I just don't care...

I just don't want to be here most days. 

Waking up is a struggle. 

Caring about anything except my son, is non existent. 

Every breath hurts. 

Every smile is forced. 

It's so hard to put my feet on the floor and get up. 

Knowing I will never hear your voice. Look you in the eye. Be amazed by your smile. Be held in your arms. Kissed on my forehead. Argue over the stupidest things. Eat your amazing cooking. Drink a glass of wine with you. 

Nothing. 

It's all over. 

It's all a memory now. 

Why do I have to go through this? Seriously. It isn't fair. 

No. 

It's real. 

You're real.

Our love is real. 

It will never end. 

Never. 

 You made me who I am. 

I can never let that go.

Death ended your life. 

Not our relationship. 

The Social Security paperwork says..."this marriage was ended by death on August 6, 2013." 

Wrong. 

My marriage did not end. 

I am still and always will be your wife. 

You were married to me all of your life. 

And I will be married to you all of mine. 

I love you more than my words could ever express. More than the Heavens could ever tell. Our love is eternal. 

I just want to be able to breath again. I want to not always feel like I'm going to throw up. Like there's a knot in my throat. I don't want my chin to quiver when I'm trying not to cry. I'm going to break. I can't bend anymore. I have met the end of my strength. I want to give up. 

Help me. Please. Help me hold my head above the water. 

I love you, Scooby. & I miss you quite terribly. 

 

Oh...Holidays Schmolidays....

I don't even know where to begin. 

I have slacked so much on writing. 

But what do you say that you haven't said before? I hate this life. What more could be said? 

I'll start with good news. 

Mine & Ryan's belongings have finally made it stateside! After 4 months! Now to just get it transferred from Virginia to Kentucky! 

Brayden will be 3 months old on Friday. 

I feel like the last 4 months since Ryan's death have gone by so much faster than his deployment did. I mean, really. 

Still don't have Ryan's headstone crap straightened out with the VA. They have come to not be my friends. They still have not responded to my cries for counseling. Whatever. 

This would have been our 8th Christmas together. Holidays are hard. 

December 5th was our anniversary. Our 7th anniversary of being together as well as our 4th married anniversary. 

 I did make the 4 hour drive down to visit with him. Being there just makes me soul feel at ease. I wish I could build a house right there. It was also Brayden's second time being there. I will ALWAYS take him there. We will always take photos of him growing up & visiting his dad & grandma. 

I've has rough days and I have had okay days. I'm never happy. Some days I am just a little less sad than others. 

2006-2009 our Christmas's were in NC. 

Our first Christmas on our own was in Nebraska in 2010. 

2011, we spent Christmas apart as he was deployed. 

2012, we spent Christmas in Germany! 

& now I'm back to doing this on my own.

It's going to be so hard. I want our tree. I want our ornaments. I want our stockings & our decorations. I want him to help me put the lights on the tree because I suck at it. I don't have a clue how I'm supposed to do this on my own. 

For more challenging days.. I am heading to North Carolina after Christmas to spend a few days with his dad and his dad's side of the family. 

Ryan and I moved out there together and lived in that house for a year. This trip, I honestly dread! I don't know how I'm going to do this road trip without him. We were the best pair for road trips! Now I'm doing it alone, with our 3 month old son. 

And then to be in that house, sleep in that house, without him. Ugh. Pray for me! 

I cannot even tell you what I would give to have Ryan back. For my son to be able to meet his father. I just want to see the look on Ryan's face. I want to hear what he would say to his son. 

Here's our first Family photo: 

Merry Christmas, readers! Thank you for all of your endless support, love, thoughts & prayers. You are appreciated more than I could write about! 

Daily Thoughts

I wish my mind wasn't a tornado of thoughts.  And I mean that quite literally. 

My mind constantly throws thoughts In every direction, every topic. So I'm gonna begin this post in the morning and I'm going to jot some of my thoughts down throughout the day. 

We will start with... I hate life. 

- Why do I have to eat and drink when Ryan can never eat and drink again? 

- I'm going to kill these dogs! 

- We have the lost beautiful son, ever. 

- why can't I allow myself to cry? Why do I feel like I have to be strong? I'm a mess. My heart is broken. My heart is empty. My head is inhabitable. Why do I pretend? 

- going to North Carolina is going to be a huge struggle and i don't know if I'm going to be able to get through it. 

- why would a "loving" God have such awful, horrific plans? 

-homecomings are stupid. They're just reminders that my husband came home in a casket. 

-i have horrible thoughts that I'm not sure i truly mean, maybe it's just the emotions speaking. 

-why has my stuff still not made it to the states? 

-I'd like to have just one more day with Ryan. With the baby. I want to see him interact with the baby so bad. It was probably the one thing I was most excited about with having a baby. I wanted to see how he reacted to the baby, and how he interacted. Life is stupid. 

-I'm tired and have a headache but I can't stop my mind. 

-was it really instantaneous for Ryan? I hope he didn't feel anything or lay there and suffer. 

-I don't know if I will ever know the truth.

-if people can taxidermy animals, why can't i do that to ryan? Why am I weird? 

-I need to be around the life and things that Ryan & I built together to feel a little calmer and at peace. 

-why do papers have you mark your marital status? It's a painful reminder. Thanks. 

-I hope Ryan is proud of me. (On a side note, I think of Ryan constantly. He never ever leaves my mind. Not even for a second. I always wonder of Ryan would get mad at something im doing, or how he would act towards something, what he would do, etc..)

-I hope he is in love with Brayden. I can't wait to tell Brayden all about him! 

-When will I feel a little less miserable? 

-I hate that people take for granted so much. 

-I hate reading your love statuses. But I don't really hate it. But I do. :/ 

-I want to scream at everyone. 

-I wish I could cook for Ryan again. Or that I had the motivation to cook again, period. 

-my room is a disaster. But trying to throw a ton of stuff from MY house and mine & Ryan's things into 1 small room is so hard. In addition to everything I've gained since his dead. Paperwork, donations, gifts. My room is more of a storage room. I don't even sleep in there! 

I'm done. I've rambled enough. 

Introducing...

I feel like I need to introduce Brayden. 

I've introduced myself. 

I've exposed my hurt. 

I've given the most painful details of my life. 

So, let me introduce to you my savior. If it wasn't for him, I don't know that i would still be alive. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't get out of bed everyday. I wouldn't care about a thing. At only 10 weeks old, this boy has saved me. He has saved me since before he was born. He is my hero. I hope one day I can make that known to him. 

Ryan was a hero, Ryan was my hero in more ways than I can explain. Brayden is already following in his daddy's footsteps. 

On September 20, 2013 at 12:18am I delivered Brayden Ryan Kaine Austin via c-section. Exactly 1 month after I laid Ryan to rest.  Ryan was definitely with me. 

He was born 8 lbs 9 oz and 20" long. 

Red hair. 

Beautiful Blue eyes. 

& looks just like his father. 

No, having Brayden does not make losing my husband any easier. No, it doesn't change anything. He simply has saved me, and given me a reason to continue living. 

I hope I can raise Brayden to be half the man that Ryan's mother raised him to be. I don't look forward it doing this alone, but I look forward to watching our son grow. 

Enjoy some pictures.