I just don't care...

I just don't want to be here most days. 

Waking up is a struggle. 

Caring about anything except my son, is non existent. 

Every breath hurts. 

Every smile is forced. 

It's so hard to put my feet on the floor and get up. 

Knowing I will never hear your voice. Look you in the eye. Be amazed by your smile. Be held in your arms. Kissed on my forehead. Argue over the stupidest things. Eat your amazing cooking. Drink a glass of wine with you. 

Nothing. 

It's all over. 

It's all a memory now. 

Why do I have to go through this? Seriously. It isn't fair. 

No. 

It's real. 

You're real.

Our love is real. 

It will never end. 

Never. 

 You made me who I am. 

I can never let that go.

Death ended your life. 

Not our relationship. 

The Social Security paperwork says..."this marriage was ended by death on August 6, 2013." 

Wrong. 

My marriage did not end. 

I am still and always will be your wife. 

You were married to me all of your life. 

And I will be married to you all of mine. 

I love you more than my words could ever express. More than the Heavens could ever tell. Our love is eternal. 

I just want to be able to breath again. I want to not always feel like I'm going to throw up. Like there's a knot in my throat. I don't want my chin to quiver when I'm trying not to cry. I'm going to break. I can't bend anymore. I have met the end of my strength. I want to give up. 

Help me. Please. Help me hold my head above the water. 

I love you, Scooby. & I miss you quite terribly. 

 

Oh...Holidays Schmolidays....

I don't even know where to begin. 

I have slacked so much on writing. 

But what do you say that you haven't said before? I hate this life. What more could be said? 

I'll start with good news. 

Mine & Ryan's belongings have finally made it stateside! After 4 months! Now to just get it transferred from Virginia to Kentucky! 

Brayden will be 3 months old on Friday. 

I feel like the last 4 months since Ryan's death have gone by so much faster than his deployment did. I mean, really. 

Still don't have Ryan's headstone crap straightened out with the VA. They have come to not be my friends. They still have not responded to my cries for counseling. Whatever. 

This would have been our 8th Christmas together. Holidays are hard. 

December 5th was our anniversary. Our 7th anniversary of being together as well as our 4th married anniversary. 

 I did make the 4 hour drive down to visit with him. Being there just makes me soul feel at ease. I wish I could build a house right there. It was also Brayden's second time being there. I will ALWAYS take him there. We will always take photos of him growing up & visiting his dad & grandma. 

I've has rough days and I have had okay days. I'm never happy. Some days I am just a little less sad than others. 

2006-2009 our Christmas's were in NC. 

Our first Christmas on our own was in Nebraska in 2010. 

2011, we spent Christmas apart as he was deployed. 

2012, we spent Christmas in Germany! 

& now I'm back to doing this on my own.

It's going to be so hard. I want our tree. I want our ornaments. I want our stockings & our decorations. I want him to help me put the lights on the tree because I suck at it. I don't have a clue how I'm supposed to do this on my own. 

For more challenging days.. I am heading to North Carolina after Christmas to spend a few days with his dad and his dad's side of the family. 

Ryan and I moved out there together and lived in that house for a year. This trip, I honestly dread! I don't know how I'm going to do this road trip without him. We were the best pair for road trips! Now I'm doing it alone, with our 3 month old son. 

And then to be in that house, sleep in that house, without him. Ugh. Pray for me! 

I cannot even tell you what I would give to have Ryan back. For my son to be able to meet his father. I just want to see the look on Ryan's face. I want to hear what he would say to his son. 

Here's our first Family photo: 

Merry Christmas, readers! Thank you for all of your endless support, love, thoughts & prayers. You are appreciated more than I could write about! 

Daily Thoughts

I wish my mind wasn't a tornado of thoughts.  And I mean that quite literally. 

My mind constantly throws thoughts In every direction, every topic. So I'm gonna begin this post in the morning and I'm going to jot some of my thoughts down throughout the day. 

We will start with... I hate life. 

- Why do I have to eat and drink when Ryan can never eat and drink again? 

- I'm going to kill these dogs! 

- We have the lost beautiful son, ever. 

- why can't I allow myself to cry? Why do I feel like I have to be strong? I'm a mess. My heart is broken. My heart is empty. My head is inhabitable. Why do I pretend? 

- going to North Carolina is going to be a huge struggle and i don't know if I'm going to be able to get through it. 

- why would a "loving" God have such awful, horrific plans? 

-homecomings are stupid. They're just reminders that my husband came home in a casket. 

-i have horrible thoughts that I'm not sure i truly mean, maybe it's just the emotions speaking. 

-why has my stuff still not made it to the states? 

-I'd like to have just one more day with Ryan. With the baby. I want to see him interact with the baby so bad. It was probably the one thing I was most excited about with having a baby. I wanted to see how he reacted to the baby, and how he interacted. Life is stupid. 

-I'm tired and have a headache but I can't stop my mind. 

-was it really instantaneous for Ryan? I hope he didn't feel anything or lay there and suffer. 

-I don't know if I will ever know the truth.

-if people can taxidermy animals, why can't i do that to ryan? Why am I weird? 

-I need to be around the life and things that Ryan & I built together to feel a little calmer and at peace. 

-why do papers have you mark your marital status? It's a painful reminder. Thanks. 

-I hope Ryan is proud of me. (On a side note, I think of Ryan constantly. He never ever leaves my mind. Not even for a second. I always wonder of Ryan would get mad at something im doing, or how he would act towards something, what he would do, etc..)

-I hope he is in love with Brayden. I can't wait to tell Brayden all about him! 

-When will I feel a little less miserable? 

-I hate that people take for granted so much. 

-I hate reading your love statuses. But I don't really hate it. But I do. :/ 

-I want to scream at everyone. 

-I wish I could cook for Ryan again. Or that I had the motivation to cook again, period. 

-my room is a disaster. But trying to throw a ton of stuff from MY house and mine & Ryan's things into 1 small room is so hard. In addition to everything I've gained since his dead. Paperwork, donations, gifts. My room is more of a storage room. I don't even sleep in there! 

I'm done. I've rambled enough. 

Introducing...

I feel like I need to introduce Brayden. 

I've introduced myself. 

I've exposed my hurt. 

I've given the most painful details of my life. 

So, let me introduce to you my savior. If it wasn't for him, I don't know that i would still be alive. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't get out of bed everyday. I wouldn't care about a thing. At only 10 weeks old, this boy has saved me. He has saved me since before he was born. He is my hero. I hope one day I can make that known to him. 

Ryan was a hero, Ryan was my hero in more ways than I can explain. Brayden is already following in his daddy's footsteps. 

On September 20, 2013 at 12:18am I delivered Brayden Ryan Kaine Austin via c-section. Exactly 1 month after I laid Ryan to rest.  Ryan was definitely with me. 

He was born 8 lbs 9 oz and 20" long. 

Red hair. 

Beautiful Blue eyes. 

& looks just like his father. 

No, having Brayden does not make losing my husband any easier. No, it doesn't change anything. He simply has saved me, and given me a reason to continue living. 

I hope I can raise Brayden to be half the man that Ryan's mother raised him to be. I don't look forward it doing this alone, but I look forward to watching our son grow. 

Enjoy some pictures. 

No title, just writing...

On the night of your visitation, it was incredibly busy. There were so many people. They filled the entire guest book!

As stated in my other writing, your wishes were to have a closed casket. I did just that. I don't think it made all of your family happy, but it's about what you wanted. You didn't look like you, at all, to me anyway..so I don't think they wanted to see you.

Anyway. So many people came! There were fire trucks surrounding the funeral home just in case WBC decided to show up. One of the fire trucks was flying a huge flag. The Patriot Riders were posted up all around the funeral home. They also escorted you from Knoxville all the way to the funeral home. Everyone was so wonderful. Secretary's from political office's came to deliver me letters, Blue Star Mother's came, lots of your Offutt family came! Major C flew in from Germany..MSgt. B came, which was a surprise but was incredibly touching! It was quite overwhelming. I even tried to hide in the back, several times. But people kept finding me back there, so there was no point to keep trying. I talked to so many people, and honestly, I don't remember who I talked to and who just showed up. People introducing themselves to me who had gone to church with you when you were little, neighbors, family of family, friends of friends...It was just incredible and overwhelming. It was very humbling to know how many lives that you have touched. I knew you were amazing, but everyone else knew it too. And I was shown that this night and the day of your burial. I even tried to bring the dogs in to "visit" you, but they wouldn't allow it. They were your babies! And I was determined for them to get to visit you one last time...

So many people from your military career, coined you. Left coins to be put with you. Y even left his cable tools! His leatherman, snips and blade. TSgt. L & MSgt B left their coins that had been engraved with their names on them, even. So instead of me just sitting this huge bag of coins in there with you, and being done with it...I asked Major C to coin you. You took pride in  being coined, and being coined by commanders, so I felt it would mean more if your commander coined you. He took 2 coins out of the back, the squadron coin, and the Cable Dawg coin (I believe just those 2.) - And what happens next, I wish more than anything I would have videoed. (I think that's frowned upon, though.)

Major C stepped up to you, lifted your service jacket, found the pocket, and with his left hand placed the 2 coins inside the pocket inside your service jacket. He fixed the jacket back straight. He then placed the entire back of coins by your legs. He stood up straight, & raised his hand to his forehead, for a perfect salute. At this point...I was balling. (And am again now..) He stepped back (all in military marching style!), did a full turn and stepped back to the front row of seating. This is when I asked them to go ahead and close the casket. While they closed the casket, and fixed the flag over it....Major C stood there and saluted the entire time. It really was touching, and it wasn't what I expected in asking Major C to coin you, but it was beautiful and heartfelt.

I was the first one to see you that day, and I was the last one to leave you that night. I wish I never would have had to leave you. I wish they would have let me lay down right there beside you, and sleep next to you just one more time.

The following day, I was again the first one inside. Before the service began, I walked behind your casket, and sat on the step next to the podium where no one could see me. I sat there with my hand up under the flag, on the casket, and my  head leaning on the casket and just cried. I wasn't ready for this. I wasn't ready to take you to your final resting place, where I truly would never be able to physically touch you, or see you again. I didn't want to. I wanted to keep you. No one would let me. Something about it being morbid and illegal. Whatever. I wanted to anyway! When the music started playing, that was my cue that it was starting and I needed to get up and be seated. So I lifted the flag a little more, and kissed the casket. And this is where the flag started slipping off the front side of the casket, I grabbed it as quickly as possible with both hands. I was assured by your cousin, that it never touched the ground. Thank goodness. Can you imagine how embarrassing that was when I stood up, and the entire room was full? When I sat down back there, it was empty! That was almost a disaster.

The service was beautiful. I didn't plan it. I told D to do whatever he felt. I'd never planned a funeral, I'd never even thought about it. So, he did. Songs were sung. D's preaching was amazing. And I even asked Major C to speak. Most of the people there had not seen/been around you since HS, and I wanted everyone to get a glimpse at how you've grown. At your career. At the kind of man you became. Major C was able to make that very clear to everyone. My, oh my, how amazing you are! At the end, ALL of the Patriot Guard Riders lined up in couples and came down the aisle...Stepping up to your casket. If they were prior military, they saluted you. If they were not, they stood their with their hand across their heart. That is something else I wish I would have videoed. It was so very beautiful. This went on for about 5 minutes, until each and every last one of them stepped up to bid their last farewell, to you.

The procession line to Harlan was over a mile long. At one point, about 2 miles. So many police cars, Patriot Guard Riders... Going into Harlan was a sight that I will never forget. A feeling that I will never forget. A truly, truly humbling experience that made everyone cry. People were lined up on the roads, of all ages. Waving American flags. Holding signs saying "We love you Ryan!" or "Thank you for your service" - These people did not know you! Businesses must have put their businesses on hold, because employees were standing alongside the road. Saluting, hand over their heart, waving, holding a flag...Something. Nurses in scrubs outside the hospital, Walmart employees, Long John Silver employees..Those are the ones that still out to me at the moment. The Challenge Academy men/women were lined up, stood there saluting as we drove by. I read an article where someone said.. "It was a breathtaking and remarkable thing to see. Literally hundreds of folks stopped dead in traffic or lining the route, standing at attention and many waving the American flag."

It was overwhelming. Breathtaking. Amazing. Beautiful. Honorable. There was so much respect, and gratitude.

Once we got there, and everything was over....All I could do was sit on the ground next to you, and lean on you. I was not ready. I still am not. I still want to dig you up and keep you. See you again. Touch you again. I'm not okay with any of this. I am not okay with what I had to do. I miss you. I need you. I want you back. This is not the way we planned our future. This is not the way we planned having a baby together. This is not how it was supposed to be, and it is definitely not what you deserved. What I deserved or what your son deserved!

Procession Video I found on Youtube...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9gh2jKknRxo&feature=youtu.be

#1 - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a6y3QDjZV64

#2 - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tjnXhoKUQiA

 YES. The flag is backwards in this picture, it was corrected & fixed, but someone took this picture before it was fixed. The funeral home is at fault on this one!

3 months..

It has been 3 months.
3 months since my life dropped into the pits of Hell.

It has me thinking about the first day. It has me thinking about the 19th and the 20th. The days of your services.

I remember walking into the funeral home after you arrived there, and getting to see you for the first time. I remember walking in through the doors, turning my head to left, saw you at the end of the aisle, and just lost it. Thank goodness my Mom and C were there. I felt regret at first. Regretting that I chose to see you. I had doubts. Doubts that I would be able to walk down the aisle and see you up close. I didn't think I'd be able to even look your way again. But, I needed to. I mustered up, and slowly, depressingly walked down the empty room. Just staring at you. I was being held by my mom and C. I had no idea what I was doing. I had no idea why I was doing this. I didn't understand then, and I don't understand now. It was your wishes for your casket to be closed. I honored those wishes. I think it made some family not so happy. But they were your wishes. I had to see you. There was no doubt about that. I thought it would make this more real. It didn't. I stood over you, and shook my head. All I could say was, "this doesn't even look like him. At all. This isn't him."

I have so many issues with how you looked, but I didn't speak up. Talk about regretting that now. I wish I could have them dig you up, and fix it. But, I can't.

Anyway.. All I could do was stand over you. Cry. Deny. I was so scared. I have never dealt with death. I have everyone in my family. I was in the room with you when your mom died in your arms. That is the only death I have ever went through. I go from having everyone, to the first person I lose being my spouse. Why is that fair? Why is that the life that I have to live?

Your left eye wasn't closed all the way. You couldn't see your eyeball, but you could see the lining of the eyelid. And it irritated me. I should have had them fix it...But I didn't.
They had your blues shirt & jacket all the way up to your chin almost. You couldn't see any part of your neck at all. I wish I had them fix it...
They had so much make up on you! You looked airbrushed. You looked like a doll. Your skin was never that smooth. You shaved every single day, and still yet, your skin was not that smooth. And you hadn't shaved in ALMOST 24 hours, your face would have definitely had stubbles! I should have told them to just leave the make up off of you. So I could see YOU. You didn't need to be spiffed up. You were perfect in your natural state. I regret this. It's part of the reason you didn't look like you at all. I have never seen your face not only so smooth, but so pale. I'll definitely be putting in my wishes that I want no make up.
Your lips just weren't normal. Ugh, I hate it.

Your head had staples in it from the autopsy in England. It caught me off guard, because I wasn't told about it, and I spotted it. It broke my heart to see you that way.

The only thing I could do was rub your hair. Kiss your forehead. I tasted the make up. I felt how hard you were. But your hair, your hair was still the same. It was still as short as it normally was. It hadn't grown since I last saw you. I could still see the freckle on your nose that you hated so much. I held your hand. It was swollen. It was hard. But you had those gloves on. I wish I would have asked them to take your gloves OFF. You'd never had them, worn them. They weren't yours. I wanted to touch your hand. I want to see your hands. Why did I not speak up? Why did I allow myself to walk away with regrets?

I think so much about these days...I think so much about the accident happening. So many what ifs? SO many questions. What was going through your mind when you were falling? Did you know you were about to be electrocuted? Did you know you were about to die? Were you scared? Did you have any pain at all? Lord I hope not. My mind never stops running. It's constantly stuck on you. I don't mind thinking about you all the time. It keeps my heart happy. To know that my love for you will forever go on. But, it hurts so bad to think of all the things that I will never know.

I love you so much, Ryan. Infinitely Eternally. I am yours. You are mine. That will never change. I hope you are proud of me as a new mother. I hope you are proud of the perfect son that you have! You will meet him someday. And I will see you, again. This is NOT where it ends. Remember...Til death do us part is for quitters! I miss you. Always.

I'll leave you with this photo. This is when you came home from work to tell me that you made Staff. <3 You were so excited, and for once, so very proud of yourself. I love you!!!

Let's skip it!

It's that date again.. The one that will happen every month.. That I wish never existed. That I wish never happened.

Tomorrow makes 3 months.
N said there is no longer a "6th" that it is now the "5.5" NICE. That's what I am going to start using, then!

I could also do with skipping over the 12th, and the 20th. But, I'll be okay with dropping the 6th of every month.

How has it been 3 months?

I know this is short, but I have plenty more to write later. So for now...


this is life!

God's Entertainment

I think the last 3 months of my life wouldn't have been as bad without my husband. But God took my husband from me, and then proceeds to make a huge joke our of my daily life. I feel like God is watching my life on Comedy Central. Only, it isn't funny at all. But, all I want to do is laugh, cry, scream.

I have had issues with nearly EVERY single aspect of dealing with Ryan's death. Will it ever end? I mean, really?

In the beginning, I had issues with the bank locking me out of our bank account although I was on the account! Now, it wasn't even logical! They locked me from DEPOSITING money. But I could withdrawal every single penny! What sense does that make? They locked me from paying our $70 credit card bill when I tried paying it. What!? And then they locked me from logging into the account online. Dumb!

I haven't had issues with AT&T, per say, but it's quite ridiculous! I am somehow, not an authorized user on the account but his brother, who no longer even has a line on our account, is? So, I was able to unsuspend our account, and I can pay for it every month, but I can't do anything else. I cannot change the address, transfer it into my name, nothing! I've been paying for Ryan's phone as well now for almost 3 months, and they told me that even once they receive the Death Certificate it's like another 4+ month process to get his name off of it. WHAT!? And I have to pay for this the entire time!?! Yes! Are you kidding me??? My husband had the career. I did not. There is no monthly income. Are they stupid? YES!

Everywhere, everything, everyone wants a death certificate to do anything. Well, I cannot be issued a death certificate until the investigation closes. And guess what? 2 out of 3 investigations are still open. I don't see me getting a death certificate any time soon!

There have been so many issues come up, that I have luckily been able to fix..

Received our car stateside, finally. Registration with my name on it was well as Ryan's, was missing. It was completely accidental, but still stressful. I had a Report of Casualty, Customs paperwork, registration with the prior owners name, and the bill of sale. The report of casualty had my name on it, THANK GOD. I sat at the DMV for almost 4 hours, with a newborn might I add, while waiting to see if they would accept that paperwork and let me title the car. After forever, they did. And I was able to register, title & tag the car.
THEN, I sat there longer because the Revenue wanted to charge me full retail price as if I was buying the car from Ryan. WHAT? I didn't BUY the car from Ryan! He was my husband! He died! But they would NOT budge. At. ALL. I had to pay $400 to title the car. Take a minute to laugh at that.

Getting my Driver's license renewed. I already had a KY license. But I needed to renew them, and change the address on them. They would NOT let me change the address without a piece of mail, postage paid, with my name and address on it. Seriously? Lol. I have had mail coming to this house for 7 years, I have not lived here in 7 years! I have mail that probably still goes to Texas, Nebraska, North Carolina, Germany...all in my name, but I don't live there. What does that prove?? Please explain that to me! So, I had to leave and come home, grabbed a sympathy card and took it back. I mean, because getting a card in the mail proves, and verifies that I live at that address, right? Take a minute to laugh at that.

Quick instances; I had gotten a letter for a refusal to pay for his headstone because they wanted a discharge paper, lots of the benefit paperwork that was completed in Germany is coming back to me and needing re-done.. I didn't want to do it then because it meant my husband was dead, and I didn't. All I did was sign papers, and they took care of the rest. And now it's all coming back! I don't want to do it now because it means the same thing. I'm not lazy, or relying on other people, but I don't want to do it! I don't want to read the papers. I just don't. I have gotten 3 benefit papers back, and the headstone issue.

The fact that I had to deliver my child without my husband, not even just without my husband, but the fact that my husband had died a month earlier. THEN, having to do the one thing I didn't want to..Have a c-section.

Getting Ryan's belongings in pieces, is.killing.me! It is no one's fault that it is coming the way it is, but having to go through it, and then wait...and go through more, and wait...it's killing me. I received his things that he took with him to England about 2 weeks ago.. I didn't even go through his suit case, it's in the garage. I really just cannot do it. Still waiting on his wallet and cell phone though. That's still in England. Once they release it, it will go to Germany. And then to me. I'm not sure what his cell phone & wallet are providing for the investigation, but OK.

My things are being stored in Virginia. Why? I guess because that's where the port is. It's 10 hours from me. I have stuff in there that I want/need. I came to the states with maternity clothes. 2 pairs of flip flops & a pair of slippers. I was under the impression my things would be close to me. It isn't even getting to VA until the end of November. And then I have to use my 1 time military move for it to be moved closer to me, because you know.. I need my clothes and things!

I've had numerous issues with insurance, medical insurance wise AND health insurance.
Trouble with getting my meds filled because no where wants to accept Tricare, Doctors forgetting to sign the script...etc.
My case worker AND my casualty officer were both furloughed throughout the government shut down, so I had to wait for any questions or concerns..

There have been other issues that I have run into, that I don't want to write about because I don't want anyone to think I am blaming them, because I know it is not their fault..I also am drawing a blank past all of this... But there's more. So much more. It's something new every day. If not every day, at least every other day. I'm really just not sure when any of it will end. Please, PLEASE, cancel my show on Comedy Central, and let me grieve. Or give me my husband back! There's the only 2 options!

Running 4 Ryan

Ryan and I have came into contact with some wonderfully amazing people in the last 7 years of our life together. Even more so, the last 3.5 years of his Military Career. He has had amazing leadership, mentors, co-workers and friends/brothers&sisters!

One in particular, his first Squadron Commander at Kapaun in Germany. Major Freeman is one amazing leader! Ryan always had good things to say about her. We even talked about her Dragon shirt, and that she was the Lady Dragon!

Major Freeman created a group on Facebook titled "R4R" meaning Running for Ryan...She knew, as we all know, that Ryan loved to run. And one of his dreams/goals was to run a marathon, run in races in big cities, run fun runs, run in Ireland, in England, in Spain..He wanted to participate in all of them. Unfortunately, he didn't get to complete one.

A few weeks before his death, he ran in the Viking Challenge on Vogelweh in Germany. It was a 24 hour run with proceeds going to the Fischer House. Ryan completed 22 miles while there, and was mildly upset at himself for not being able to continue to reach that marathon mileage.

To participate & honor Ryan, simply write "R4R" on your race bib & post in the group the city, distance & anything else you'd like to post about the race. ALL distances are welcomed, and encouraged!

Here's the link to the OPEN group:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/203107656535005/

In the group, I shared this: 

"In hopes he can encourage some of you... 

On Sept. 7, 2012, Ryan & I ran our first actual 5k. (Of course Ryan had ran them all the time.. Once even 15 miles when he was deployed!) 

We ran the Omaha Midnight Run. 

Ryan completed the run 88th out of 1,234 (and was not pleased!) completing it in 22:12. 

Once he completed, he turned around to find me, & ran alongside me, encouraging me, pushing me and finished the race a 2nd time...with me. 

Ryan wanted to run everywhere! He wanted to run marathons everywhere! Big cities, countries, and for all reasons."

I miss you so much, Ryan. & I love you, infinitely. 

My Strength...

My strength comes from him...

And him... 

And YOU. In the last week, I have received 2 pieces of mail from YOU.
Now, I have received LOTS of mail, cards, & messages and I appreciate them all. They ALL stick in the front of my mind. But, I want to start to really thank you. I want you to really know that I really do appreciate everything, and I want you to know that YOU are my strength.

I won't post names just in case, but I will initial! Both pieces of mail came enclosed with a card, and a gift for Brayden & myself.

"Courage. Hope. Strength. As you face one day at a time.

Jessica, 

         You have been a pillar of strength and truly an inspiration during this time. You have taught me to cherish every moment, good & bad, never take anything for granted and to take a lot of pictures. You have taught me to love my husband again and made me love him more. Not a day goes by that you don't cross my mind. You are always in my prayers. I am so happy you have Brayden and you will be a fabulous Mommy!

 <3,

M"

-------------------------------------------------------------

"Jessica,

          I hate that I even have to write you this letter. No one should ever have to face what you are going through. My heart breaks for you and for your son. Even though I never got to know your husband well, I know how highly you spoke of him and how much you loved him. The world lost an incredible man and no words can convey my sorrow.

          Nothing I say or write or do will fix any of this, but I want you to know that you and your son are in my prayers. You are a wonderful mom and your son is perfect.

          Enclosed is a ring sling for you and your son. I remember how excited you were about using one and how much you liked my rainbow. Through the generous gift of money and time, a mom that I never met helped me get this for you.

          Rainbows are a sign of hope and promises of a better tomorrow. I know it's just a sling, but may it be a blessing to you and your son. Rainbows only come after a storm and my, what a storm you are weathering. May this be a reminder to you that your rainbow is out there and that, while you may not see it now, it is there for you. May you be able to snuggle your sweet son even closer and may you be surrounded by people who will lift you up when the day is too much and stand beside you when you cannot go on anymore.

          You are strong. You are an inspiration. And your son is blessed to have you for a mother.

Much love and prayers,

K"

Please, K, thank the other Mom who helped you get the ring sling for Brayden and I! I, as you know, love it! I will post a picture of it, as soon as I learn to use it, lol!

To both you, K & M... your words are imprinted on my heart and in my head. I cried as I read both, and I cried as I just typed them. It means so much to me to know that Ryan & I have came into contact with some of the most amazing people in the world. To know that those amazing people, are in MY life, is a huge blessing. You all are blessings to me. You take part in my backbone. I don't have enough words to tell you & everyone else how much you mean to me, and how much you & your words are appreciated.

ALSO...

There are 2 people that send me nearly daily messages on Facebook. Without hesitation, without skipping a beat. J & M. Messages range from "XOXO", "<3", "thinking about you", "I love you, praying for you" - to so much more! Just small, quick messages to let me know that I am on their mind.  I may not respond to you every day, or hardly at all, but opening your messages every.single.day and knowing that I have you 2 behind me, lifts me up. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Death

Death has always been my biggest fear. 

It terrifies me. 

I wouldn't skydive, because of the what ifs. 

Hate flying because of the what ifs. 

Won't parasail because of the what ifs. 

One thing about me that Ryan disliked. My paranoia and fear of death. 

I'm scared of the unknown. I don't like not knowing. What comes next? What happens when you die? How does it feel? How do you just....die? I don't understand it, it's unknown to me, to anyone truthfully, & it terrifies me! 

I have never experienced death. I am 25 years old, and have all of my family members. All of my grandparents. I don't know how to deal with death. How to handle it, how to grieve. I go from never losing anyone, to losing the one person no one ever wants to lose. Their spouse. He was 25!! Had an amazing career. A fabulous marriage. And a baby on the way!  How does this happen? 

Now, I have to think.. "my husband is...dead. What does that mean? What happened to him?" 

I believe in Heaven. 

I don't KNOW it's real though. I just believe. 

I KNOW he's there, I know he's looking over me and Brayden. But what if?? 

I just don't know and it makes me so sick to think about. Death makes me sick. The unknown makes me sick. 

I love you infinitely, Ryan. Xoxo. I choose to believe that I will see you again. That this is not where it ends. 

Playlist

I listen to sad music...
 It makes me feel better...? 
Have you ever sang out loud, while crying? It really sounds like a moose with a toothache! But I do it. 

What do I listen to?

• Staind - All I want
• Laura Story - Blessings
• The Script - Breakeven
• Mariah Carey  - Bye Bye
• Crossfade - Cold (There's a story behind this...)
• Luke Bryan - Drink A Beer (This is a song that Travis told me came on while he was thinking about Ryan. Sooo sad. But what a perfect song!)
• Vince Gill - Go Rest High on That Mountain ( This song was sung at Ryan's service)
• 3 Doors Down - Here Without You
• Mariah Carey - Hero
• MercyMe - I Can Only Imagine
• Plumb - I Want You Here
• Faith Evans & P. Diddy - I'll Be Missing You
• LoneStar - I'm Already There
• Justin Moore - If Heaven Wasn't So Far Away
• Staind - It's Been Awhile
• Carrie Underwood - Just A Dream
• P!nk - Just Give Me A Reason (We sang this a lot in the car together)
• Delta Goodrem - Lost Without You
• Blake Shelton - Mine Would Be You
• Mariah Carey - One Sweet Day
• Staind - Right Here
• Carrie Underwood - See You Again
• Staind - Tangled Up In You (Our first dance song)
• Faith Hill - There You'll Be
• P!nk - True Love (I used to always tell Ryan this was my song to him! lol)
• Simple Plan - Untitled
• Jeremy Camp - Walk By Faith

What are some songs that help you get through tough times? 

This is for you

This one is for you. 

Yes, you. 

I want to message every single one of you. I want to have a conversation with each of you. I want to hand write you a thank you letter, and send it to you. 

However, writing each of you is not as easy as I thought it would be. 

So, this one is for you. You who messaged me. Prayed for me. Donated money. Donated items. Brought me food. Sent me a card. Reposted a status, reposted an article. For you, who cried. Who lost a little bit of sleep. For you who even just think of me, think of Brayden or think of Ryan. 

50% of you are complete strangers. People I've never met. Never had a conversation with. Some, I can't even contact because I have no idea how to. I hope you see this. 

I hope that each & every one of you know how much I truly appreciate it all. It all means so much to me, and has shown me how amazing people really are in times of tragedy, need, heartache... You all are so amazing. 

Thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Because of you, your thoughts, you prayers, I'm a little bit stronger. Because of people like you, I won't give up. I will keep going. I will one day, inspire others. 

Stranger or not, each of you hold a special spot in my heart. 

I love all of you. Thank you. 

DMV

Here's my miniature vent for the day.... 

Just because a piece of mail comes to an address in MY name, does NOT prove/verify/confirm that I live at that address. 

Let's be real. 

Nothing in the last 2 months has gone smoothly for me. 

& so this is life...

Reliving...

I can replay the day he arrived at the funeral home and I got to see him. 
I can replay the day of his visitation.
I can replay the funeral. 
I can replay it all, like it's a script I've been memorizing for years. 
It's a tape that continuously plays in my head. They are scenes that live in the front of my mind.
This is my hell.
This is my nightmare.

I won't re-hash that on here. Yet. But, I will make some notes...
-He did not look like he was sleeping. He did not look peaceful. He looked lifeless. I just wanted to grab him out of there and hold him. And squeeze him. And never let go. Ever. I told him I'd never let him go, all the time in the last 7 years, and I did. I let him go. Do you know how painful of a feeling that is? To have to see the love of your life, at 25 years old, laying lifeless...And have to turn and walk away from them, forever?

-Running my fingers over his hair, and kissing him on the forehead. It felt so right. I never wanted to stop. It's all I could do, and I didn't want to have to stop. 

-I kept the ring that I put on his finger on our wedding day, the ring he's worn for the last few years... I wanted it. But, I did buy him another ring, so he could be buried with one. 

-He was coined by his commander. This, I WILL play out for you all, because it was perfect..But, not in this entry. 

-It was all so...so...very...miserable. 


I'm not sure what the exact point of this entry was...I forgot...Which is pretty typical now-a-days...


& so this is life... 

That day...

On August 3, we celebrated baby. Catherine and Travis (our chosen Godparents for Brayden) held our baby shower for us. We sweat our butts off, ate awesome food, played hilarious games and enjoyed great company. 
Of course there was picture taking, something I am now forever grateful for. Who knew those would be the last images of my husband? 

August 4, Ryan packed his bags and prepared things for his month trip to England. Ryan loved to travel so much, and that is one reason he specifically loved being stationed where we were because it meant he could travel, and do what he loved...his career. Although I had asked him several times to ask someone else to go to England since it was so close to my due date, and although I'd told him daily how unhappy I was that he was going on that TDY..He wanted to go, and I could not change that. He did some odds & ends around the house for me, since I was 33 weeks pregnant, he wanted to be sure things were taken care of before leaving me. I got a picture of him hanging the baby monitor without him knowing. This, would be the last photo of him alive... We went to bed that night with the same perfect goodnight kiss, and I love you as every other night. 

On August 5, he woke up at his normal time around 6am, and begun getting ready. He woke me at 630 like every other morning, so I could prepare his breakfast. Egg whites and oatmeal. Who knew that would be the last time that I would ever make him breakfast? I took him to work that morning to drop him off for the month. Everyone was behind, so we went to the gas station and got him some road snacks and then a quick trip through Burger King for me some breakfast. I dropped him off, and that was that. 

Later that evening, around 7-830 time frame, I got a phone call from Ryan letting me know that they made it to their first destination safely, where they would stay overnight and resume travel in the morning. He let me know he couldn't talk long because it was the duty phone, he wasn't getting internet for 1 night because it was expensive, so he would talk to me after they made it Mildenhall. Our phone call ended with, "I love you, muah, bye baby." The last words he would ever speak to me... 

I woke up around 8am on August 6. Checked my phone, and had 2 missed calls at 3:25am from the phone that Ryan had called me from the night before. It worried me, so I started messaging one of the other spouses that also had her husband on that TDY. She had not heard anything and seemed to have no reason of concern. Around 9:30-10, my door bell rang. I looked from the top of the steps, it looked like my realtors car, so I didn't answer. I laid back down and hushed my dogs. My friend C texts me telling me to open my door. I responded, "You're not out there!" She promptly messages me back telling me to just open my door. "It's my realtor, I already looked." where she responds with, "It's not your realtor, just open your door" 

I walked down the steps to the front door, where I could see blue outside of the windows, but had no idea what exactly stood outside my front door. 

I opened my door to see 3 men in service blues, standing in front of me with long, dreadful looks on their faces. I recognized 1 face. His commander. Who is closest to my door, with a blue folder in his hand. There's 1 reason these men come to your door, we all know why. The sickness in my stomach was nearly instant. They hadn't even said a word yet. After a few moments, "Mrs. Austin..." and then they asked if they could come inside. I stepped back so they could enter, and apologized for my the messy house. The chaplain told me to sit down, but I thought that I could handle whatever they had to say so I told them to "just tell me." 

Ryan's commander spoke.. "On behalf of the Chief of staff, the United States Air Force, I regret to inform you of the untimely death of your husband, Staff Sargeant Ryan Douglas Austin..." There was more. Date. Time. Location. and "coming into contact with a high powered live rail track" at the end. From the second he opened his mouth to talk, I wanted to throw up. By the end of his very scripted briefing, I was numb, yet so nauseated. 

I then proceeded to sit down, grabbed a pillow and held it. I was so numb. So confused. In denial. There was absolutely no way that this could be true. I honestly don't remember things that were coming out of my mouth, but I can remember saying things like.. "This is a sick joke, right?".. "I just talked to him last night!".. "He JUST left yesterday..".."There's no way." ..."We're getting ready to have our first baby!"..."He was just here!"...Meanwhile, the Commander continued to talk, as well as the Chaplain but the words they spoke were not heard. 

I stared. I stared so blankly at their shiny black shoes. In no time, my house became that of a newly widowed spouse. Ryan's first shirt entered with the Chief, along with my friend C. I knew I had to call Catherine. I needed Catherine, immediately. I started to speak, but the words just couldn't come to me, C had to take the phone and break the news to Catherine. That her best friends husband, and her husbands best friend, her friend, was gone. He was no longer with us. 

My mom was next. Then one of the other spouses thats husband was with Ryan. Ryan's younger brother. Then his step mom. And after that, I couldn't think. I couldn't speak the same story over and over anymore. Because to me, it wasn't true. It was a mistake. There's no way that my husband had gone. 

My house became so incredibly chaotic. Chief telling me what was happening next, and that they were going to be monitoring my health and the baby's health. People began to pour into my house. Some that I did not even know. 
Sitting in silence. Hugging me. Crying. Staring at my floor. I don't even know if people actually spoke to me. I remember it stared to rain. So I walked outside and sat on our porch. In the rain. C brought me a blanket. All I could do was sit there, in the rain, and stare blankly. In denial. How did this happen? How could it? My husband didn't even cuss! He'd never smoked a cigarette, or tried a drug in his life! The appropriate amount of tears didn't even fall from my eyes. How could they? I couldn't believe the things I had been told. I did my best to ignore everything & everyone around me. To make it not real. But the people just kept coming. Their tears kept flowing. Their silence still screaming at me. 

After walking back inside, I can't remember what happened the rest of the day. It all became a huge blur, and I obviously did a good job at blocking everything out. 

2 months & 6 days later.... I'm still in denial. I still try to ignore it. I still try not to believe it. I'm not ready to accept it. I'm not ready for "what's next"... I'm not ready to accept that this is the life that I have to live. To wake up every morning without Ryan, to go to sleep every night without him.. To never hear his voice again.. To raise our son without him.. To figure out what really is next.. I don't know what's next. I haven't began "walking" yet. No one step in front of the other. I'm scooting. I'm not swimming, I'm floating. I'm here. I'm alive. I'm not okay. 

& so this is life...