Road Trips

How I can make road trips and not end up dead or in a wreck, is beyond me. When I'm with others, I'm fine. It's the driving alone part, that consumes me. 

I overthink. Meh, really, I just think. 

I listen to music, and reminisce. I think of all the memories that Ryan & I made while taking road trips. 

I cry.

A lot. 

I sing while crying. 

How I can drive, I'll never know. 

One step forward, 4 step back. 

That is the reality of my reality. 

But, as long as I continue to take that one step, that's what is important, right? 

Why am I a year and a half out and still cannot accept that my husband is never coming back? Why do I still try to tell myself that he's just gone for a while? 

I do tell myself that he is gone, forever. I will never see him again. And then I cry. And then I block it out as quickly as possible, and I remain in denial. 

When does this cycle end? 

I'm watching my son grow and learn all about the world....and while I am so incredibly proud to be his mother, and ecstatic for everything he is learning... It hurts me so bad that I have to do this alone. That I don't get to sit down at the end of the work day with Ryan and tell him all about the funny things Brayden did today. I don't get to tell him that while I was painting the bathroom, he came in and dunked his hand into the paint can. 

I don't get to tell him about Lucas's vet appointment today. 

I don't get to share in the everyday things with him that I'm supposed to. 

I am his. 

Brayden is his. 

Lucas is his. 

We are his. 

We are his family. 

This is our family. 

But it will never be. It can never be. 

Why can't I accept that? 

I'm tired of being tired. 

Smiling isn't my favorite.

I'm tired of pretending. 

I'm not strong. 

I don't want to be strong. 

I want the man that I married, that I built my life with, to be alive. To be well. To be HERE. 

It was during road trips that we talked about things like, what would happen if one of us died. How we would want things handled. Where we would want to be. Etc. 

We held hands, nearly the entire time. Even if we just went to the store. 

Now, I hold my gear stick. I'm so empty. 

We would sing together, or he would sing to me and I would tell him how awful he sounded. Do you know what I would give to hear his voice sing again? Instead, I sing alone. And when I do, I think of how awful I sound, and I think of Ryan, and I cry....sing cry. 

I Don't even know what life would be like with Ryan here anymore. And saying that, feeling that way, is like putting my heart in a blender. It hurts. It hurts so bad. 

I need to not take road trips for a while. 

...I've also been out of therapy and off my meds for far too long. 

Whatever. 

Brayden...

I haven't blogged about my boy, & I really feel like I need to. Afterall, he is my living savior & deserves so much recognition! ;) 

I have said it constantly and I'll repeat. He saved my life, and continues to save my life every single day. Now, he may be the cause of most of my insanity, but definitely keeps me waking up each and every day. Because of him, I don't go to bed each night wondering if tomorrow is the day that being without Ryan & the realization of his death will be the final straw for me. I go to bed knowing that no matter how I feel, I am my son's whole world, I am all he has, and I could never take that from him. I go to bed knowing that I will wake up another day, and raise Ryan's son. Our son. Our perfect, P-E-R-F-E-C-T creation. 

It is April 5. Which means Brayden is just over 18 months. Still the spitting image of his father. Still bright red hair. Big blue eyes. He seems to have a slight touch of my crazy ass personality. (& by slight, I may be underestimating a bit.)

He sings to songs, dances (his favorite is "Shake it off" by Taylor Swift. 

He is one of the most well-behaved and well-mannered babies (or toddlers WAAHHHHH) that I have seen. 

He loves being funny and getting attention. 

He is so sweet and cuddley! 

He LOVES to run! Gets that from his daddy. 

He loves to give hugs and kisses. 

Waves bye. 

He has a will to learn, just like his daddy as well. Ryan loved to learn anything and everything. His preferred & best way of learning was visual & hands on. My child follows that path. He likes to try everything, learn by watching then by doing. 1-2 trys and he's got it. 

He is incredibly smart. 

Things he can say that I can think of off the top of my head: 

Dada, Mama, Mommy, Doggy, Dog, Papaw, Banana, Eat, More, Light, Chicken, Duck, down, Done, Night-Night, Bye-Bye, I do, I did, I didn't, I love you, what are you doing?, Car, Truck, Amy, Zailey, Casey, Sky, Out, Uh-Oh, Ew, Uh-huh, Mmhmm, Mmmm, Huh, Luke, Go Big Blue, Go Cats, Stop, Tea, Milk, Drink, Turtle, Frog, Die, Dying (those 2 came from him crying for food & me asking if he was dying...haha!), Thank You, You're Welcome, Bless You, Bird, Tree, Yeah, Shit (ugh. Only happened once!)..Yes....one, Two, Three, A, B, C, D, E, G, H, I, O, T, Hi, Hiya, Egg.....

....I feel like there is more but I can't think of them right off. 

He has never told me no. Which is crazy to me, lol. Everyone said it would be one of the first things he would learn to say! Nope. He has more important ish to worry about. ;) 

He loves to be talked to. Read to. And played with. 

He has 12 teeth, currently. 

Bubble Guppies is his show of choice if we turn the TV one 

Loves ALL dogs. Hugs them. Kisses them. And even, yells at them from time to time when they're being bad. 

He loves to help me. He tries to help me put groceries away, help when I'm putting things together (with his toy screwdriver!), help do laundry, and help clean up... Although it isn't really that helpful lol 

He can show you his "fat belly".

His toes and feet. 

His hands. 

His nose & mouth.

He can point & show you what he wants. 

And he has WAY too good of a memory. He is sneaky as hell, and pays attention to every little thing. 

He still sleeps with me. Although he has a pretty bomb-ass ninja turtle room. 

He still takes a paci at night. 

Sleeps from 1130p-10a normally. Has a 2-2.5 hr nap at some point through the day. 

And he can drive me CRAZY when he is fussy...but he's incredible. 

I am more & more amazed by him, every single day. Watching him move, talk, breath, it is all so incredible. He has changed my life so much. He has saved my life. There are no better words. 

If you aren't in his life, you are truly missing out. Missing out on one amazing child. Missing out on mini Ryan. Missing out on all that is left of Ryan. You are just plain missing out.