Reflecting...

It has been a while since I have just sat and really reflected on things. I think about it everyday. How could I not? I go to sleep with the same thought every night, and wake up to the same reality every day. So it's there. It's just time for a bit more. 

In just 2 quick months, I'll hit my 3 year mark. 3 years since I was 24. 3 years since I was 33 weeks pregnant. 3 years since I became a widow. 3 years since the best man that I have ever known, left. For good. Although the years have gone quickly, days have been long. It sometimes feels like just yesterday that I saw him. And some days, I have to shake my mind from thinking he may just come home one day. 

I will hit my 3 year mark, which will essentially change my status with TriCare to "retiree" instead of my newly widowed status. 

I have had many ups, and many more downs. I have watched people I never thought would leave, leave. I have screamed, cried, cursed and been angry. I have been happy. I have been used, and taken advantage of. I have been stupid. And I have grown. I feel like I have infinite strength, yet am so weak and empty.  

I have watched my beautiful 8 lb 9 oz baby boy grow into this incredible toddler. (how is he almost 3?) I am so blessed to have him. I get overwhelmed at times, frustrated, and angry, but I could never do this life without Brayden. 

It still hurts to see fathers with their kids, families that are seemingly "whole".. It still hurts that I am doing this all alone. But this is my life now. And I have to make the best of it. I have to be happy. I have to give Brayden more. He is my life's work. 

I have tortured myself and my mind. I have damn near given up many times. But it won't happen. You will never see me give up. Brayden will never see me give up. 

I have talked to Brayden about his daddy being dead. He doesn't understand. He's only 2.5. "Why did my daddy died?" Is a question that he asked me a few days ago... I'm not ready to answer these kinds of questions. "I don't know." Was the best that I could give him on a whim. 

He will point to the ground at Ryan's grave and tell you his daddy is under there. He can tell you his daddy is in Heaven. And he has grown completely attached to his Dada doll. 

There are so many incredible people that have came into my life since August 6, 2013. Nearly 3 years later, I am in awe of how many of those people, that said they would always be there for me and for Brayden, are still there. People that are genuine are so very hard to come by. How I managed to get the best of them, I'm not sure. I'll never be able to meet them all in person, put into words how grateful for them I am, or thank them all enough. But my heart holds so much love for so many people. 

To all of you, I love you. I love you so much more than words could convey. I appreciate you. I am so incredibly grateful for you. Thank you. For pushing me, for reassuring me, for supporting me. 

Beautiful things are happening. I am happy, but I have my days. My moments. My nights. But they do not consume me any longer. I miss the shit out of Ryan. And I would give everything in life to have him back. But that isn't how life works. All I can do is continue on the best that I know how. 

There's so much more I could say.. But I jump around too much. So this is it. & this is life.... <3 

Legacies

As long as your name is spoken, your memories are shared & remembered, your legacy can never be forgotten. It does not die. 

Today I listened to a story on the news about a grieving son, who was fearful of a rumor about how his mother died, would tarnish her beautiful legacy. The murderer first tried to state that she died during consensual sex. She was actually suffocated, but that is not what matters in this specific instance. 

It triggered me. It has been 2 years & 5.5 months since Ryan left this Earth. Almost 2.5 years ago, I lost the man that I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. My son lost the chance to ever meet his father. Ryan's father, lost the will to live. Ryan's brother, lost his older brother. For 2.5 years, I have left out details of my husbands death, in fear it would change how people saw his death. In fear that his legacy would be...tarnished. 

Hearing that on TV today, was such a smack in the face and an eye opener for me. HOW someone dies should not change the way someone views that person, and should not make their death any less of a tragedy. But before I go further... If you are one of those that hear about someone dying and your first instinct is to be nosey, "what happened?" "how?" .... CHECK. YOURSELF. And don't do it again! Condolences are not conditional. Give your condolences and move on. Eventually, questions will be answered. Trust and believe that. 

Okay. Now for the details I would love to never speak of again. 

Ryan was electrocuted on live rail tracks at a train station in the overnight hours/early morning hours of 6 August 2013, in Maidstone, UK. They (him & the 2 he was with) had just left Bar Chocolate. They were stopping overnight on their way to Mildenhall AFB for a TDY. 

I will never have all of the information that I would like, and i will never believe all of the information that I have been given. 

I have learned to accept that. 

Ryan had a high blood alcohol level. 

He was drunk. He was under the influence when he died......The hurt in my heart typing this out, putting this out there......But I need to do it. He wasn't acting out, goofing off, doing drugs, being ignorant... He was having new drinks in another country with his co-workers. His decision to cross the rail tracks wasn't a good decision, but it is what it is. It cannot be changed now. The answer to the question, "why?" will never be answered. I have also accepted this. 

Do I believe that alcohol was the direct factor in his death? No. Absolutely not. 

But It obviously played a role. 

I am tired of feeling ashamed that he had been drinking and then died. The man loved to travel. He loved to explore. Try new things. He was curious. But always, ALWAYS level headed. 

I am tired of being fearful that other people will dismiss his death, because of the alcohol. When in reality, it wasn't who he was AND "other peoples'" opinions do not matter. 

Ryan was an amazing man. He was a truly wonderful husband, son, brother, cousin, friend... He was an amazing Airman. He loved life. He loved his career. He loved his family. He loved his unborn child (he didn't know it was a boy) and was so excited to be surprised. He would do anything for anyone. He wanted so much out of life, for himself, for me, for his child... He wanted to see everyone around him succeed. He didn't cuss. He didn't smoke. Never did drugs. Worked hard to be healthy. Helped anyone who needed it. Ryan made mistakes like every single one of us. He was perfect in all of his flaws. A good man, with a good heart. Mistakes do not define who you are. The good, the happy, the fun, quiet, silly memories, far outweigh the alcohol he drank that night. He left behind an incredible legacy, and I will continue to honor him & everything he was.

My decision to make this blog isn't with intentions of hurting anyone, or really isn't even for anyone other than myself. 

I am tired of feeling ashamed when I shouldn't feel that way at all. I'm tired of feeling like I'm lying about it to everyone, because then I feel again, ashamed. A vicious circle. The only way to finally end that for me, is to be honest. And still have every ounce of pride for my husband and his life.