Questions

Stop. 

Stop asking questions. 

When someone dies, stop asking how. 

Stop asking what happened.

Just stop it all. 

You can ask me anything! I'm generally an open book. I don't hide who I am, and i don't hide what I like, my feelings, facts about my life. I'll answer. But it isn't answering that is the problem. It's the question being asked in the given situation. 

Do you really believe that sending someone who just lost their husband (or lost ANYONE) a message saying "I'm so sorry, how did it happen?" Is appropriate? It is so incredibly inconsiderate, distasteful, rude, nosy, unsupportive, and the list could go on. 

We as adults have to do better! If you have children, TEACH them better! We need to learn to be more supportive to one another. 

When a family wants to share information, it will be shared. Why can't we accept that? 

I saw an article about an Airman being found dead the other day, his name & other information was withheld until the next of kin was notified. And then I continued and read the comments. "What happened" "how did he die" "how?" Etc.... Come on y'all....we have got to do better than this. 

Grief is suffocating

Behind my smile & my mostly successful attempts at remaining positive, how am I REALLY doing? 

I'm learning very quickly that the 1st year was full of numbness, denial, pretending, & just merely surviving. 

Year 2 is showing me that I'm not able to ignore it as easily, that I'm not able to pretend as easily, that numbness always wears off. I'm so exhausted. It is so exhausting. 

A lot has happened in the last 15 months. 

A lot has happened in the last 5 months. 

So much has happened since my last entry. So this entry may be long & quite ramble-y. Venture on at your own risk. 

Brayden & I finally live in our own. And while it is a huge factor in reminding me what I have lost, it also makes me so happy & at peace to be with just him & mine & Ryan's things. Just us. I will definitely only be in this apartment until our lease is up though, defffffffinitely need a house. A 3rd floor apartment for a widowed-single mom of a baby and 3 dogs, not at all the smartest idea. I wanted out of my parents house STAT though, so I won't complain too much. 

I have a pretty wonderful boyfriend, who is incredibly supportive & everything I could possibly ask for/expect in a Chapter 2. <3 (another blog at a later time...) 

Brayden has turned 1! (Now 13 months!) and he's just so perfect. I would not be alive without him here, I owe my life to him. He alone, makes waking up every day worth it.  (I'll blog more on him later, too...) 

But back to how I'm doing... I feel like I am suffocating. And it's getting harder to hide. 

I have severe anxiety, and can't even go to the grocery store and be around people. 

All I ever do is cry. 

I have to go to the grocery store at 10-11 pm when the stores are mostly empty. 

I can't go out and do things, because I can't bear to see happy people, couples, families. so Brayden and I stay inside except for on the spontaneous occasion that my head allows me to jump in the car and go do something before my brain changes its mind. Brayden & my dogs are happy & well taken care of, and we do get out and do things when my mind will allow, but we mostly stay closed up because I cannot bear the world. 

I hate being like this. I hate living like this. I hate feeling like this. I want to be able to go to the grocery store at any time of the day. I want to be able to go to my friends house without feeling like running into a closet, curling up, and crying. I want to not be so angry. I want to go to a park with Brayden without turning around as soon as we get to the parking lot. I want my life to feel normal again. I want to be able to call and schedule things without having to go through weeks of anxiety over it first. Over a PHONE CALL. 

I have to learn to do everything all over again. 

My entire adult life was with Ryan. 

Everything I knew, Ryan helped me learn. 

We were together for everything. For 7 years we were attached. (Except for deployment, etc)... He never wanted to do anything without me & I never wanted to do anything without him. He did the thing I couldn't do, and i did the things he couldn't (which was...hardly anything).. We grocery shopped together, learned to cook new foods together, traveled together, made every decision together...

I have to learn it all over again. I went from being a bratty ass teenager to being a bratty ass adult with him. The only thing I know for certain how to do on my own is to be a mother. And that's because I have done it on my own since the beginning. 

The best way I can explain it is... It's like I have a brain injury, and I'm having to relearn everything...except alone, with no help from anyone, and still having memory from before the brain injury. 

It's going to take a while. And the process is so suffocating. 

& so this is life......still. 

Xo ❤️🙏