Late Night Ramblings

I've only made a couple "ramble" blogs.. Which amazes me because my mind is a constant ramble. 

Tonight, I'm thinking of so many different things, all across the board. 

Therapy. 

I believe it's helping. It's 45 minutes where I can do nothing but sit and cry & that's okay. I can say anything that I need and want to say, and that's okay! Even if not a word was spoken the entire session & all it consisted of was me crying, it would still help. 

I'm learning boundaries. I've been slowly pushing negativity farther & farther away from me, and it's an important step to take in working on getting myself better. I make myself sound crazy, sick, diseased, or something. Grief has made me crazy. True story. 

I will soon start pushing more negatives out of my life and letting people know.. I love you & I want you in my life, but, I cannot be apart of negativity while trying to work on myself. 

Last night, I wanted to give up. 

I wanted to be done with it all. 

I voiced that very clearly to Luke. 

It was one of those days, that knocks me around like a punching bag. 

I am so so SO very tired of doing this alone. 

This was never the way my life was supposed to be. 

I feel like I took the wrong turn at some point, and if i could find a place to do a U-turn, maybe it would fix it all. Heh. I know. I know. 

For 16 months, I have done this alone. 

Alone. 

By myself. 

I make sure that 5 living beings are taken care of every single day. 

Kuddos to others that do it with grace, and others that take care of more. 

This is enough for me. 

And how it hasn't managed to kill me yet, well, I'll never know. 

Wedding planning "officially" kicked off last night when we had our first official meeting (via skype) with our amazing wedding planner! I'm so blessed to have had come across so many wonderful people in this journey! Also, 1 bridesmaid dress was ordered today as a "tester dress".... We'll see how I like them! I hope it is perfect! 

Last ramble... I need a house. Now. 

Too. Much. Stuff. 

Dogs. Need. A. Yard. 

3rd. Floor. Apartments. SUCK! 

I'm working on this. 

The end. 

Guilt

I'm learning, through therapy, a lot of my true inner feelings. Feelings that I've kept hidden. Pushed wayyyy down. Ignored. While at the same time, still trying to keep them hidden & ignored. Still trying to keep my game face on. 

I've already admitted that I truly struggle. I have already admitted that my day to day life isn't as happy as the fake smile I slap across my face all the time. 

So what else is left? 

Way. More. Than. Imaginable. 

I feel so guilty and so angry (most days) that I'm alive. And not just because I'm alive having to endure all of this, but because Ryan is the one gone & not me. 

I don't understand "why him" and I never will. 

But seriously, why? 

He had so much to offer the world. He DID so much! Me? I was a stay-at-home wife, I didn't finish college, I didn't work, I cuss, I have done bad things. 

Ryan was a saint. Ryan gave & gave. Ryan never gave up. Ryan signed his life away, for every single civilian in this country. Ryan was this incredible human being who had everything to offer the world. I get to continue my life, and he doesn't. I get to do things he dreamed of doing. Why? I just don't get it. I am so undeserving. He deserved and EARNED it all. Everything! 

So why not me? 

I know. I'm working on not thinking this way. And getting past the guilt/anger of it. I'll get there. I will. 

I need sleep. 

Xo <3