2 Years Later....

I've parented on my own for 2 years now.
It has never been easy.
Easy in a sense that I haven't had to worry about how someone else wants to parent, I just do it my way. But not easy in any other way.
In 2 years, I have had maybe 15 hours without Brayden, TOTAL. Maybe.
Not to include my overnight hospital stay when I had my gallbladder removed.
I'm not complaining, I love my son. With every ounce of my being. I have enjoyed every second of watching him grow, talk, walk, watch his personality bloom, his hair get thicker...And if it had to be done the exact same way again, I would do it again.
I didn't choose it to be this way. I never imagined my life this way. I would have NEVER wanted it to be this way. And there are some days that I curse Ryan up one wall & down another.
But alas, here I am.
2 years later and I still have a head full of hair, and SOME what of a mind left. Not much.


NOW, I am going to complain.
I. Am. So. TIRED.
Maybe not physically, completely anyway, but my soul is so damn tired.
I try not to be the parent that yells, I hate being yelled at, hated it when I was a kid & don't want to yell as a parent...I try not to be the parent that spanks, because I hated that, and it isn't always effective...I fail. I fail every single day.

I am tired of DAILY headaches.
I'm tired of feeling like I am not enough.
I'm tired of being a failure.
I am tired of feeling like I want to give up.
I am tired of going to sleep at night, wondering if I am doing my best and doubting myself.

I get it.
He's 2.
He's going to do things he isn't supposed to.
He's going to whine, fuss, tantrum, and cry.
He's going to yell, jump and run through the house.
He's going to NOT LISTEN to anything I say.
I get it.
I really do.
But I feel like my parenting is completely ineffective. He's 2. How will I ever know for sure, at such a young age? I won't. Whatever.

If for one day, Brayden, you could just make me not go bat shit crazy, I think I would be set for another 2 years alone.
Otherwise, alone is for the birds, and there needs to be 2 of me. STAT.

So, this is life...
Xo