I have to live. To wake up every morning without Ryan, to go to sleep every night without him.. To never hear his voice again.. To raise our son without him.. To figure out what really is next.. I don't know what's next. I haven't began "walking" yet. No one step in front of the other. I'm scooting. I'm not swimming, I'm floating. I'm here. I'm alive. I'm not okay. 

& so this is life... 

& so here I am...

Writing. Writing soothes my mind, and calms my soul. 

I'm not a good writer, I'm terrible with punctuation and grammar and have lots of run on sentences... But I write what I feel, how can I be bad at that? 

Most of you know who I am, and know my story...But for those of you that do not..

I'm Jessica, a 25 year old Military Widow, and mother of an almost 3 week old. I live a nightmare. That's putting it simply. 

I lost my husband on August 6, while he was in England on Temporary Duty. He had actually been gone less than 24 hours. I was 33 weeks pregnant, and we were living in Germany stationed at Kapaun Air Station outside of Ramstein. 

I flew home to Kentucky at 34 weeks pregnant, and gave birth to our son on September 20th. 

I was born in Corbin, Kentucky and raised in Northern Kentucky. I graduated from Boone County High School in 2006.
Met my husband in October 2006. 
We began dating on December 5, 2006. 
6 months later, we moved to North Carolina to live with his dad. It was short lived as his mother in KY was terminally ill & Ryan wanted to be with her.
December 5, 2007, Ryan proposed. Of course I said yes! 
Ryan's mother passed away in November 2008, and threw Ryan for a whirl. He went through months of not knowing what he wanted in life, what he wanted with me, just months of so much unknown. His mother, Karen, had talked to him about joining the military. Eventually, he started bringing it up to me. He had weight to lose. He had time. In 1 years time, he did amazing on his ASVAB test, lost the 60+ lbs he needed to lose, worked full time, and enlisted. 
We married on December 5, 2009. 
Ryan left for basic training for the Air Force in January 2010. 
May 2010 I moved to Wichita Falls, Texas to be with Ryan while he completed Tech School. 
August 2010, we held our wedding ceremony and completed our first military move to Offutt AFB, Nebraska. 
October 2012, we moved to Germany for a 4 year tour. 
August 2013, tragedy strikes. 

& so this is life...