Rant, Rant, Rant...

I am not the same person that I was one year ago. 

I do not live the same way I did one year ago. 

I do not laugh the same way I did one year ago. 

I do not smile the same way I did one year ago. 

I do not think the same way I did one year ago.

My life is 100% different than it was one year ago. 

I am not a single mom. I am a widowed mom. 

What has happened to me, does not define me. 

Losing the love of my life, my husband, my soul mate, has affected me every single day. And will every single day for the rest of my life. I didn't just lose him on August 6, I relive it every morning when I wake up. 

I will never move on. I will never be over it. I will absolutely pick my life up, and move forward though. I am the only person that give my son every part of his father as if he were here and I will do that. 

Ryan was my everything. For 7 years. My entire adulthood. He and I grew from smartass 18 year olds to mature adults together. My entire life was planned out with him. Everything I have, I have because of him. I know the meaning of true, passionate love because of him. The things that we went through together in 7 years & the love we built together in 7 years, could equal what others go through in 20 years. I knew Ryan like the back of my hand and he knew me the same. I still can make decisions "with" Ryan now, because half the time I know exactly what his view would be. 

My love for Ryan will never, ever fade. Nor will it ever be hidden. 

I have faced so much in the last year without my other half. I flew home from Germany at 34 weeks pregnant without him. I died inside a little while standing over his perfect yet lifeless body at 35 weeks pregnant & 24 years old - trying to make myself wake up from the nightmare. Trying to make sense of it, trying to convince my mind it wasn't true. I gave birth without the father of my child. I have dealt with every single day for the last year, without him. I have taken care of OUR son every single day, alone. Even more so, I have taken care of 3 dogs and myself. 

On particularly rough days, I don't get to decide I don't want to get out of bed. I don't get to decide I'm going to sit and cry all day. Those thoughts are quickly smashed by a baby laying next to me, waking up saying "da da da da da" and 3 dogs in the other room crying to get out of their cages. 

I have fought HARD to get my mind into a good place. I have fought HARD to not be awake until 5am thinking about everything that Ryan went through in his autopsy, or what happened that night, or any other detail. 

My life before August 6 and my life after August 6, are not the same. 

With all that being said. I am so tired of reading and hearing how YOU feel about MY life, the people in my life and my decisions. I will start cutting every single one of you out of my life SO quickly if it continues. I don't deserve it. Brayden doesn't deserve it. I am as happy as I can be, and Brayden is happy. He is beyond well taken care of. This should be all that matters. 

You do not live my life. You have no right to pass any judgement. All of my decisions have been made on my time, when I'm ready, when I feel it's right. 

I understand that not everyone understands my decisions, but no one needs to. It is my journey. Let me live it, happily. Without having to hear the echoes of your negativity in the back of my head. Because I won't let it continue for much longer. 

Damn. You.

Damn you who hurt me. 

I'm so tired of being quiet. Of silently screaming! I just want to get it out. 

I have had enough of giving to you. For once, can you be there for me when I need you? Can you be there for me on the rare occasion that I ask for help? 

You are not a victim. You made your bed. Get up and do something to fix what has been caused by no one but YOU. I'm tired of being walked on by you. I'm tired of constantly giving. My give-a-damn has absolutely run dry. Try being there for me for a change. Try giving instead of taking. Try owning up to your mistakes and quit playing woe is me. 

I'm so tired of alcohol being more important than me. Better yet, I'm BEYOND tired of alcohol being more important than my son. The things you have said and done to me, unforgivable. It won't happen to my son. I won't let him feel the way that I have felt. I will protect him from it with my life. I'm waiting for you to "grow up", for you to realize you're killing yourself so quickly, I'm waiting for you to for once in your life, put your damn family first! FIRST. Before ALL ELSE. When that happens, I would love for my son to see you and know you. Until that day, he & I are better off without you & without your "drug". If my son doesn't know you, that ball is in your court.  

I'm so tired of being put down by you! Who are you to tell me what is and isn't okay for me to be doing? You haven't lived my life. And you wouldn't survive a damn day in it! We lost the same person. We didn't lose the same relationship. We didn't lose the same life. You have no right to tell me what's too soon, that your loss is greater. You have no right to act like I am not hurting, like my feelings don't matter. I lost the love of my life, the man i spent 7 years with. The man my entire life was planned out with. The father of my child. It will never be okay. I will never be finished hurting. I will never be "over" it. Stop acting like I am. It isn't your business and it isn't your life. I am happy. My son is happy. My son is taken care of 10000000%. By me. And only me. All day. Every day. 100% of the time. I do this shit alone. I do everything alone. You have never been a support for me, and you damn sure haven't tried to be a support since Ryan died. You have no right to have any judgement or opinion on my life! 

If my son doesn't know who you are, that is not my problem. There is ONE person that I will make damn sure, with everything in my power, that my son knows. And that is the person that was ripped from him before he ever got the chance to meet him. His father. That's it. If you want my son to know you, be present in his life. Otherwise, quit complaining about it. 

I. 

Don't.

Care. 

Anymore. 

I live and breathe for my son, and he is first before all else. That's all that matters.