Today I listened to a story on the news about a grieving son, who was fearful of a rumor about how his mother died, would tarnish her beautiful legacy. The murderer first tried to state that she died during consensual sex. She was actually suffocated, but that is not what matters in this specific instance.
It triggered me. It has been 2 years & 5.5 months since Ryan left this Earth. Almost 2.5 years ago, I lost the man that I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. My son lost the chance to ever meet his father. Ryan's father, lost the will to live. Ryan's brother, lost his older brother. For 2.5 years, I have left out details of my husbands death, in fear it would change how people saw his death. In fear that his legacy would be...tarnished.
Hearing that on TV today, was such a smack in the face and an eye opener for me. HOW someone dies should not change the way someone views that person, and should not make their death any less of a tragedy. But before I go further... If you are one of those that hear about someone dying and your first instinct is to be nosey, "what happened?" "how?" .... CHECK. YOURSELF. And don't do it again! Condolences are not conditional. Give your condolences and move on. Eventually, questions will be answered. Trust and believe that.
Okay. Now for the details I would love to never speak of again.
Ryan was electrocuted on live rail tracks at a train station in the overnight hours/early morning hours of 6 August 2013, in Maidstone, UK. They (him & the 2 he was with) had just left Bar Chocolate. They were stopping overnight on their way to Mildenhall AFB for a TDY.
I will never have all of the information that I would like, and i will never believe all of the information that I have been given.
I have learned to accept that.
Ryan had a high blood alcohol level.
He was drunk. He was under the influence when he died......The hurt in my heart typing this out, putting this out there......But I need to do it. He wasn't acting out, goofing off, doing drugs, being ignorant... He was having new drinks in another country with his co-workers. His decision to cross the rail tracks wasn't a good decision, but it is what it is. It cannot be changed now. The answer to the question, "why?" will never be answered. I have also accepted this.
Do I believe that alcohol was the direct factor in his death? No. Absolutely not.
But It obviously played a role.
I am tired of feeling ashamed that he had been drinking and then died. The man loved to travel. He loved to explore. Try new things. He was curious. But always, ALWAYS level headed.
I am tired of being fearful that other people will dismiss his death, because of the alcohol. When in reality, it wasn't who he was AND "other peoples'" opinions do not matter.
Ryan was an amazing man. He was a truly wonderful husband, son, brother, cousin, friend... He was an amazing Airman. He loved life. He loved his career. He loved his family. He loved his unborn child (he didn't know it was a boy) and was so excited to be surprised. He would do anything for anyone. He wanted so much out of life, for himself, for me, for his child... He wanted to see everyone around him succeed. He didn't cuss. He didn't smoke. Never did drugs. Worked hard to be healthy. Helped anyone who needed it. Ryan made mistakes like every single one of us. He was perfect in all of his flaws. A good man, with a good heart. Mistakes do not define who you are. The good, the happy, the fun, quiet, silly memories, far outweigh the alcohol he drank that night. He left behind an incredible legacy, and I will continue to honor him & everything he was.
My decision to make this blog isn't with intentions of hurting anyone, or really isn't even for anyone other than myself.
I am tired of feeling ashamed when I shouldn't feel that way at all. I'm tired of feeling like I'm lying about it to everyone, because then I feel again, ashamed. A vicious circle. The only way to finally end that for me, is to be honest. And still have every ounce of pride for my husband and his life.
You have nothing to be ashamed of. His legacy is not tarnished because his BAL was high when he died. It sounds like a tragic accident. But really, who hasn't gone out for drinks with co-workers? Especially when travelling for work! And many people have been drunk a time or two. People make mistakes, they make poor decisions, but if they are not hurting anyone else (he wasn't driving drunk and endangering others), a bad decision shouldn't cost them their life. My heart aches for you and your son. I have followed you on Pinterest for a long time...before Ryan's last deployment. I PM'd you after I noticed your pins were about grief and loss. You responded, but I didn't want to seem like some crazy stalker and keep checking on you. As a new mom myself though I just empathize with all that you have been through & continue to go through. Please don't feel shame. You seem like an incredibly strong person & your son is lucky to have you. I may be a stranger, but I pray for you all often.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! You have no idea how much I needed this.
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