Already Regretting...

Brayden will be 4 months old in 2 days. How? Some days it feels like yesterday he was 2 weeks old, and some days it feels like he should be 2 years old! 

4 months and I am already having regrets. 

I feel like I have not given him all that I could. I have not given him my undivided attention. 

I have gotten frustrated, angry, impatient, and cried. 

I have had so much grief and depression take over me, that I feel like it has taken away from Brayden. He doesn't deserve that. 

He shouldn't have to see me walk away because I'm frustrated. 

He shouldn't have to see me cry all the time. 

In short, I wish there was a do-over. I wish Ryan weren't gone. But I also wish that I weren't consumed with the amount of emotions that I am, so I would have given Brayden so much more in the last 4 months. 

Why does this have to be my life?

Jealousy...

I try sometimes to hide my feelings. 

Mainly because I don't want people to  be upset at how I feel, or question how I feel, etc. 

But I'm drowning in emotion lately, and I have to get it out. 

Jealousy. 

Mixed with a little bit of anger. 

I am so incredibly jealous of everyone having babies & all the pictures of daddy with baby. 

I am so incredibly angry that those beautiful, heart warming memories were robbed from my son and I. 

My son was robbed of ever getting to be held by his father. He was robbed of the chance to have a picture with his daddy. 

I was robbed of every having the chance to feel overwhelmingly in love with that sight. 

I am so angry that this is my life. That this is my sons life! Why! Why is this the cards I have been dealt!? What did Ryan do to deserve this? What have I done to deserve this? And most importantly, what the hell has my 3.5 month old son done to deserve this? 

Brayden has been robbed of SO MUCH in his life, before he was even born! Why!!! 

Having a child does not make this easier or better. Every time I look at Brayden, I am reminded of all that was taken from him. I am reminded that his father is not here to sulk in how amazing he is. I am reminded that one day, I will have to explain everything to him. I will have to explain to my son that his daddy is dead. 

WHY is this happening! WHEN will I wake up from this nightmare!? I am tired of feeling this way! I have been punished enough for whatever it is that made me deserve this nightmare. So wake me up, and show me it was all a test. 

I'm so jealous! I want to have those feelings of seeing Ryan with Brayden. I want Brayden to have his father around. I hate seeing everyone else's happiness! It makes me so sick to my stomach!