What's on my mind today?

My mind is all over the place, all of the time. It races 10 miles a minute, and goes from one topic to the extreme next. I cannot make it stop. 

I (stupidly) just watched a video of the Delta Honor Guard giving a fallen soldier a ramp ceremony. Of course, I balled. 

I keep thinking, was there a video of my husbands when he arrived in Knoxville on delta? 

Was there video from Dover? 

I KNOW there is video footage from the ramp ceremony from Lakenheath, but I still don't have that. When will I? Who knows. Do I want it? Yes! Like, yesterday! 

Then I think... Did the people on the flight know they were escorting my husbands body? Was anyone aware of this? 

Then I think... I hope he was treated good. I hope they really took care of him. 

I don't even want to think about these things, it makes me physically sick to think about Ryan being dead. I'm still in denial. I still try to refuse to believe it. But I just can't keep my mind from racing! 

I still don't even have his cell phone or his wallet. Which were on him. And last I heard, the British transport police had it. Am I ever going to get those? Did they throw them away? I hope not. I want them. 

I hate that these are things that have to be a part of my reality. That these thoughts are not just "what if" thoughts, or off the wall thinking..this is my reality. Why?