How Do You Handle Struggles?

In hard times, in grief, in suffering...we all have different ways of handling things. We all decompress, step backwards, straighten our minds out, in many different ways.

I know that. These are facts! So why is it so hard for me truly accept that not everyone handles things like I do? 

Rarely ever do I want to be alone in hard times. I'd rather be with someone close to me. Even if it is to be in silence. I yearn to have someone to talk to if I must be physically alone. Being completely alone hurts me so much worse. My mind runs rampant when I'm alone. Overthinking, over analyzing, it will kill you! It will eat away at you so quickly! 

Blocking the world out, blocking those I love out, it hurts worse. You have to allow happiness & sunlight to shine in, in between the cracks, to help you get through the days. You'll never be able to move out from under the black cloud if you allow it to rule 100% of your day, every single day. 

Take steps forward, eventually you'll look up and there will be clear skies & sunshine.  If you allow happiness in when it tries to get in, you have a much better chance at moving forward and efficiently handling your struggles. 

It is a vicious cycle. A vicious, miserable cycle. 

Talk about what brings you joy. 

Think about what brings you joy & take the necessary steps to get it, even if you fall along the way. Stand back up! 

Allow happiness & joy in your life. 

Allow those you love to be a part of your life, a part of your journey, if they want to be.

It's okay to smile, even in hard times.

Xo

My Mind Will Destroy Me

I am overly emotional.
I am "too" sensitive.
I feel too much and do not take care of myself and my mind/heart enough.
I give & give my all, in every way that I can/know how, and hurt myself when the same isn't reciprocated.
I am well understanding of the fact that the world does not revolve around me, and that not everyone shows things like I do, or even as much as I do. And truthfully, I'm okay with that. But, my heart/mind do not always agree.
My heart, my mind, my soul - All tired.
I am so tired. (I feel like this is becoming a repetitive thought for me.)

I make myself feel alone.
I make myself feel unimportant, unwanted, unneeded. NO ONE makes me feel that way. I do it.
My mind is my biggest enemy and it will destroy me.
I'm not taking care of myself, my heart, my thoughts or my feelings enough. I'm too worried about everyone and everything else. And in the midst of it all, I'm breaking. Every word, empty word, action or empty action is breaking me.

I am completely surrounded by people. People all over the world. People right under my nose. Hundreds of people. Amazing people who love me, support me, better me, and make me crazy. (Crazier than I am naturally.) Yet, I can still somehow feel the way that I do. And it truly isn't anyone's fault, but my own. I'm a mess!

I am not where I want to be. Whether it be in Maryland with my best family, in Germany 2.5 years ago with my dead husband, or in Arizona with my boyfriend - I am not where I want to be. I never wanted to be back here to begin with, and I have settled. Unfortunately, I will be here longer than I truly care to be. I have gotten comfortably numb to "settling" and I have to stop. I have to stop letting myself be put on the back burner, I have to stop giving chances, I have to stop doubting.

"Woe-is-me is not an attractive narrative."

This is not who I want to be. This is not who I truly am, even! 
I'm working on chilling the fuck out. (Couldn't go a whole blog without my fav word!) 
I am a work in progress.

Tomorrow, I will be better than I am today. 

Being an adult is seriously not going to work out for me. I think I quit. I'm just going to color & hang out under my blanket for the rest of my life. 

"When I am silent, I have thunder hidden inside of me."

2 Years Later....

I've parented on my own for 2 years now.
It has never been easy.
Easy in a sense that I haven't had to worry about how someone else wants to parent, I just do it my way. But not easy in any other way.
In 2 years, I have had maybe 15 hours without Brayden, TOTAL. Maybe.
Not to include my overnight hospital stay when I had my gallbladder removed.
I'm not complaining, I love my son. With every ounce of my being. I have enjoyed every second of watching him grow, talk, walk, watch his personality bloom, his hair get thicker...And if it had to be done the exact same way again, I would do it again.
I didn't choose it to be this way. I never imagined my life this way. I would have NEVER wanted it to be this way. And there are some days that I curse Ryan up one wall & down another.
But alas, here I am.
2 years later and I still have a head full of hair, and SOME what of a mind left. Not much.


NOW, I am going to complain.
I. Am. So. TIRED.
Maybe not physically, completely anyway, but my soul is so damn tired.
I try not to be the parent that yells, I hate being yelled at, hated it when I was a kid & don't want to yell as a parent...I try not to be the parent that spanks, because I hated that, and it isn't always effective...I fail. I fail every single day.

I am tired of DAILY headaches.
I'm tired of feeling like I am not enough.
I'm tired of being a failure.
I am tired of feeling like I want to give up.
I am tired of going to sleep at night, wondering if I am doing my best and doubting myself.

I get it.
He's 2.
He's going to do things he isn't supposed to.
He's going to whine, fuss, tantrum, and cry.
He's going to yell, jump and run through the house.
He's going to NOT LISTEN to anything I say.
I get it.
I really do.
But I feel like my parenting is completely ineffective. He's 2. How will I ever know for sure, at such a young age? I won't. Whatever.

If for one day, Brayden, you could just make me not go bat shit crazy, I think I would be set for another 2 years alone.
Otherwise, alone is for the birds, and there needs to be 2 of me. STAT.

So, this is life...
Xo

Exhausted. Purely.

I haven't made an update on "life in general" in a while. It's been crazy for a few months, and well, I am exhausted! Mentally. Emotionally. Physically. 

In March, I bought a house. (FINALLY!) & I have to officially turn the apartment keys in this Thursday. There's still a bunch of stuff in there. My house is a disaster. No time for that, gotta head to the apartment and pack! I can only blame myself. I had slacked! Once I got my necessities into the house, I settled. And just didn't want to go back to the apartment. I am so glad to be out of there! 

Also in March, I got another Great Dane. Dane #2. Merle. Cauley Cobb. Yep. Named after 2 of my favorite players! 😉 after a few weeks, he was a TERROR. So he was sent to board & train for 5 weeks. He's amazing now! And also came back double his size. Yikes! He is 75% Euro, and going to be a BIG BOY!!!!! 

In June, I added another addition to my Dane collection.  A Chocolate Harlequin. Keely Mae. Dane #3. She's crazy and feisty as hell, but man, I love her! All 3 of them are so entertaining together! K is seriously entertaining even by herself! She is 10 weeks old this week! 

And as you know, while I LOVEDDDD my 2014 Toyota RAV4 - it just won't transport all 6 of my babies! (don't forget I still have Chloe and Lucas!) so it had to be traded in for something with bigger hatch space! 

Bye bye my beautiful amazing Rav! 

And hello to my 2016 Honda Pilot Touring. 😍 So much more room for all my babes! 

I really, really miss my Rav. But it had to be done. And I'm accepting it. I love the pilot! Her name is Dana. Dana the Dane Mobile. Hahaha. Real life tho. 

I ended things with Luke recently. But from my past blog, you should have gathered that! 

Cleaning, unpacking, packing, chasing dogs, bathing dogs, feeding dogs, cleaning up after dogs, potty training dogs, chasing a toddler, changing diapers, feeding, play time, appointments, laundry - The never ending cycle of a single widowed mother. I don't ever get a break from Brayden, and that's okay because I love him with my whole heart & love him being with me. But I do wish, I could just have a small, miniature break! Hair appointments? He's there! Personal training? Ha. He's there! Bought a mini nail salon so I can do my own nails at home cause I can't take him there. Doctor appointments? I've got him. I never, ever, ever get a break. Why oh why did my husband have to die? Why? 

Anyway. It's 6 in the morning.. I can't sleep but I probably should try! 

& so this is life! 

Road Trips

How I can make road trips and not end up dead or in a wreck, is beyond me. When I'm with others, I'm fine. It's the driving alone part, that consumes me. 

I overthink. Meh, really, I just think. 

I listen to music, and reminisce. I think of all the memories that Ryan & I made while taking road trips. 

I cry.

A lot. 

I sing while crying. 

How I can drive, I'll never know. 

One step forward, 4 step back. 

That is the reality of my reality. 

But, as long as I continue to take that one step, that's what is important, right? 

Why am I a year and a half out and still cannot accept that my husband is never coming back? Why do I still try to tell myself that he's just gone for a while? 

I do tell myself that he is gone, forever. I will never see him again. And then I cry. And then I block it out as quickly as possible, and I remain in denial. 

When does this cycle end? 

I'm watching my son grow and learn all about the world....and while I am so incredibly proud to be his mother, and ecstatic for everything he is learning... It hurts me so bad that I have to do this alone. That I don't get to sit down at the end of the work day with Ryan and tell him all about the funny things Brayden did today. I don't get to tell him that while I was painting the bathroom, he came in and dunked his hand into the paint can. 

I don't get to tell him about Lucas's vet appointment today. 

I don't get to share in the everyday things with him that I'm supposed to. 

I am his. 

Brayden is his. 

Lucas is his. 

We are his. 

We are his family. 

This is our family. 

But it will never be. It can never be. 

Why can't I accept that? 

I'm tired of being tired. 

Smiling isn't my favorite.

I'm tired of pretending. 

I'm not strong. 

I don't want to be strong. 

I want the man that I married, that I built my life with, to be alive. To be well. To be HERE. 

It was during road trips that we talked about things like, what would happen if one of us died. How we would want things handled. Where we would want to be. Etc. 

We held hands, nearly the entire time. Even if we just went to the store. 

Now, I hold my gear stick. I'm so empty. 

We would sing together, or he would sing to me and I would tell him how awful he sounded. Do you know what I would give to hear his voice sing again? Instead, I sing alone. And when I do, I think of how awful I sound, and I think of Ryan, and I cry....sing cry. 

I Don't even know what life would be like with Ryan here anymore. And saying that, feeling that way, is like putting my heart in a blender. It hurts. It hurts so bad. 

I need to not take road trips for a while. 

...I've also been out of therapy and off my meds for far too long. 

Whatever. 

Brayden...

I haven't blogged about my boy, & I really feel like I need to. Afterall, he is my living savior & deserves so much recognition! ;) 

I have said it constantly and I'll repeat. He saved my life, and continues to save my life every single day. Now, he may be the cause of most of my insanity, but definitely keeps me waking up each and every day. Because of him, I don't go to bed each night wondering if tomorrow is the day that being without Ryan & the realization of his death will be the final straw for me. I go to bed knowing that no matter how I feel, I am my son's whole world, I am all he has, and I could never take that from him. I go to bed knowing that I will wake up another day, and raise Ryan's son. Our son. Our perfect, P-E-R-F-E-C-T creation. 

It is April 5. Which means Brayden is just over 18 months. Still the spitting image of his father. Still bright red hair. Big blue eyes. He seems to have a slight touch of my crazy ass personality. (& by slight, I may be underestimating a bit.)

He sings to songs, dances (his favorite is "Shake it off" by Taylor Swift. 

He is one of the most well-behaved and well-mannered babies (or toddlers WAAHHHHH) that I have seen. 

He loves being funny and getting attention. 

He is so sweet and cuddley! 

He LOVES to run! Gets that from his daddy. 

He loves to give hugs and kisses. 

Waves bye. 

He has a will to learn, just like his daddy as well. Ryan loved to learn anything and everything. His preferred & best way of learning was visual & hands on. My child follows that path. He likes to try everything, learn by watching then by doing. 1-2 trys and he's got it. 

He is incredibly smart. 

Things he can say that I can think of off the top of my head: 

Dada, Mama, Mommy, Doggy, Dog, Papaw, Banana, Eat, More, Light, Chicken, Duck, down, Done, Night-Night, Bye-Bye, I do, I did, I didn't, I love you, what are you doing?, Car, Truck, Amy, Zailey, Casey, Sky, Out, Uh-Oh, Ew, Uh-huh, Mmhmm, Mmmm, Huh, Luke, Go Big Blue, Go Cats, Stop, Tea, Milk, Drink, Turtle, Frog, Die, Dying (those 2 came from him crying for food & me asking if he was dying...haha!), Thank You, You're Welcome, Bless You, Bird, Tree, Yeah, Shit (ugh. Only happened once!)..Yes....one, Two, Three, A, B, C, D, E, G, H, I, O, T, Hi, Hiya, Egg.....

....I feel like there is more but I can't think of them right off. 

He has never told me no. Which is crazy to me, lol. Everyone said it would be one of the first things he would learn to say! Nope. He has more important ish to worry about. ;) 

He loves to be talked to. Read to. And played with. 

He has 12 teeth, currently. 

Bubble Guppies is his show of choice if we turn the TV one 

Loves ALL dogs. Hugs them. Kisses them. And even, yells at them from time to time when they're being bad. 

He loves to help me. He tries to help me put groceries away, help when I'm putting things together (with his toy screwdriver!), help do laundry, and help clean up... Although it isn't really that helpful lol 

He can show you his "fat belly".

His toes and feet. 

His hands. 

His nose & mouth.

He can point & show you what he wants. 

And he has WAY too good of a memory. He is sneaky as hell, and pays attention to every little thing. 

He still sleeps with me. Although he has a pretty bomb-ass ninja turtle room. 

He still takes a paci at night. 

Sleeps from 1130p-10a normally. Has a 2-2.5 hr nap at some point through the day. 

And he can drive me CRAZY when he is fussy...but he's incredible. 

I am more & more amazed by him, every single day. Watching him move, talk, breath, it is all so incredible. He has changed my life so much. He has saved my life. There are no better words. 

If you aren't in his life, you are truly missing out. Missing out on one amazing child. Missing out on mini Ryan. Missing out on all that is left of Ryan. You are just plain missing out. 

More ramblings.... Here it is.

Brayden is 18 months old. 

I buried my husband and the father of my child 19 months ago. 

I haven't blogged since January. 

It's time. 

A few blogs back, I blogged about grief suffocating me. 

I have once again, allowed myself to somehow put a blocker up & not think about things. This is truly a process that I have to stop. It will only come back to haunt me, and I am fully aware of that. 

I just want to grieve! 

I just want to cry. 

I just want to be in a semi-normal emotional state. 

I have WAY less stress now than I did in January, but my emotions and my depression/anxiety still isn't completely under control. I'm working on it. But, being a widow with a baby, and not many options of help, is hard. 

Everything in my life is a work in progress. 

I don't have all the answers. 

I don't have everything planned out. 

I don't know from one day to the next how I will be. 

I don't want to be this person. I don't want to be this angry, depressed, emotional, hermit 26 year old. I cannot let my child grow up seeing me this way. This is why I have become so fucking award winning at pretending to be okay. Brayden deserves more. Brayden deserves to see all of the good in life, even on the days when I believe there isn't any. That's not my job to decide for him. 

Since the last time I blogged, I have had 2 cortisone shots in my wrist, neither worked. Began physical therapy for my knee 2x a week (know how hard that is when you don't have help?)... Bought a house. Moved. Got a new puppy. (Another Great Dane!) Got a fish! and dealt with a whole lot of shit in between. 

I haven't heard from Brayden's grandparents in months. 

My mother almost caused me to lose the opportunity of buying a house for me and my son. 

I have watched several of my best friends suffer. 

I just want things to be easy, smooth, and the way they should be. Minus Ryan being here since that is something that I cannot have. I feel like that isn't asking much. I've been through 19 months of shit, with sprinkles in it. I hope that was a good enough explanation for you! 

My face is tired of pretending. 

My head is tired of pretending. 

My body is tired of pretending. 

I am tired. 

In 18 months of Brayden's life, I have probably been without him a combined total of 24 hours or LESS. 

I'm tired. 

I'm going crazy. 

I don't want to get out of bed...still. 

I don't want to go out...still. 

I don't want to participate. 

I'm tired. 

So, so, tired. 

I miss my husband. I miss the military life. I miss my friends. I miss Germany. I miss watching Ryan play Xbox in the evenings and talking to the baby through my belly button. I miss going on random adventures and exploring the world with Ryan. I miss normal. I miss the half that made me whole. It's hard to believe that we would have been together 9 years this year. Incredible. I am so grateful to have had such true love in my lifetime and I am blessed that he spent his life until death, with me. 

I don't want to be a sad soul anymore. 

But I just am. Always. 

... & so this is life. 

Late Night Ramblings

I've only made a couple "ramble" blogs.. Which amazes me because my mind is a constant ramble. 

Tonight, I'm thinking of so many different things, all across the board. 

Therapy. 

I believe it's helping. It's 45 minutes where I can do nothing but sit and cry & that's okay. I can say anything that I need and want to say, and that's okay! Even if not a word was spoken the entire session & all it consisted of was me crying, it would still help. 

I'm learning boundaries. I've been slowly pushing negativity farther & farther away from me, and it's an important step to take in working on getting myself better. I make myself sound crazy, sick, diseased, or something. Grief has made me crazy. True story. 

I will soon start pushing more negatives out of my life and letting people know.. I love you & I want you in my life, but, I cannot be apart of negativity while trying to work on myself. 

Last night, I wanted to give up. 

I wanted to be done with it all. 

I voiced that very clearly to Luke. 

It was one of those days, that knocks me around like a punching bag. 

I am so so SO very tired of doing this alone. 

This was never the way my life was supposed to be. 

I feel like I took the wrong turn at some point, and if i could find a place to do a U-turn, maybe it would fix it all. Heh. I know. I know. 

For 16 months, I have done this alone. 

Alone. 

By myself. 

I make sure that 5 living beings are taken care of every single day. 

Kuddos to others that do it with grace, and others that take care of more. 

This is enough for me. 

And how it hasn't managed to kill me yet, well, I'll never know. 

Wedding planning "officially" kicked off last night when we had our first official meeting (via skype) with our amazing wedding planner! I'm so blessed to have had come across so many wonderful people in this journey! Also, 1 bridesmaid dress was ordered today as a "tester dress".... We'll see how I like them! I hope it is perfect! 

Last ramble... I need a house. Now. 

Too. Much. Stuff. 

Dogs. Need. A. Yard. 

3rd. Floor. Apartments. SUCK! 

I'm working on this. 

The end. 

Guilt

I'm learning, through therapy, a lot of my true inner feelings. Feelings that I've kept hidden. Pushed wayyyy down. Ignored. While at the same time, still trying to keep them hidden & ignored. Still trying to keep my game face on. 

I've already admitted that I truly struggle. I have already admitted that my day to day life isn't as happy as the fake smile I slap across my face all the time. 

So what else is left? 

Way. More. Than. Imaginable. 

I feel so guilty and so angry (most days) that I'm alive. And not just because I'm alive having to endure all of this, but because Ryan is the one gone & not me. 

I don't understand "why him" and I never will. 

But seriously, why? 

He had so much to offer the world. He DID so much! Me? I was a stay-at-home wife, I didn't finish college, I didn't work, I cuss, I have done bad things. 

Ryan was a saint. Ryan gave & gave. Ryan never gave up. Ryan signed his life away, for every single civilian in this country. Ryan was this incredible human being who had everything to offer the world. I get to continue my life, and he doesn't. I get to do things he dreamed of doing. Why? I just don't get it. I am so undeserving. He deserved and EARNED it all. Everything! 

So why not me? 

I know. I'm working on not thinking this way. And getting past the guilt/anger of it. I'll get there. I will. 

I need sleep. 

Xo <3