Reflecting...

It has been a while since I have just sat and really reflected on things. I think about it everyday. How could I not? I go to sleep with the same thought every night, and wake up to the same reality every day. So it's there. It's just time for a bit more. 

In just 2 quick months, I'll hit my 3 year mark. 3 years since I was 24. 3 years since I was 33 weeks pregnant. 3 years since I became a widow. 3 years since the best man that I have ever known, left. For good. Although the years have gone quickly, days have been long. It sometimes feels like just yesterday that I saw him. And some days, I have to shake my mind from thinking he may just come home one day. 

I will hit my 3 year mark, which will essentially change my status with TriCare to "retiree" instead of my newly widowed status. 

I have had many ups, and many more downs. I have watched people I never thought would leave, leave. I have screamed, cried, cursed and been angry. I have been happy. I have been used, and taken advantage of. I have been stupid. And I have grown. I feel like I have infinite strength, yet am so weak and empty.  

I have watched my beautiful 8 lb 9 oz baby boy grow into this incredible toddler. (how is he almost 3?) I am so blessed to have him. I get overwhelmed at times, frustrated, and angry, but I could never do this life without Brayden. 

It still hurts to see fathers with their kids, families that are seemingly "whole".. It still hurts that I am doing this all alone. But this is my life now. And I have to make the best of it. I have to be happy. I have to give Brayden more. He is my life's work. 

I have tortured myself and my mind. I have damn near given up many times. But it won't happen. You will never see me give up. Brayden will never see me give up. 

I have talked to Brayden about his daddy being dead. He doesn't understand. He's only 2.5. "Why did my daddy died?" Is a question that he asked me a few days ago... I'm not ready to answer these kinds of questions. "I don't know." Was the best that I could give him on a whim. 

He will point to the ground at Ryan's grave and tell you his daddy is under there. He can tell you his daddy is in Heaven. And he has grown completely attached to his Dada doll. 

There are so many incredible people that have came into my life since August 6, 2013. Nearly 3 years later, I am in awe of how many of those people, that said they would always be there for me and for Brayden, are still there. People that are genuine are so very hard to come by. How I managed to get the best of them, I'm not sure. I'll never be able to meet them all in person, put into words how grateful for them I am, or thank them all enough. But my heart holds so much love for so many people. 

To all of you, I love you. I love you so much more than words could convey. I appreciate you. I am so incredibly grateful for you. Thank you. For pushing me, for reassuring me, for supporting me. 

Beautiful things are happening. I am happy, but I have my days. My moments. My nights. But they do not consume me any longer. I miss the shit out of Ryan. And I would give everything in life to have him back. But that isn't how life works. All I can do is continue on the best that I know how. 

There's so much more I could say.. But I jump around too much. So this is it. & this is life.... <3