My Mind Will Destroy Me

I am overly emotional.
I am "too" sensitive.
I feel too much and do not take care of myself and my mind/heart enough.
I give & give my all, in every way that I can/know how, and hurt myself when the same isn't reciprocated.
I am well understanding of the fact that the world does not revolve around me, and that not everyone shows things like I do, or even as much as I do. And truthfully, I'm okay with that. But, my heart/mind do not always agree.
My heart, my mind, my soul - All tired.
I am so tired. (I feel like this is becoming a repetitive thought for me.)

I make myself feel alone.
I make myself feel unimportant, unwanted, unneeded. NO ONE makes me feel that way. I do it.
My mind is my biggest enemy and it will destroy me.
I'm not taking care of myself, my heart, my thoughts or my feelings enough. I'm too worried about everyone and everything else. And in the midst of it all, I'm breaking. Every word, empty word, action or empty action is breaking me.

I am completely surrounded by people. People all over the world. People right under my nose. Hundreds of people. Amazing people who love me, support me, better me, and make me crazy. (Crazier than I am naturally.) Yet, I can still somehow feel the way that I do. And it truly isn't anyone's fault, but my own. I'm a mess!

I am not where I want to be. Whether it be in Maryland with my best family, in Germany 2.5 years ago with my dead husband, or in Arizona with my boyfriend - I am not where I want to be. I never wanted to be back here to begin with, and I have settled. Unfortunately, I will be here longer than I truly care to be. I have gotten comfortably numb to "settling" and I have to stop. I have to stop letting myself be put on the back burner, I have to stop giving chances, I have to stop doubting.

"Woe-is-me is not an attractive narrative."

This is not who I want to be. This is not who I truly am, even! 
I'm working on chilling the fuck out. (Couldn't go a whole blog without my fav word!) 
I am a work in progress.

Tomorrow, I will be better than I am today. 

Being an adult is seriously not going to work out for me. I think I quit. I'm just going to color & hang out under my blanket for the rest of my life. 

"When I am silent, I have thunder hidden inside of me."

2 Years Later....

I've parented on my own for 2 years now.
It has never been easy.
Easy in a sense that I haven't had to worry about how someone else wants to parent, I just do it my way. But not easy in any other way.
In 2 years, I have had maybe 15 hours without Brayden, TOTAL. Maybe.
Not to include my overnight hospital stay when I had my gallbladder removed.
I'm not complaining, I love my son. With every ounce of my being. I have enjoyed every second of watching him grow, talk, walk, watch his personality bloom, his hair get thicker...And if it had to be done the exact same way again, I would do it again.
I didn't choose it to be this way. I never imagined my life this way. I would have NEVER wanted it to be this way. And there are some days that I curse Ryan up one wall & down another.
But alas, here I am.
2 years later and I still have a head full of hair, and SOME what of a mind left. Not much.


NOW, I am going to complain.
I. Am. So. TIRED.
Maybe not physically, completely anyway, but my soul is so damn tired.
I try not to be the parent that yells, I hate being yelled at, hated it when I was a kid & don't want to yell as a parent...I try not to be the parent that spanks, because I hated that, and it isn't always effective...I fail. I fail every single day.

I am tired of DAILY headaches.
I'm tired of feeling like I am not enough.
I'm tired of being a failure.
I am tired of feeling like I want to give up.
I am tired of going to sleep at night, wondering if I am doing my best and doubting myself.

I get it.
He's 2.
He's going to do things he isn't supposed to.
He's going to whine, fuss, tantrum, and cry.
He's going to yell, jump and run through the house.
He's going to NOT LISTEN to anything I say.
I get it.
I really do.
But I feel like my parenting is completely ineffective. He's 2. How will I ever know for sure, at such a young age? I won't. Whatever.

If for one day, Brayden, you could just make me not go bat shit crazy, I think I would be set for another 2 years alone.
Otherwise, alone is for the birds, and there needs to be 2 of me. STAT.

So, this is life...
Xo