I buried my husband and the father of my child 19 months ago.
I haven't blogged since January.
It's time.
A few blogs back, I blogged about grief suffocating me.
I have once again, allowed myself to somehow put a blocker up & not think about things. This is truly a process that I have to stop. It will only come back to haunt me, and I am fully aware of that.
I just want to grieve!
I just want to cry.
I just want to be in a semi-normal emotional state.
I have WAY less stress now than I did in January, but my emotions and my depression/anxiety still isn't completely under control. I'm working on it. But, being a widow with a baby, and not many options of help, is hard.
Everything in my life is a work in progress.
I don't have all the answers.
I don't have everything planned out.
I don't know from one day to the next how I will be.
I don't want to be this person. I don't want to be this angry, depressed, emotional, hermit 26 year old. I cannot let my child grow up seeing me this way. This is why I have become so fucking award winning at pretending to be okay. Brayden deserves more. Brayden deserves to see all of the good in life, even on the days when I believe there isn't any. That's not my job to decide for him.
Since the last time I blogged, I have had 2 cortisone shots in my wrist, neither worked. Began physical therapy for my knee 2x a week (know how hard that is when you don't have help?)... Bought a house. Moved. Got a new puppy. (Another Great Dane!) Got a fish! and dealt with a whole lot of shit in between.
I haven't heard from Brayden's grandparents in months.
My mother almost caused me to lose the opportunity of buying a house for me and my son.
I have watched several of my best friends suffer.
I just want things to be easy, smooth, and the way they should be. Minus Ryan being here since that is something that I cannot have. I feel like that isn't asking much. I've been through 19 months of shit, with sprinkles in it. I hope that was a good enough explanation for you!
My face is tired of pretending.
My head is tired of pretending.
My body is tired of pretending.
I am tired.
In 18 months of Brayden's life, I have probably been without him a combined total of 24 hours or LESS.
I'm tired.
I'm going crazy.
I don't want to get out of bed...still.
I don't want to go out...still.
I don't want to participate.
I'm tired.
So, so, tired.
I miss my husband. I miss the military life. I miss my friends. I miss Germany. I miss watching Ryan play Xbox in the evenings and talking to the baby through my belly button. I miss going on random adventures and exploring the world with Ryan. I miss normal. I miss the half that made me whole. It's hard to believe that we would have been together 9 years this year. Incredible. I am so grateful to have had such true love in my lifetime and I am blessed that he spent his life until death, with me.
I don't want to be a sad soul anymore.
But I just am. Always.
... & so this is life.
