What's on my mind today?

My mind is all over the place, all of the time. It races 10 miles a minute, and goes from one topic to the extreme next. I cannot make it stop. 

I (stupidly) just watched a video of the Delta Honor Guard giving a fallen soldier a ramp ceremony. Of course, I balled. 

I keep thinking, was there a video of my husbands when he arrived in Knoxville on delta? 

Was there video from Dover? 

I KNOW there is video footage from the ramp ceremony from Lakenheath, but I still don't have that. When will I? Who knows. Do I want it? Yes! Like, yesterday! 

Then I think... Did the people on the flight know they were escorting my husbands body? Was anyone aware of this? 

Then I think... I hope he was treated good. I hope they really took care of him. 

I don't even want to think about these things, it makes me physically sick to think about Ryan being dead. I'm still in denial. I still try to refuse to believe it. But I just can't keep my mind from racing! 

I still don't even have his cell phone or his wallet. Which were on him. And last I heard, the British transport police had it. Am I ever going to get those? Did they throw them away? I hope not. I want them. 

I hate that these are things that have to be a part of my reality. That these thoughts are not just "what if" thoughts, or off the wall thinking..this is my reality. Why? 

Comforting words...or not

People say things that they hope can give you some sort of comfort. Even if just an ounce. No one says anything with the intentions of hurting. This I know. There aren't always right words. Almost never. There are words that give comfort, but that differs from person to person. My best advice is to let the person know you're thinking about them, and that you're there for them. And to continue to do so AFTER funeral is over, when everyone else seems to have moved on. 

Some things that you might not want to say... 

1.) "You're young, you'll find someone else." - Thanks, but no thanks. I'm young, but I married my soulmate, built a life with him, and had our future planned. I'd really just prefer have him back! 

2.) "You're still here for a reason." - Ok. So, my 25 year old husband no longer had a reason to be here? Not to live out his life with his spouse, not to see his only child be born or help raise him? Not to continue to serve in our Nations Military? No reason? Ok. 

3.) "Only the good die young." - It's iffy! Sometimes it is comforting, and others I just want to scream, "what about the rest of us, asshole?" 

4.) "How are you?" - It is such a hard thing to answer. Every time I am asked, I want to say how big of a basket case that I am, how life seems so meaningless, how I'm NOT okay..but when asked, I feel like I am obligated to just say, "I'm okay." And be done. 

5.) "Was he in Iraq or Afghanistan?" - Well, neither. But does it matter? Just don't. 

6.) "God needed another Angel." Or "he was needed in Heaven." - Why mine? For what? What was he needed for that possibly couldn't wait? 

7.) "Everything happens for a reason." - Goes back to #2. What good reasoning can you give me for this? I mean, let's be real. 

8.) "It was all a part of Gods plan." - Thanks, but this is a terrible f'ing plan!!! 

9.) "At least you have a child by him." - You're right. It is a huge, huge blessing! Without him, I wouldn't have a reason or will to be here! However, it does not make losing my husband any easier and it definitely adds zero light to the situation. For me personally, I feel like it's harder! All that has happened, it's hard for me to grieve. Then, every time I look at my son, I see my husband. And I think about all of the things that he is missing out on, and all of the things my son is missing out on! 

Let me add..

Please do NOT compare your grief/loss to someone else's! Everyone is different. Every situation is different. Every relationship is different. It is incredibly inconsiderate and hurtful! Please don't! 

& lastly, if you say that you're always going to be there... DO. Don't just say this in the heat of the sadness. Truly be there! There's nothing like being lonely and realizing all of these people that said they would be there for you, are not. 

Goodnight. Xo