Laters, 2014!

Tschüss. 

Adios. 

PEACE. OUT. 

It really hasn't been a bad year, all-in-all. 

My husband is still gone, nothing magical brought him back & that's unfortunate. Living & breathing is still hard sometimes, but it was a pretty good year. 

Brayden is growing way too quickly. 

My heart had courage. I mean, I'm ending this year, engaged. What, what!? 

Brayden & I moved into our own place. 

I added a fur baby to my little family (but you already know that) 

Bought a new car. 

Burned quite a few bridges. 

Pushed toxic people out of my life. 

Finally began therapy. 

Became medicated. (Which it isn't working so that'll be addressed at my next appointment) 

Traveled, a LOT. (Like.. Bought my car with 43 miles on it in March, and ending the year with 15,200)

Made new friends. 

Grew as a person. I am not the same person I was at the beginning of this year. 

So it's been a pretty decent year and I'm sad to see it end because....I don't want to get any older, lol. 

Day to day is so routine. But there are so many days when missing Ryan gets the best of me. I'm not sure that that will ever change, but I am learning to accept it. Most of the time those days are angry days and I'm working on just letting myself hurt instead of being angry and mean to everyone around me... I'll get there. It's a 2015 goal. 

I have several goals for this year, and have made several lists. I try to make them realistic and reachable. 

1.) Get a better grip on my anxiety & depression. I've started the process and I just need to continue. 

2.) Don't be so easily angered. If there's one thing that life has undoubtedly flashed in front of my face, it is that I'm NOT in control of everything & once I learn this, things will anger me a lot less. 

3.) Find a house. Simple. As. That. Ha. Simple. 

4.) Lose at least 40 lbs! Y'all, I have a wedding in 2016... I own an elliptical and a treadmill, this should not be hard! 

5.) Wake up earlier! I sleep on Brayden's schedule. Or, he sleeps on mine. I never complain. But I think I want to learn to be a morning person, or give it my best shot! So, 8-9am alarm clock sets I will have! 

6.) Make better efforts at staying in touch with my friends & those that make efforts to stay in touch with me. My grief & anxiety has made me a hermit, and I'm endlessly sorry for that. I'm trying! 

I love you all & am so blessed to have had another year with my "Army"... Thank you so much for being a part of my life! I wish you all the best that 2015 has to offer! 

Xo

Co-sleeping...

Co-sleeping isn't for everyone & there's so many against it... But it is for me & I'm all for it. I don't think that I could live any other way. 

A few weeks ago a friend posted a video link on FB about co-sleeping & why it is bad... Which really hit me in the face and made me truly realize why I co-sleep, still, even though Brayden is 15 months old... 

I'm terrified. 

I am absolutely terrified of putting him into a different room than me & going to sleep. 

Ryan left for England one morning. 

I spoke to him that evening. 

I went to bed. 

Everything was fine. 

I woke up & was being notified that my husband was dead. 

If I never would have let him go. If I would have fought harder to get him off of that TDY. He would still be here. 

I am so incredibly scared of losing my son. 

I am so scared of putting Brayden to bed one night, in his own bed, in his own room, away from me, everything is fine.. & waking up to him gone, too. 

In my mind, keeping him with me and not letting him go, is protecting him. 

Nothing that normal working minds could understand or make sense out of... But that's the way it is. 

I can't lose my son, too. I keep him close to me because I'm terrified. 

One day, this too shall pass......... 

Alcohol

Is the devil. 

Let me tell you that if you think for one second that the bridge being burned between my Mother & I is my fault, then you should probably go ahead & make an exit out of my life as well. Now matter how much she denies it, or anyone else tries to not admit it, my mother is an alcoholic & needs help. When you drink 2-3 1.75L of Jim Beam whiskey a week, you're an alcoholic. 

When I moved back to my parents after Ryan's death & had Brayden, yes, she helped. If I wanted to go get my nails done, or my hair done, or run to the grocery store, she helped. Brayden loved her & would get excited to see her. Much like he does people, now! 

I admit that I did something that I shouldn't have by logging into her Facebook (she had previously given me her password) & reading her messages, but I won't apologize for doing so because I am not sorry that I did. What I AM sorry for, is that I didn't do it sooner. 

Upon reading these messages, my mom said some pretty horrible things about me. But nothing that she really hasn't said about me my entire life...even when i was a child & teenager. I'm a royal bitch, I'm causing problems between her and my father, that I'm lazy, never do anything, she's my maid... She said things like, she loves me but doesn't want me living there... Now, these aren't THAT horrible & it's basically words that I am used to... However, she said these things 6 DAYS after I buried my husband. A time when I needed her more than ever. When instead of bashing & belittling me, she should have been trying to be my mother & being the person I needed and could rely on & trust. 

After I had Brayden, she began to then tell people that I threw Brayden on the bed because he was crying in the middle of the night. Which first, isn't true, but secondly, why would I throw him on the bed? He sleeps with me. Always have. Sooo, he's already in the bed. Before he could roll, if he wouldn't stop crying and I couldn't figure it out, I would leave him on the bed (where he already was!) and walk outside on our front step to sit & cry. There is nothing wrong with what I did and nothing that I would do differently.

She told others that Brayden was fearful of me, that he never wanted me and he would scream & cry when I talked to him. 

Which is hilarious. It got to a point where one of the people she spoke to said "God only knows what she does when you are at work" ...are you kidding? You're right, God does know. He knows I never did anything except take care of my child. The ONLY thing that has kept me alive. Why would I ever, EVER, hurt the one person that keeps me waking up each day? Get. A. Grip. 

I have every screen shot of everything she said, because she doesn't seem to think she has done wrong. It is every bit of my fault because I read her messages. That's something she can't get past. my entire life I have listened to my mother tell me that I was a bitch and a fat ass, that she hated my father and called my father names. I watched her night after night log in to yahoo chat rooms and talk to men, talking shit about my father, me and my brother. Having to leave family Christmas gatherings early to go to the hotel so she could start drinking. Blowing out my birthday candles every year wishing for her to quit drinking. 

As a child/teenager, there was nothing i could do. When Ryan & I married, we told her then that if she wasn't sober she wouldn't be allowed around our child(ren)... After her saying the things she did about me 6 days after burying Ryan and the DAY I gave birth to my child, I cannot forgive her and I can finally say that I did what I wanted to do my entire life. It's the alcohol or your family. I'm tired of being 2nd to Jim Beam. I won't ever EVER let my son think alcohol is more important than he. So instead, I have cut ties completely until she can live a 100% sober life. Mother cannot seem to accept that and instead blames it all on me. Blames me for logging into her Facebook & for calling her Satan. Taking zero responsibility for the things she said. 

If I am the only person that ever holds her responsible for the childish things she has done in her life, I'm okay with that. 

Also, for those of you that keep telling her to sue me for grandparents rights....quit giving her false hope. It would never be beneficial for my child to have a substance abuser in his life, & they don't grant visitation in such case anyway. Instead, how about you stop enabling her & tell her how important it is to be sober, not only for her health but for her loved ones. 

While I love my mom and wish things were different so badly, I won't back down. I deserve better and so does my son. To be honest, everyone she has ever spoke badly about or treated badly because of Jim Beam, deserves better. She knows that all it will take is for her to be 100% sober and she can be in Brayden's life. That ball is not in my court.